17 and heart broken

It amazes me how you looked straight into my eyes, and lied to me.
After all that while thinking that you were nothing like the goons I used to date.
You filled me up with lies and I believed every word, never having one single doubt about you.

I remember the day I met you.
I thought you were "peng",but your game got me fooled cause I thought you were real.
You came up to me and asked for my number, I gave it to you, no hesitation.
Then we started linking, late night conversations on the phone, butterflies in my stomach, getting excited whenever I saw you.
The next thing I knew, I was falling for you.
I thought you were the one for me and I had no doubt in 'getting it on' with you.
I remember the fateful day I came over, kissing up my neck and taking it slow...
You whispered something in my ear about how 'you love me'
Being 17 and naive I believed you.

The next thing I knew, my phone was blasting off the hook.
Your boys calling me and asking me for "beats"
At school I was, "Slag". Slag!
I called your phone but you forwarded my calls, I texted and you blatantly ignored me.
I was surprised, shocked, confused.
My mind went blank and I was all alone
Shivering in a cold heartless world
With no one to dry my tears

Then my phone started ringing and your name flashed across the screen.
I got excited and picked up
The next thing I heard was you telling me, "It's over."

Deep. I Liked this. Though I do have a few complaints, praises and a tip...

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Complaints:

angelmince wrote:It Amaze Me How you actually looked straight into my eyes and lied to me

That can really turn someone off. Read through your story making sure you finalize and perfect all your grammar and English and punctuation.

This review styl eis adopted from Izumi, and thus I will now quote your story. Some things I will just change as they are minor errors, What you should change will be in red...

angelmince wrote:It Amaze Me How (Should Be: It amazes me how) you actually (I would remove "actually")looked straight into my eyes and lied to me
After all that while thinking that you are (Should be: were) nothing like the goons I used to date.
You filled me up with lies and made me believe every single word you said(Could be: And I believed... Because he can't really MAKE you believe everything), never having one single doubt about you (Plus it flows with this line!:) ).
I remembered (Remember) the day I met you, I thought you were "peng",but your game got me fooled cause I thought you were real.
You came up to me, you (Could be: And...)asked for my number,I gave it to you with no(Could be without) hesitation.
Then we started linking , late night conversations on the phone, butterflies in my stomach, getting excited when I see you.
(You could have started a new sentence instead of carrying on with the commas.)
The next thing I knew, I was falling for you.
I thought you're (you're is usually read as you are which is present tense. Change to you were.) the one for me and I had no doubt in getting it on with you (You could italicize there).
I remembered (remember, stick to tense) that faithful (Fateful)day I went (Could be came, in fact it could be: I came over. Shortens the sentence) to your house, kissing up my neck and taking it slow...
You whispered something in my ear about how you loved me
Being 17 and naive I believed you.
(Skip a line, new stanza. I noticed your poem had none which was discouraging)
The next thing I knew, my phone was blasting off the hook.
Your boys calling me and asking me for "beats"
I Went to school and everyone started calling me a slag! (One exclamation mark doesn't hurt. Gives imitation of crying)
I called your phone but you forwarded my calls, I texted (There wass no need for "your phone" because it doesn't matter, you still texted) and you blatantly ignored me.
I was surprised, shooked (Should be shocked)and confused. (I get where you were going with the ands but just putting a comma is better.)
My mind went blank and I felt all alone
Shivering in a (Instead of the) cold heartless world
With no one to dry my tears
My phone started ringing and your name flashed across the screen.
I got excited and picked up
The next thing I heard is you telling me, "It's over" (One dialogue piece would make a great ending!)

Also remember not to write I and then capitalize the first two words of your sentences. Always re-read your work. But I guess the above didn't help so let me re-write without any reds...

angelmince wrote:[color=#FF0000]It amazes me how you looked straight into my eyes, and lied to me.
After all that while thinking that you were nothing like the goons I used to date.
You filled me up with lies and I believed every word, never having one single doubt about you.

I remember the day I met you.
I thought you were "peng",but your game got me fooled cause I thought you were real.
You came up to me and asked for my number, I gave it to you, no hesitation.
Then we started linking, late night conversations on the phone, butterflies in my stomach, getting excited whenever I saw you.
The next thing I knew, I was falling for you.
I thought you were the one for me and I had no doubt in 'getting it on' with you.
I remember the fateful day I came over, kissing up my neck and taking it slow...
You whispered something in my ear about how 'you love me'
Being 17 and naive I believed you.

The next thing I knew, my phone was blasting off the hook.
Your boys calling me and asking me for "beats"
At school I was, "Slag". Slag!
I called your phone but you forwarded my calls, I texted and you blatantly ignored me.
I was surprised, shocked, confused.
My mind went blank and I was all alone
Shivering in a cold heartless world
With no one to dry my tears

Then my phone started ringing and your name flashed across the screen.
I got excited and picked up
The next thing I heard was you telling me, "It's over."

And that's it for complaints. Really!

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I have Praise...

I really think you did well on this poem. It felt like a story, and everything came easily. Came naturally. I saw her walking down the street, in the corner of her rom crying. Her old Nokia lighting up green... "GEROME" written on the screen. Everything. And I especially liked your ending.

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Tips :
Re-read through stories
Careful of Capitals
Brevity = Correctitude. Make sure everything flows and is short.
If you can, have one instance of something special (e.g dialogue or an exclamation mark) that is present nowhere else. It brings out what you want out.
Keep it up!
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Finisher: You did really well. Just re-read and adhere to your style and you'll fly high. Hero away!

Thank you very much.. That was really really helpful.!