(Part 1)

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As I walked down the stairs I was shocked to find myself faced with a field of roses. Meredith’s face was elated by the bright pink display.

“Aren’t they just – I don’t even think there are words,” she exclaimed with glee.

“I can think of a few,” I scorned sarcastically. Repulsive, nauseating, and overly pretentious were ones that sprung to my mind, but as always I kept my thoughts to myself.

Meredith, as usual, remained ignorant of my loathing of all things pink and wedding-related and continued as though I had not spoken at all. “There are a few final decisions to make now, mainly just seating arrangements for the last minute guests.”

I felt my eyes roll at the thought of there being even more people to witness this ridiculous charade. Already the entire town had been invited as well as mine and Gideon’s extended families and friends. “Meredi - Mum,” I caught myself before I said her name, remembering how I was scorned last time I called her by it. “I would really like to talk to you about the wedding,” I told her in a voice of authority and compassion, “and I don’t think you are going to like what I have to say.” I could see the sense of worry clouding her eyes as she tried to remain collected.

“I do not have time for this Ethelda. Can you not see that I am busy?”

I ignored her attempt to brush me off as I continued, “I know everyone is looking forward to it,” I inhaled a deep breath before I spurted out the last part “but I’m not looking forward to it - in fact I’m dreading it and I can’t go through with it, so the wedding is off!”

Her face raged like fire as she towered over me spitting her words out in exasperation. “Don’t be so stupid! You cannot call the wedding off; it is not possible. How naive you are to think you can cancel the wedding, ha!”

“It’s my wedding,” I told her, “if I want to call it off I can. I refuse to marry a man that I do not love.”

She started to laugh at me in such a menacing way that a shiver ran down my spine.“Love. Love. You think I married your father because I love him? Do you think I am still with him because I love him? You stupid girl. Get out of my sight, get some rest or something, you have a wedding to be preparing for.”

With that she turned her back on me and began fiddling with the roses. For a short while I sat there, stung by her words and lack of understanding, even though I had expected nothing less. I had even considered doing exactly what she had told me to do, like I had been doing my entire life. But I knew this was not the time. This time I could not back down. I had made my decision and I was going to stick to it.

****edited to here

“No,” I said confidently causing her to turn around and look at me, “No, I will not do what you want me to do anymore. I am sick of it. You’re always making me do what you want me to and I hate it.” My anger took control as I shouted at her through gritted teeth, “I hate this stupid house, I hate this stupid life, I hate stupid human realm, and I hate this stupid family! This is my wedding, and I say it is cancelled and there is nothing you can do about it.” My fury raged inside of me, I could feel the tension between us brewing like a storm and I knew that this was just the beginning; things were going to get a lot worse.

“There may not be anything I can do,” she stated deviously, “but the Elders can. You break the order and they will get involved, so you might as well go through it with it through your own free will, they do not take kindly to the order being broken.”

I gulped loudly knowing that she was right and it scared me. I had never been on trial with the Elders but from when I was a child I had heard horrendous stories about witches and wizards who broke the order. Meredith had almost won. Almost until Casius’ face crossed my mind and I remembered why I had to do this regardless of what may happen it was the right thing to do.

“I do not care about the order, I can not be forced to marry someone I do not love,” I said losing my earlier confidence.

“The order has been around for centuries, Ethelda, you already know the stories. You pick death over marrying Gideon, a man that you seldom deserve? Are you that pathetic, that desperate that blinded? They may have given me a second chance but I was an exception they may not be so lenient with you.” If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in myself, what Meredith said probably would have meant so much more to me. I had never known that she had stood trial before the Elders and I had no idea what she would have done to be there in the first place. The only thing on my mind at that moment was the matter at hand. Over eighteen years I had let all my anger toward her, brew up inside me was now it was finally breaking free and I had no control over it.

“They can see everything you see,” she continued, “they can know everything you think and feel, and you cannot hide anything from them. Not your secret, not your dreams, not even your deepest darkest desires. The elders care only about the keeping the stability in this world, which means we have to stick to our own kind. That man you have feelings for, it goes against the order.” Casius? But how does she know about him?

“I do not care,” I stated, my confidence returning, ”I do not care”

“Tough, because you are marrying Gideon even if I have to bewitch you to do it,” she spat at me spitefully. I felt my jaw drop in horror, knowing that she meant every word she said, I could feel my blood boiling beneath my skin; it felt like I should have steam erupting from my ears, I was completely detached from any kind of kinship with Meredith as I bellowed out at her,

“HOW DARE YOU THREATEN ME,” the look of worry and fury that had clouded her eyes was now hidden deep beneath one of complete terror. The entire room began to shake; the pink roses began to pop like tiny fireworks creating a shower of petals cascading around the room. It reminded me of a lightning storm, so much beauty yet so much destruction, just like the storm that was taking place outside. She conjured up a shield around herself and tried to restrict me with her magic. She threw spell after spell at me and to the surprise of both of us, nothing worked. Each time something came close to me it was deflected away automatically, and then I noticed how there was a light silver shimmer surrounding me, a shield. I could not understand why Meredith was so terrified by me; I knew I was angry but surely nothing to be scared of. It wasn’t until she conjured up a mirror between us that I began to understand, I did not recognise the black haired, black-eyed witch who glared back at me until I reached out to touch the mirror and realised that I was looking at myself. I backed away shocked by my own appearance. I knew exactly what it meant because since I was young Meredith told me stories about how even the most beautiful witches could become the most terrifying when they use dark magic. She told me exactly how their appearance would change to reflect the evil within them.

I immediately ran out to my car and drove off as fast as I could needing to get as far from my terrified mother as I could. The storm outside still raged in cadence with my mood, I began to concentrate on controlling my mood and myself. I was completely mystified by how I was able to conjure and use dark magic when I knew nothing about it. I glanced into the rear view mirror and witnessed my hair reverting back to its original colour. The storm had calmed into a lighter misty rain and I drove at a slightly less homicidal speed. I glanced at myself again in the mirror, glad to see that my hair had returned completely back to its natural shade. When I looked back out at the road I was startled to see a man standing directly in the path of my car. I slammed my foot down on the brakes and swerved off the road. As the bonnet of the car smashed into a tree my face flew forward into the steering wheel before the airbag had chance to inflate, advanced human technology huh, causing my nose to bleed profusely. My heart raced as I fought my way out of the car and stumbled on the uneven ground.

I looked around in every direction but there was no sign of the man that had been standing in the road. The streetlights had stopped about half a mile back so the full moon laying at its Zenith was the only light source to the road. The trees were exceptionally quiet. A cold shiver ran through my body as the raw silence washed over me. I could sense eyes bearing into the back of my head and I debated with myself whether or not to turn around, fearful of what I might see. Plucking up the courage I turned around slowly anticipating a bear or a lion or a wolf or something of similar significance yet as I turned I was faced with only the road ahead of me. Beginning to feel anxious the hairs on my neck stood like tiny soldiers as my heart pounded fiercely beneath my chest.

Suddenly my entire body was jolted to the side as an invisible force hit me. My head spun round looking for any kind of movement, and then I was thrown backward in the air and was thrashed causing blood to pour from the back of my head. I held my wound in pain; I could feel the wetness of the blood covering my hand. Before I could think straight my leg was dragging me along the road, I tried to turn over and stand but I was too restricted. I was pulled to my feet and thrown backward again, this time landing on the roof of my car, I was positive that I had heard some of my bones cracking on impact. The air filled with raw silence once again and my heart almost flat lined. I was covered in blood, and I felt excruciating pain all over my body. I was completely and utterly terrified. I tried using magic to reveal what was there, I tried conjuring up a force field around myself for protection, but I could see it all being instantly deflected.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on using my other senses. I heard the faint snapping of a twig as something moved over it and I felt as a hand grasped me around my ankle, I was prepared to fight back until I heard a hissing that caused me to lose my focus. I was thrown to the floor, and landed on my arm. When I looked up there was a black hooded figure standing in the middle of the road, hissing at the nothing that I guessed to be my attacker. I watched nervously as it attacked the air, as it bit into nothing ferociously. I watched in horror as it fell down and cowered in pain and I anticipated my next attack though it did not come. I sat still on the ground as the hooded figure crept toward me, my heart sank to my feet as I fought the urge to reach out and touch it. I gulped loudly as its face stopped an inch away from mine but my fears disappeared as I noticed the look of hurt in its eyes, and I pulled my hand up and slowly pulled the hood down to reveal the beasts face and I gasped as I realised who my sharp fanged protector was,

“Casius” I breathed in relief.

I had already figured out that there was something different about Casius but I had never known what to think for sure. But know I’d seen it for myself, seen how his fangs disappeared and how his bloodthirsty eyes turned back to the sea-blue laced with the dark frame that I knew so well. And now I see how he stands protectively over me, and I knew I had no reason to ever be afraid, I knew that he would never hurt me. I looked at him thankful that he had showed up at the right time, I was sure if he hadn’t, I might be dead.

“What was that?” I asked trying to forget about the pain that was engulfing my entire body,

“It was a poltergeist, the most feared element of the shadows. I think someone sent him but I am not sure who exactly, I can try and find out but for now I need to get you home to safety.”

As he gently hoisted me up into his arms, further cracking noises, that to erupted from my body confirmed that many of my bones were severely broken. The entire way home, he carried me in his arms with ease, he paid great attention to keeping me from falling asleep, afraid that I might have concussion. He willingly answered any question I asked him, all excepting those about why he left all those years ago. I was tired and in pain and I was beginning to wonder how much more my body could take. Finally we reached my house and I felt that the feelings of anxiety between Casius and myself were neutral. He sensed that politeness wouldn’t score him any brownie points in my house as he let himself in through the front door. The memory of the first time I had invited him into our house crossed my mind as I remembered Meredith and Edgar had no idea a vampire had ever been in here. At that moment I wasn’t entirely sure which they would be more concerned about my well being or the fact that there was a vampire in the Gatekeepers house, both were, of course, a grave concern.

No one had noticed our entrance until he took me into the living room where they all sat together spending quality family time with one another. My eyes flickered to the crystal ward, which glowed a deep red and pulsed in small intermittent vibrations that rung low in my ears. Meredith stood abruptly with her hands raised at us both, I could see the fear in her eyes and I was sure for a moment she thought that I had come back to finish what I had started earlier.

“No need to be so defensive Meredith,” Casius told her calmly, “I am not here to hurt you, Ethelda is seriously hurt, she needs your help.”

Instantly Meredith conjured up a bed in the centre of the living room for Casius to set me down on,

“Cassandra, I need you to call upon the witch doctor, immediately, make sure he knows that it is urgent,” she instructed, “Now you leave,” she scolded at Casius, “You are not welcome here, not now not ever.” She turned her back on him feeling as though she had made herself clear enough,

“I wont leave until I know she is ok,” he replied

Instantly Meredith spun around with her hands raised as she threw a curse out at him, I was able to deflect it into the wall and stop it from hitting him but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do it again. Casius crouched over now baring her razor sharp fangs as he hissed at Meredith,

“Casius, No!” I yelled as causing him to drop his glare from my mother. He had been about a millisecond away from lunging at her when I had called his name. Now as his eyes changed back to their usual state I looked into them and I could see how the sorrow ran deep in his veins, seeping slowly and painfully into his heart with every beat. We both knew what choice I had made in that split second and he didn’t need me to say it aloud. So he left defeated and the thought of never seeing him again became more painful than anything I had ever felt before.
Last edited by amiemalamie on Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:25 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Hi Amie,

I'll try to be as "brutally constructive" with this review as you wanted. :P

This piece suffers from very poor grammar. You've consistently misused commas to create ungrammatical run-on sentences: the very first sentence, which I would expect to be the best proofread of all, is a run-on and lacks a closing period. I found myself rereading each paragraph several times to rearrange the punctuation before I could figure out what you meant. I stopped reading only a short way in when I realised that I was seeing the same problems over and over.

To give you an idea of just how much work this piece needs before it's readable, I'm going to copy-edit the first section for basic grammar. Note that I'm having to replace nearly every comma with full stops or take them out altogether. Also, almost every paragraph break is wrong.

As I walked down the stairs I was shocked to find myself faced with a field of roses. (full stop) Meredith’s face was elated by the bright pink display. (full stop)

“Aren’t they just – I don’t even think there are words,” she exclaimed with glee.

“I can think of a few,” I scorned sarcastically. (full stop, or possibly semi-colon) Repulsive (capital letter at the start of a new sentence), nauseating and overly pretentious (no comma) were ones that sprung to my mind, (comma) but as always I kept my thoughts to myself.

(paragraph break here) Meredith, as usual, remained ignorant of (of is the appropriate preposition here) my loathing of all things pink and wedding-related (hyphen for a compound adjective) and continued as though I had not spoken at all. (but no paragraph break here) “There are a few final decisions to make now, mainly just seating arrangements for the last minute guests. (full stop)

(paragraph break here) I felt my eyes roll at the thought of there being even more people to witness this ridiculous charade. Already (no comma) the entire town had been invited as well as mine and Gideon’s extended families and friends. (but no paragraph break here) “Meredi - (a hyphen used for a break of speech has a space on either side) Mum. (full stop)” I caught myself before I said her name, remembering how I was scorned last time I called her by it openly (clunky split infinitive). “I would really like to talk to you about the wedding,” I told her in (wrong preposition again) a voice of authority and compassion, “and I don’t think you are going to like what I have to say. (full stop)” I could see the sense of worry clouding her eyes as she tried to remain collected.

“I do not have time for this Ethelda. (full stop) Can (capitalise) you not see that I am busy?”

(paragraph break here) I ignored her attempt to brush me off as I continued, (but no paragraph break here) “I know everyone is looking forward to it,” I inhaled a deep breath before I spurted out the last part (punctuation is just wonky here - not quite sure what you’re aiming for) “but I’m not looking forward to it. (full stop, or possibly hyphen) In (capitalise) fact I’m dreading it and I can’t (apostrophe for contraction) go through with it, (comma) so the wedding is off!”

(paragraph break here) Her face raged like fire as she towered over me spitting her words out in exasperation. (but no paragraph break here) “Don’t be so stupid! You cannot call the wedding off. (whatever punctuation you need here, it’s definitely not a comma - full stop would do, or a hyphen, possibly a semi-colon) it is not possible. How naive you are to think you can cancel the wedding, ha (capitals aren’t used for emphasis in fiction)!”

“It’s my wedding,” I told her, “if I want to call it off I can. I refuse to marry a man that I do not love.”

(paragraph break) She started to laugh at me in such a menacing way that a shiver ran down my spine. (full stop) (but no paragraph break here) “Love! Love! You (capitalise) think I married your father because I love him? Do you think I am still with him because I love him? You stupid girl. (full stop) Get (capitalise) out of my sight, get some rest or something, you have a wedding to be preparing for. (the commas here are ungrammatical, but quite effective - I might keep these)

With that she turned her back on me and began fiddling with the roses. For a short while I sat there, (comma) stung by her words and lack of understanding, (comma) even though I had expected nothing less. I had even considered doing exactly what she had told me to do, like I had been doing my entire life. But I knew this was not the time. (full stop) This (capitalise) time I could not back down. (full stop) I had made my decision and I was going to stick to it.


As a reader, I can't work this hard just to understand each sentence. This kind of heavy lifting is the author's job.

When you've carefully and thoroughly proofread this piece and you're confident that the grammar is excellent, I'd be happy to review the revised version. :)

Hope this helps, Amie.

Cheers,
Karsten




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I have to apologise for this before I write it, but this story goes very slowly. There isn't enough information to draw me in and make me interested in the story. I have to kind of struggle through it just to keep reading.

I think another problem I have is that it's too much at once. You give out too much information in some parts that it draws away from the actual story and makes it less interesting.
"'It is some time since I last heard the sound of your shears. How long have you been Eavesdropping?'

'Eavesdropping, sir? I don't follow you, begging your pardon. There ain't no eaves at Bag End and that's a fact!'"

- Sam Gamgee and Gandalf the Grey. The Fellowship of the Ring, Pg. 70.




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I won't address the punctuation, since that's already been done.

amiemalamie wrote:As I walked down the stairs I was shocked to find myself faced with a field of roses, Meredith’s face was elated by the bright pink display,


This sentence doesn't make sense. Not the "ooh, what does that mean?" kind of not making sense. The "this book is way too confusing, I'm going to read something else" kind of not making sense.

amiemalamie wrote: I scorned

I'm pretty sure that you can scorn someone or be scornful, but I don't think you can just scorn.

amiemalamie wrote: Ethelda,


BEST NAME EVER.

amiemalamie wrote:Her face raged like fire as she towered over me spitting her words out in exasperation.


This sentence is so awkward in so many different ways, particularly the phrase "raged like fire".

amiemalamie wrote: “No, I will not do what you want me to do anymore. I am sick of it. You’re always making me do what you want me to and I hate it.” My anger took control as I shouted at her through gritted teeth, “I hate this stupid house, I hate this stupid life, I hate stupid human realm, and I hate this stupid family! This is my wedding, and I say it is cancelled and there is nothing you can do about it.”


This is the part where I start to hate the main character. She sounds like a whiny twelve year old. Even if she has legitimate grounds for rebellion, could she at least not phrase her discontent so immaturely.

amiemalamie wrote:I did not recognise the black haired, black-eyed witch who glared back at me


YES! Like Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer! :)

amiemalamie wrote:advanced human technology huh


This line seems really out of place, give the tone of the rest of the story. If you're going to make your character sarcastic, do it more often.

amiemalamie wrote: I held my wound in pain;I could feel the wetness of the blood covering my hand.


This sentence seems a little obvious. Try to be more descriptive and less literal.

amiemalamie wrote:the sea-blue laced with the dark frame that I knew so well


Laced?

amiemalamie wrote: the most feared element of the shadows.


This sounds tacky. I think you should rephrase it.

amiemalamie wrote:the crystal ward


The what?

amiemalamie wrote: I could see how the sorrow ran deep in his veins, seeping slowly and painfully into his heart with every beat.


TACKY.


Overall, I think that you have some good ideas but you don't know how to execute them. One of the things that bothered me the most (aside from the punctuation), is that you like to use tacky figurative language. Phrases like "her face raged like fire" and "the sorrow ran deep in his veins, seeping slowly and painfully into his heart with every beat" come from the right place, but are phrased in a very insincere and tacky way.

Also, your main character comes off as a generic Mary Sue. In that whole chapter, I didn't learn one distinct thing about her personality.

I like your choice of names and the idea behind the story, but I think you really need to work on punctuation and the types of imagery that you use.
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