the crossing touch (chapter 1)

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the cold wind came across my face as i skipped on the pavement slowly humming to a melody i had made. a few seconds later a man in black, with bright red hair, hand made shoes, and a green tie. this man was very short he kind of reminded me of a lepercahn. as he came up to me as i kept skipping i finally noticed him. "hello mister." i said to him for i was only 6 years old."hello young lady." he said back.

Now in the year 1972 i am 15 and know that that man was my uncle and that i had powers just like him. i am a herbozoren a mystical human like figure that controlls the changing of the seasons and nature. my mother was know as mother nature and when she died i became sister nature and started living with my uncle when i was 11. i was depressed when she died, sad, lonely until i visited the world of gonalocom, a world of good and evil but mostly magic.

i haven't been to gonalocom sense the winter solctitice or a day before my birhday when the spirit world and the real world are at the closest touch.


hope you liked it more stories coming soon...please comment...thank you




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Okay, so I know you are new to YWS, but there's some protocol when you publish stuff.

Like, you need to proofread this. There's no capitalization, the punctuation is bad, etc.

Cheers,
-Lena
stay gold, ponyboy




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Okay, I'm just going to get to the point with this one. You're new, that's wonderful, but you have no reviews. Fix that. And, forgive me if I'm harsh, but this wasn't really exciting or anything. I have no idea what's going on here. I get that you're young, but everyone learns at an early enough age to capatilize your I's and the beginning of your sentences. You've failed to do so. Your character wasn't potrayed very well, we had no sense of her personality, or anything.
Really, this just needs to be read over, revised, edited, etc. Again, forgive me if I seem harsh-no one gets it perfect on their first try-, but I just think you need to start over with this.
If you were to expand and pace this, add some more detail and a lot more plot, this could actually be good. Please, feel free to PM me with any problems you may be having, or any questions. I would be more than happy to help.

Big kiss, class dismissed!
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns
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