Skin Deep: A Short Story

I wrote this piece almost six years ago and I think it shows. I'd like you to tear it apart so that I can refine it.


Taryn turned her face away from the mirror, hot tears staining her cheeks. The nurse wheeled her back to bed. Taryn covered her face and sobbed uncontrollably. Her once beautiful face and body was now a bulk of contorted flesh. Unsightly blisters covered the left side of her face. Chocolate brown hair that at one time reached her waist, was now scorched to her chin. The smell of burning hair would forever be tattooed in her memory. Taryn's milky white complexion was a disgusting raw-meat red.
The nurse covered her with the sterile hospital blankets and Taryn listened to her footsteps fade away. She closed her ice blue eyes and replayed that horrific night again in her mind. It had been two days before homecoming and she had hoped to be crowned Homecoming Queen. Her baby pink cocktail dress had been purchased; appointments for her nails and hair were set. Her long time boyfriend had made reservations at a posh restaurant and they had rented a limo for the occasion.
Taryn went to bed that night with visions of disco balls and football games in her head, only to wake up with flames licking at her down comforter. She remembered screaming as the fire melted her skin, choking on the thick sable smoke. Waking up in a stark white hospital room with the scent of disinfectant only added to the desperation she felt.
Her dream was shattered because her stepmother had stupidly left her cinnamon-scented candle next to some lace curtains. Her entire family had escaped the fire with barely a scratch, while she lay crippled in a hospital bed. Today her step mom and her dad were attending her stepbrother's soccer game. Later on they were going to her stepsister's piano recital. That witch of a mother had her father wrapped around her finger. They hadn't even visited her in the last twenty-four hours.
Not that she wanted anyone to see her hideous visage. Taryn felt confused and angry that she had to suffer for her stepmother's mistake. Taryn’s appearance wasn’t the only thing the fire had destroyed.
"Taryn, you have a visitor." The nurse said as she peeked her head through the door of Taryn's room.
The last thing Taryn wanted was for one of her friends to see her repulsive image. She rolled onto her side facing the large window that overlooked the hospital parking lot. As Taryn listened to the shuffling footsteps of her unwanted guest she shut her eyes against the tears that were ready to overflow. She prayed that this visitor would tire of watching her back and would leave.
"Taryn," Ethan whispered.
A single tear escaped. Not him, anyone but him. Taryn willed him out of the room. She would rather die than see his horrified expression.
"Please baby I know you are awake, don't be stubborn."
Taryn ignored his pleas, shoving the corner of the blanket in her mouth. Silent sobs shook her whole body, making it more than evident that she was awake.
"Come on honey, it is just me.”
"Ethan!" She finally shrieked. "Go away! Leave me alone! I don't want you here!" Taryn could see Ethan's reflection in the window. She watched as he placed something on her nightstand. He stood for a moment looking at her back and then, with a big sigh, left her room.
When she had recovered from a case of hiccups she rolled over to see what Ethan had left behind. There was a homemade card signed by all of her friends and a tiara. She had been crowned Homecoming Queen after all.

Hi,
It was beautiful with no flaws that I could see.You were such aa great writer at the age of sixteen also.keep writing!!!!! IS this all or you have more to write? Pm me when you come with another one.

Hello Moriah. I will be your narrator today.

Structure:

This story is lacking dramatic structure (Expo => Rising action => climax => falling action => Deno) which gives the impression that this is the introduction to a longer story. You could flesh this out into a longer short story by making it clear who the antagonist is and delving more into Taryn's background. Describe her life before the accident. What does she like/dislike most of all. Why does she have a stepmother instead of just a mother? Did the stepmother intentionally set her on fire?

Describe the characters in greater detail. You could give us a brief description about the nurse as well as Ethan. They are the only other characters in the story who actually make an appearance in this particular scene so we should know what they look like.


Prose:

You really need to work on your descriptions in scene and summary. Specifically when dealing with your use of adjectives and adverbs.

Taryn turned her face away from the mirror, hot tears staining her cheeks. Taryn covered her face and sobbed uncontrollably. Her once beautiful face and body was now a bulk of contorted flesh.

You can make this whole description a lot more effective by using getting rid of the adverbs and adjectives and using stronger words.
Here's how I would re-write this description

"The sight of her unfamiliar face in the mirror made Taryn begin to cry once more, the tears stung the open wounds on her face as they trickled down from her blue eyes. Her face which had once held a smile that glowed like the sun on rolling fields of wheat was now lost forever." ---eh, something like that.

My best advice would be to sit down and rewrite this entire story from scratch. And when you are doing that, DO NOT think about the reader at all. That may sound like it doesn't make sense, but when you write your first draft without any regard for the person who will be reading it, you end up with a finished product that is all the more authentic. Its sort of like, writing a story for a contest which is something I definitely do not recommend. Stories which are written for a certain audience tend to be less believable than stories written just for you.
Don't worry about the word usage or sentence structure when you are writing your first draft (just as long as you're not writing down a bunch of adverbs/adjectives again).

AFTER you have finished your first draft, that is when you can go back and edit the story. Exchanging bland words for more effective ones, changing the sentence structure, adding sentences/paragraphs etc which will help the story. Deleting others which do not help the story at all.

Good luck with your story.

This is written very well. Being completely honest there. I just have a few issues with it...

Burn victims that are burnt that intensely, all over their face, don't tend to survive. They definitely won't be able to cry just days after the incident. They won't be able to walk, either.

Love the ending. Just saying.

I don't really like how her family hasn't visited her. It doesn't seem that realistic to me. I like how she blames the stepmother, but I don't want the stepmother to be really evil.

In Ethan's last dialogue, he says "it is." Most people don't say that in real life. Try the contraction -- "it's"

I feel like you didn't really capture the emotion of the scene, especially at the start. If this is Taryn's first time seeing her face, it would be alot more emotional. Use your pal, Figurative Language, to help you out with that one.

Hope I helped. PM for questions/comments
Cheers,
-Lena