Prologue:Cineraceus

It was a pale green grassy patch with little critters and flowers moving around and

blowing with the wind. The field was deserted with her being the only exception. She wore

an olive green dress and a bundle of black hair shielded her face from the blaring sun

penetrating her dark brown skin. She laid on the ground unconscious for hours lying there

with thoughts pondering through her mind.

How did I end up here? Where am I? Does no one see me? Am I that far away from civilization? Who brought me here? Why can I not remember anything?



This is pretty random but i really felt as if I had to post this.

I thought this was really good - a lovely idea. I'm really glad you posted it.

It was a pale green grassy patch with little critters (this sounds a bit too informal compared to the rest of your writing) and flowers moving around and



blowing with the wind (You don't need 'moving around' and 'blowing with the wind') . The field was deserted with her being the only exception. (Maybe 'the field was empty apart from her' or something like that? This doesn't read quite right) She wore



an olive green dress and a bundle of black hair shielded her face from the blaring sun



penetrating her dark brown skin (I didn't really think this made much sense 1. If her hair is protecting her, why is it still reaching her? Unless you mean not her face? 2. Does sunlight penetrate you?). She laid on the ground unconscious for hours lying there (you don't need 'lying there')



with thoughts pondering through her mind.(You could probably just shorten this whole sentence to 'pondering')


How did I end up here? Where am I? Does no one see me? Am I that far away from civilization? Who brought me here? Why can I not remember anything? (There are quite a few questions to take in - maybe intersperse each one with a little explanation?)

This could do with a bit more polishing, but it is a very nice idea. Well done!

nativecatcher wrote:It was a pale green grassy patch with little critters and flowers moving around and < (Why the paragraph here? And 'critters' isn't a very serious word, so if you were going for that kind of air maybe change it?)

blowing with the wind. The field was deserted with her being the only exception. She wore

an olive green dress and a bundle of black hair shielded her face from the blaring sun

penetrating her dark brown skin. She laid on the ground unconscious for hours lying there

with thoughts pondering through her mind. < (All of this has been 'telling', not 'showing'. Your writing seems to suffer from the same thing as mine does; maybe this article will help? topic41426.html Also, how is she thinking? She's unconscious. 'Pondering through her mind' is inncorrect. And what is it with you and paragraphs? Sorry. Nagging.)
How did I end up here? Where am I? Does no one see me? Am I that far away from civilization? Who brought me here? Why can I not remember anything?
< (Why does she not remember anything? She shouldn't have made that connection yet!)


This is pretty random but I really felt as if I had to post this.

Yes, it was very random to post this as it is not a full prolouge. In all, a nice little peice, short but sweet. I'd like to see more, please?

If you need anything, PM me! Please keep writing!

~Durr

Thanks for your critiques and tips this will help me a lot. I will edit my prologue and add more, and again THANK YOU!(P.S Durriedog you weren't nagging )