Mentally Complicated [Part 2; First draft]

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[Okay, here's part two. I'm gonna probably stop for a bit after this. I'll edit this and the first part when I have more time and when I get all my lines of thought straightened out. I hope you like this one just as much as the first (even though we both know no one liked the first one, haha, jk) and I hope to get some good critiques.]

Shaking sleep away from his body, Blizz got out of his full sized bed with the covers all astray. His body cracked and creaked as he padded across his room to his doorway and proceeded onwards to the bathroom.

As soon as he flipped the switch to the lights, he regretted it. His pupils retracted and his paws flew to cover his eyes. A few moments later, he blinked away the blots hovering in the periphery of his vision and reached for the faucet handle. He turned it on as hot as it would go, being the tough type he was(though history has proven that he would, typically, turn it back down about five notches) and he stood back up to be greeted by his scraggly reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Now, Blizz wasn’t the most athletic person in the world, but for his age, he still held a rather healthy build. His stomach was flat and lean and his shoulders were square. His fur was bright and shiny and his teeth were white. To the naked eye, he seemed the picture of health. Though the only problem with that is that it was only the naked eye viewing him.

If one looked closely, they would find that there seemed to be extra or missing parts on his body. Like his claws seemed just a little too long and pointed for his breed, and his fur, though pure white, seemed to hide his form in shadows. Now, these aren’t exactly things to go and start a full body exam on, but they made one curious.

After taking a shower, brushing and flossing his teeth, and applying some deodorant(because we all know how badly a teenage boy can sweat and stink) he strolled back into his room, feeling fully awake and fresh and ready for a life changing day. He quickly grabbed some clothes from his drawer: Boxers, T-shirt, and because it was still technically summer, some tan cargo shorts.

Blizz walked out his door and hammered his paw on his parents door. “Hey, Dad, up and at ‘em!” he yelled at the door. “We got at least a half hour before we need to be on the road.” He was answered by a groggy groan and the sound of creaking springs. Blizz giggled and strolled down the hallway to the kitchen.

About fifteen minutes later, the big, tall albino ferret that was Blizz’s dad stumbled into the kitchen where Blizz was eating a bowl of cereal. Weatees, to be exact. ‘Cause even kids off to some weirdo school need to have a balanced breakfast.

Giving a groan and a nod, Blizz’s dad sat at the table across from his son and grabbed the cereal box and dug a hefty paw in it, eating it dry as usual. Blizz flicked his tail back and forth beneath his seat as he finished eating and watched his father eat. It was an old habit of his, watching his father eat. He didn’t know why it was so fascinating to watch his old man eat. All he did know was that it was better than having a normal morning conversation like the ones you see on TV.

Another ten minutes past and Blizz’s dad had finally finished his breakfast and was now in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, combing his hair, and shaving. Blizz could hear the electric hum of the shaver from the living room. Yet another ten minutes later and him and his dad were sitting in the living room, Blizz with a bag packed with a few simple items: clothes, toiletries, paper, pencils, the like, and his dad with a bag of traveling food.

With one last look back at the house before driving off from Blizz’s childhood home, his dad put the car into reverse and pulled out of their long, winding driveway. As they drove down the highway, Blizz thought about how much he’d miss his home until he’d finally get to return during the Christmas season.

Little did he know that in truth he’d never again see his home, or his family for that matter…


Running…

Running…

Pursuit…

Falling…


Blizz jumped up almost a foot from his seat as the car drove over a pot hole in the road. He gasped and took in a lungful of air. His father looked over for a second, removing his eyes from the road, before gluing them back to the windshield.

“You OK, son?” his father asked him. You’d probably see worry etched in his expression, if he weren’t focused on his driving. “You seemed to have quite the night scare there.”

“Yeah, I’m perfectly fine,” Blizz said once he caught his breath. “I must’ve just had a bad dream or something.” Which is rare, even for Blizz, for him to one: fall asleep in a moving vehicle or two: to have a dream of that level of WTF. His dad gave another one of his nods and continued driving without so much as another word.

That’s something Blizz noticed when he first was told about this school thing: his father became quieter everyday from then on. His father was normally a talkative type, loving to chat and to mull over random topics. Something must’ve made him change his ways, and quickly, too.

Glancing at the clock, Blizz figured they had been driving for at least four hours, placing them less than an hour away from his new school. Hearing a low growl emanate from his stomach, Blizz decided to dig into the bag of travel snacks his dad had packed. He produced a turkey sandwich and quickly tore it open and shoved nearly half of it in his mouth.

His dad looked over at him as he was eating the sandwich ravenously, and coughed a little. “Umm, well, I guess we are getting close to that school, huh, son?”

Blizz nodded and took another bite of his sandwich, only to find that he had already eaten it. “Yeah, guess so,” he said, looking over his empty paw half-mindedly.

“Well, I just want you to know that you’ll be missed. Your mother and I may not show it in great quantities, but we do love you very much.” There was more concern in his eyes than necessary, even for this type of situation.

“I know that, Dad. I’ll miss you guys, too. I’ll be sure to call you two often and give you status updates.” Blizz gave a warm smile to his father to try and make it seem like things were just fine. His father again nodded and focused again on the road for the next few miles.

When they finally reached the school, they found that is was basicly in the middle of nowhere. There weren’t exactly any major places located near it, just a few stores or so, maybe a even a house here and there. Definitely not big enough to be a town..

The school itself was big enough to be it’s own town, though. It had at least a three story tall main building made of red brick and three buildings circling it, all about two stories tall each and made of the same kind of red brick as the main building. There had to be at least a dozen other buildings surrounding the four, but they were all smaller than the main four. They were each one story tall and seemed not even big enough to hold a large number of people.

Blizz and his father drove around for a bit, searching intently until they finally found the building with a sign on it that read “Head office’s Center.” They drove up and parked next to the sidewalk of it. Surprisingly, through the whole time they’d been there, they hadn’t seen anybody, not a soul, either walking between buildings or sitting in the grass or driving in their cars. It was as if the place was deserted. Blizz felt nervous about this fact.

“You think maybe we’re early or something? Maybe we got the date confused?”

His father pulled out a paper and inspected it, before reporting, “Nope, we’re on the correct date and time. Maybe we just needed to be here a day early or so. Who knows?” Blizz grabbed the door handle and pushed it open and glanced back at his father.

“Well, I guess we should just go inside and see what’s up.”

[Okay, been edited once, now. Keep finding errors for me to correct, please!]
Last edited by Zeek_Weasel on Sun Feb 21, 2010 7:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Have you ever seen the things a typing weasel types? No? Then what are you looking at now?

"They say I'm the crazy one, when in truth everyone that works here are the true crazy ones..." ~Quopte from "Madhouse"

"I wanna play a game..." ~From "Saw I-VI"




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This is quite a different type of writing than I'm use to. It captures the humor of the teen( and ultimately, you) very well.

There was only a few mistakes I noticed.

Such as using the word quiter, when you meant quieter.

Somewhere toward the end you wrote:
" His father took out ma paper."
Instead of.... "... a paper."

And, just my opinion (therefore not necessary), there was a sentence that I believed could be worded differently:

"There was more concern in his eyes than needed, even for this situation."

Could be:

"There was more concern in his eyes than necessary, even for this situation."


Other than that, its great. Hopefully after you take your break from writing, you'll continue with the same humorous story. I'll be waiting to hear more.

tRiCk
Darker than the blackest black times infinity.




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I thank you for the review, dude. It realy helps my writing ability. I'm glad you think this is humorous and that it's full of the teenage point of view, but I can assure you of one little fact about my story string: Eventually, although the humor will still be present to a degree, this chapter will be... hmm, how should I put this? It will be as if the plot were driving on an old, winding country road. I am going to start typing the first part to the second chapter (the one in which everyone will see why my pen name is Ezekiel the Weasel) and believe me, you will see my true humor and personality, and possibly even some of my own asperations, portraited in my favorite character of all time: Ezekiel Rantineer. And for you people that are especially gifted in word scrambles, see what word you can find when you scramble around Rantineer. If you think you've got an answer, hold onto it closely, because it's just something cool I thought of.

Holy crap I'm getting off topic, as ussual. Anyways, like before, thank you for your comment. I will post again this weekend. Just another 'ole story I write on the seat of my pants. But, in some way, it will possibly outline some of my intentions better than this will, at least at the part it's at now.

In Peace, Love, and the Beatles,
Zac H. (A.K.A. Ezekiel the Weasel)
Have you ever seen the things a typing weasel types? No? Then what are you looking at now?

"They say I'm the crazy one, when in truth everyone that works here are the true crazy ones..." ~Quopte from "Madhouse"

"I wanna play a game..." ~From "Saw I-VI"




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Hmm, anyone find any mahor errors or problems that I can fix in my revision? I've read over this a few times and I'm rather happy with it, though I admit I could change my description about the institute's grounds.
Have you ever seen the things a typing weasel types? No? Then what are you looking at now?

"They say I'm the crazy one, when in truth everyone that works here are the true crazy ones..." ~Quopte from "Madhouse"

"I wanna play a game..." ~From "Saw I-VI"



The highlighted children are not mine.
— AresFig