Triple Travel Tales Part 2

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Part 2 :wink: TOLD YOU IT WAS COMING SOON!!!
In Rome there’s the Colosseum! The Colosseum is so interesting it has so much history in its architecture. The Colosseum (Colosseo) was actually the Roman Empire at its worst. This is where gladiators, other slaves, and wild beasts fought and were killed for the amusement of a crowd that numbered 80,000 with a full house. Today we can still see part of it standing today! We can stand in the arena and pretend we’re one of the gladiators about to fight or be killed, and then the person who won will have there fans going wild. It would be so much fun!
In Venice there are over 400 BRIDGES. We could have fun walking across them and we could keep count of how many we cross! The Rial to is the oldest and most famous bridge, a great place for taking Grand Canal pictures. It would be lots of fun being in the Grand Canal under it and then walk across it for fun. It would be a historic event for us. Mom could ride with us and tell us were ever thing is since she lives in Venice.
There are lots of canals. There are 150 canals with gondolas. We can take a gondola ride or canal cruise on Venice’s glorious canals. Our tour around Venice wouldn’t be complete without touring the canals by riding through them!
What about Carnival in Venice? If we went there first we would be there just in time to be able to party away!”
“Yeah! What about carnivale? What’s so great abut it?”
“Well it has lots of great things about it. Like it’s fun and we could get all dresses up with Mom. We could put masks on and do all that kind of fun stuff. Sort of like Halloween just with out the candy and the scary outfits. It would be so much fun to be with mom and to have fun with her rather than not have fun with her or do boring stuff with her. There’s St. Mark’s Square and the Bell tour too!”
“What’s so interesting about those things?” Juliet inquired
“Clustered in and around Saint Mark's Square are the most famous buildings of Venice. The Bell tour is one of them. During the day, St. Mark's Square is filled with people, pigeons and music. We can spend the whole day in this area, visiting the interior of St. Mark's Church, the Doge's Palace and Museo Correr. Or go to the top of the bell tower which features spectacular views of Venice. Come on, don’t you think we could go to Spain next time?
But wait there’s more! At the glass blowing place we can watch how the glass blown vases, plates, and glasses are made.”
“Glass Blown, you mean were the things are made by the glass kind or materials and were the guy making it lets it dry in the fire? Cool!” Jessica exclaimed.
“Correct! We could watch the guy blow glass and then maybe buy a souvenir if we have enough euros. And Jessica we all know you have a sweet tooth, we could buy a zepolli to taste. It’s a sweet lush kind of fried donut sometimes with wonderful custard in the middle. We would have so much fun! Don’t you guys think it would be better to go to Italy first?”
“She is quite persuasive.” Jessica said, “Sort of to the point of me wanting to go to Italy first.”
“That’s just because of your sweet tooth. Anyway it’s not persuasive enough for me.” Pouted Juliet, upset that Jasmine was so persuasive and that she couldn’t be as persuasive as her sister.
“Juliet really, don’t you think that Italy is at least a little better than Spain, or that there are at least a few really cool things. Italy has a lot more fun stuff and interesting things that we can do. If we go there first then we would be right in the middle of the commotion and the fun. We could always go t




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I'm back, TTT! Can I call you that? I hope that's OK. Now, let's get to work.

Things I Like/Things You Did Well On:

-I loved how you put in facts about the destinations the sisters can go to. I learned a lot!

-And, you didn't make it a drag when the reader reads all this factual information. You made it fun.

Things I Don't Like/Things You Need To Improve On:


-There is a major problem in your work that makes your story messy and hard to read. You have a huge dialog problem here! First of all, the reader doesn't even know who is speaking when and where in this chapter. Only about two times did you mention who was speaking. And, you totally did not format the conversation correctly! It needs a lot of work, but please don't be discouraged. I have faith in you...you can fix it! :) It gets very confusing for the reader.It seems like one person was talking in the whole first half, right? You didn't format that area correctly either...

I hope I helped, at least a teensy bit. If you fix that big dialog problem, it will be easier for other review and me to read this. Keep on writing-


KD

-
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




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Thanks! I guess your right! BUT, there is one problem, one girl is practically talking the whole time in the first part! And the other IS talking al most the whole time in the second part. Help so that it will be better please! :smt001




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I'll show you exactly how to fix it later, but I gotta go now. By the way, could you tell me who is talking when? That way it will be easier for me to help you fix the dialog.

~KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




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Hey Kaedee! O.K. I thought it was explained in the begining. :?:
Well the girl who is talking for Italy most of the time is Jasmine.
The girl whose talking about Spain most of the time is Juliet!
TTT




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Sorry about that! I meant, who is talking here:
TripleTravelTales wrote:In Rome there’s the Colosseum! The Colosseum is so interesting it has so much history in its architecture. The Colosseum (Colosseo) was actually the Roman Empire at its worst. This is where gladiators, other slaves, and wild beasts fought and were killed for the amusement of a crowd that numbered 80,000 with a full house. Today we can still see part of it standing today! We can stand in the arena and pretend we’re one of the gladiators about to fight or be killed, and then the person who won will have there fans going wild. It would be so much fun!
In Venice there are over 400 BRIDGES. We could have fun walking across them and we could keep count of how many we cross! The Rial to is the oldest and most famous bridge, a great place for taking Grand Canal pictures. It would be lots of fun being in the Grand Canal under it and then walk across it for fun. It would be a historic event for us. Mom could ride with us and tell us were ever thing is since she lives in Venice.
There are lots of canals. There are 150 canals with gondolas. We can take a gondola ride or canal cruise on Venice’s glorious canals. Our tour around Venice wouldn’t be complete without touring the canals by riding through them!


and here:
TripleTravelTales wrote:What about Carnival in Venice? If we went there first we would be there just in time to be able to party away!”


and here:
TripleTravelTales wrote:“Well it has lots of great things about it. Like it’s fun and we could get all dresses up with Mom. We could put masks on and do all that kind of fun stuff. Sort of like Halloween just with out the candy and the scary outfits. It would be so much fun to be with mom and to have fun with her rather than not have fun with her or do boring stuff with her. There’s St. Mark’s Square and the Bell tour too!”


because you don't explain who is talking in these parts when apparently the dialog is going back and forth between the sisters. That's what you should start with first. For example, in the second part I pointed out to you, let's pretend Jessica is talking. You should write it like this:

"What about Carnival in Venice? If we went there first we would be there just in time to be able to party away!" said Jessica. (By the way, I do not understand this sentence, but you can fix that later.)

You are leaving the reader lost and puzzled in the dialog, not knowing who exactly is talking!

Then after you fix that problem, you should break down the first paragraph and make it a bit simpler and shorter, since it gets a bit boring for the reader. Then...we can go on from there!

Make sense now? I hope I'm helping.


~KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




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TripleTravelTales wrote:“Clustered in and around Saint Mark's Square are the most famous buildings of Venice. The Bell tour is one of them. During the day, St. Mark's Square is filled with people, pigeons and music. We can spend the whole day in this area, visiting the interior of St. Mark's Church, the Doge's Palace and Museo Correr. Or go to the top of the bell tower which features spectacular views of Venice. Come on, don’t you think we could go to Spain next time?


TripleTravelTales wrote:But wait there’s more! At the glass blowing place we can watch how the glass blown vases, plates, and glasses are made.”


TripleTravelTales wrote:“Correct! We could watch the guy blow glass and then maybe buy a souvenir if we have enough euros. And Jessica we all know you have a sweet tooth, we could buy a zepolli to taste. It’s a sweet lush kind of fried donut sometimes with wonderful custard in the middle. We would have so much fun! Don’t you guys think it would be better to go to Italy first?”


TripleTravelTales wrote:“Juliet really, don’t you think that Italy is at least a little better than Spain, or that there are at least a few really cool things. Italy has a lot more fun stuff and interesting things that we can do. If we go there first then we would be right in the middle of the commotion and the fun. We could always go t


:P Sorry to add to the load, but these places are also parts where you do not state who is talking. And you cut off the last piece of dialog right above.
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*



"Do not try to be pretty. You weren't meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don't let anyone ever simplify you to just 'pretty'"
— Suzanne Rivard