No Name Yet!!!! (needs one real bad!)

Sometimes, People wonder
Where does happiness come from?
Does it come from the beauty of life?
Or from the laughs and smiles...

But there are dark people,
That aren't happy,
They surge into violence,
With hate flowing through them like black ink through a broken pen.

They stare, in complete silence
And think, why is everyone happy?
We all wonder, is it the laughs?
Or is it the smiles?

But we overlook these small,
Simple things.
Does nature really have a name?
Are clouds actually soft?

And does the sun really "shine?"
We all wonder,
When we're angry,sad,and even happy.
You think, why am i happy?

It's all because of the walk to work.
You cross through the park,and see the smiles
And you here the laughs, but why do you feel down?
Why aren't you as cheerful as these people?

It is because of you're addiction,
The taste of the drug, just makes you want more.
The smell, the sight
You cant resist, But you try.

You cant feel yourself
Only the cold numbness of the floor,
As you collapse to the ground,
You cant have anymore.

The shadows sprint through you're veins
And swirl over white blood cells,
They transform, into dark shadowy figures,
Who invade you're dreams, with lost hopes of death and destruction

You don't know who to see,
What to do, or where to do it.
You wander hopelessly into the dark alleyways,
And you, become a soldier to sins.

A bellower in darkness,
You feel the black power run through you're veins like a wild cheetah
And it feels good, you don't want it to stop.
And you become another victim, of the dark followers.

You become the drug fiend,
You taste the darkness,
You see it swirling through you like a snake
But you don't stop.

You only wonder, why feel happy?
When there is no purpose,
There is only death, and no happiness about it.
So why do people smile? it is yet another mystery, of mankind.....



Kilo,



p.s.this is motleycruebeast,i made a new account becuase of my awesome new nicname,so if you like my work i will be posting here now

Hello! I like it, but there's a few issues...

Sometimes, People wonder

capatalizing people is unessecary.

You think, why am i happy?

Capatalize the I...

You cant feel yourself

cant is Can't, my good chum. You do this in some other areas of the work.

Who invade you're dreams,

You're is your. Those tricky apostrophes! This is a good script with an interesting subject. Keep writing... or else.

Vast!! So... predatory? Nah.. threatening.

Kilo, I loves your writing. I already reviewed this on your other profile. Lol.

Love,
Fixed

^^ heyhey Kilo! Nice poem you have going here. I just have a few words of advice. Vast fixed all your little grammar mistakes there, so we're all good with that.
Rhythm - Your lines are all of different lengths. Now, this isn't exactly a bad thing, however, in this case, it messes with the flow. Especially in these lines,

They surge into violence,
With hate flowing through them like black ink through a broken pen.
They stare, in complete silence

it sounds kinda awkward. My idea to fix it would be to just split the second line into two different lines. The ending lines are bugging me for the same awkward sense of rhythm.
The best advice I've ever gotten in fixing this is to read it out loud. It really helps you feel how the poem should sound.
Description - In a poem, one of the most important things to remember is to show not tell. I know that I've made the same mistakes tons of times, lol. So, here are some examples of what you could change to really make a picture in the reader's mind (think similes, metaphors, and imagery).

Do birds fly?
And does the sun really "shine?"

The first line is rather drab, don't ya think? Instead of birds, you could describe them more; maybe say "spots of black soaring through the sky" or something. Now, that's off the top of my head and really not that good, but you get the idea right?
Similarly, the sun shining is a classic image. Elaborating on it and describing the rays of shimmering light that reflects off of the water or something will make it sound a lot more beautiful.
One line I really liked though was :

It is because of you're addiction,
The taste of the drug,
just makes you want more.
The smell, the sight
You cant resist,
But you try.
You cant feel yourself
Only the cold numbness of the floor,

Overall - Nice concept. A lot of poems are written about angst and sad stuff, but I rarely see such happy poems. It's really nice to read one. And, you've managed to put a nice twist in it, really showing the mystery of happiness. It's really beautiful, concept-wise. Watch out for "telling" too much and not describing enough. Like I said before, read it out loud or to a friend, it really helps.
^^ Hope this helped!
Peace, love, and chocolate,
Flute Loops <3