The Visitor: Chapter One "The Salas Emissary"

The visitor

Chapter One: The Salas Emissary

Cody grew up in the country of Aisling as an orphan. Her deceased father had been the head of the Palace Guards and was honored even after his death. Therefore, to pay respect to him, she was granted the ward of the High Council and lived within the great palace. As a child she was restricted to playing on the first three floors.

"Remember to always respect the High Council." The guards would tell her. "You must be quiet, they have great matters to discuss."

When they were having an especially important meeting, Cody was asked to take leave and explore the palace grounds. She would grant their wish with no confrontation, eager to play in the gardens and splash in the fountains. It was the only chance she had to be outside the walls of the palace, and away from the ever watchful guards.

As she grew older, they let her wander the palace ground more often. But it still wasn't enough. She found herself listening the sound of the lake that surrounded the home city and wishing to swim in the cool water. The large oak walls that surrounded the city and made the townspeople feel safe seemed only confining to her.

When the time came for her to take an occupation, she made a request for one that involved travel. The council members tried to hide their smiles. Finally, after some discussion, the eldest member stood to address her.

"Cody, will you please come forth." With a moments hesitency, Cody got to her feet and approached the table. "As you know, there are five towns surrounding our home city. Each seperated by their own beliefs but still connected to each other. Salas, our brother to the east, has been distraught that their interests have not been represented equally to those who reside closer to our city. Admittedly, we have not asked their advice on many matters, some that involved them directly. As excuse for us, the town of Salas resides at the border of Aisling, and journey there takes more than a day. With your approval, I find you to be the perfect candidate to be our Salas Emissary. But, as a warning to you, the journey to and from will be long. Not to mention the dangers from the forest that inhabit Aisling. Ah... but I can see the obstination in your eyes. So your mind is already made up, is it? So be it. Then begin your journey to Salas immedeatley and may Aisling be with you."

Hello, tRiCk. I think I'll review this here piece.

(Funny, there was a member of my forum named T-Fox, who also had an avatar of Fox.)

I liked this. The "girl in the castle longing for adventure" idea is a bit cliche, but I imagine you'll be able to pull it off. At least you didn't make her an angsty princess. There were a couple small nitpicks.

"As you know, there are five towns surrounding our home city.

Try to avoid "As you know..." moments. Even though the reader doesn't know this, Cody does, and it seems pointless for the guy to tell her. Try to slip in the info some other way.

, and journey there takes more than a day.

Journey should be "journeying". And I assume you mean "week" or "month" instead of "day". A day's travel isn't long at all.

and may Aisling be with you."

Typically, these goodbye phrases use the name of a god. Yet Aisling seems to be the name of the land. Unless Aisling is also the name of a god, I'd recommend changing it.

Now, here's one thing I want to say. As someone who lives in a forest... don't screw it up. Dangerous forests are all well and good, but the danger should come from either treacherous terrain (cliffs, bogs, poisonous thorns everywhere, etc.) or dangerous animals, not from some kind of OMG EVIL. Also, steer clear of the stereotypical "haunted forest", por favor.

EDIT: Sweet, my 300th post and 35th review!

Honestly, I am not really satisfied with this intro at all and I may rewrite it. Thanks for the review. This gives me a lot of insight and makes me realize that I am not explaining things too well.
The last part when the elder member said "...and may Aisling be with you.", what I didn't mention was that the people didn't worship a God but the land itself. So it would be like us saying "... and may Mother Earth be with you."
And don't worry, when they speak of the forest they mostly mean packs of wolves, and sometimes bears.

Thanks
tRiCk

I found this to be really interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next. The plot seems good, the title intriging. Please post some more soon.

The visitor
Cody grew up in the country of Aisling as an orphan. Her deceased father had been the head of the Palace Guards and was honored even after his death. Therefore, to pay respect to him, she was granted the ward of the High Council and lived within the great palace. As a child she was restricted to playing on the first three floors.

I don't think the intro is bad at all. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Thanks!! Maybe I'm being too critical of my work. If you could, I'm posting something in action/adventure. It'd be great if you could review it.

tRiCk

tRiCk wrote:And don't worry, when they speak of the forest they mostly mean packs of wolves, and sometimes bears.

Typically, a wolf will only attack a human if it is starving and has no other recourse, or has never seen a human and considers them no different than a deer or rabbit.

It might be cool for the hero to accidentally pick up a bear cub and then have it's mother show up.

First of all, this sounds like a very good story. I wonder what could happen next... well, plenty could happen but I guess it's up to you. Now, on to the fun little critiques.

Personally, I think that this line:

she was restricted to playing on the first three floors.

And this one:

When they were having an especially important meeting...

conflict in my mind. Maybe it's only my little chatterbrain going off, but it seems like the girl wouldn't have to go outside if they were having a council because it would be on the upper floors. Maybe you could add something in to explain this to me, because it might confuse someone else too.

And in the last paragraph there were a few voice changes of the council that made me wonder how they acted. Not to mention it doesn't really tell us who is talking, which can help us understand how the council works.

All in all, this is a good story. I hope you write more.