Mentally Complicated [Part 1; Revised, not vulgure}

[This is only part 1 of this story idea I had. Keep in mind as you read this and the others to come that I am making a story thread. What that means is that I am making multiple stories, each having different characters and/or plots, but in the end, they are all going to be connected. This story is called Mentally Complicated
and it is the first in my story thread. The next will be called Friend's Secrets.]

[I thank you for reading this and and commenting on it. This is my first ever post and there will be more to come.]


It’s dark. Extremely dark. The kind of dark that can suffocate…

There is a slight sense of danger in the air.

There are voices coming from behind. They are progressively getting louder. The sense of danger grows with the volume.

Then the world ends…

Falling…

Falling…

Falling…

The albino ferret woke up and shot up in a sitting position in his bed. His chest was heaving deeply, his breath coming in and out shuddery. His whole back was sopping wet from his sweat, more than likely caused from sleeping under two blankets in the middle of August. Or at least that’s what it should’ve been.

Suddenly, there was an alarm. It sounded noisily, blaring out it’s obnoxious noise. Blizz looked over at his night stand and saw that the noise was coming from his alarm clock. He quickly hit the top of it with his fist and enveloped his face with both paws.

Wow, I guess it's finally here. My first day at this special school, he thought to himself as he rubbed sleep from his eyes. He caught himself wondering about the school he was going to, about what it would be like. He didn't figured it was going to be filled with kids his age that were smart, being that that was not the purpose of the school, but he did figure that most the kids attending for the same reason as he were all going to have something special about them.

The green numbers on his clock glowed the current time: 5:30 A.M. Just another two hours before he and his father had to drive out of state to this special school. Blizz caught himself yet again thinking of how he got himself into this deal…

It was the first official day of summer. June 21, the best day in the world, or at least to Blizz it was. He absolutely loved the warmth provided by the overhanging sun at this time of year. He also loved how he didn’t over-heat, due to his white fur that reflected the golden beams of sunlight.

It had been a rather long day, full of exploring and swimming and being outside. Blizz even was able to sneak in a little “extra fun” with his friend, Margo, in the dry creek bed in the forest besides his house. He could still feel a gentle tingle on his lips even as he waved bye to Margo from her driveway as he began making his way home.

As Blizz made his way up the long gravel driveway to his house, he thought he could see his parents in the kitchen window, reading some paper. His mom seemed to be reading it to his dad, who was leaning against the counter top, listening intently.

Must be some letter from an old friend or something, or maybe even a wedding invitation. Mom does love to get those, he thought as he hoped up the porch steps and opened the door with a big, "Hey guys!" to announce that he was home. His parents turned to look at him and they chuckled as they saw what looked to be lip gloss along Blizz's lips.

"Looks like you had a good day, son," his dad said, stifling more chuckles. Blizz looked at them both confusedly, but nodded.

"Yup, had a pretty good day." He walked over to the table and sat down as his mom began bringing food to the table.

"Really now? Seems to me like you had a little bit more than a pretty good day," she said as she set down a bowl full of steamed vegetables. "Oh, and by the way, that color lip gloss doesn't fit you." She and Blizz's dad began laughing as Blizz's eyes shot open and he quickly began wiping the back of his paw over his lips multiple times.

"You still got it on you, son," his dad said through a giggle as he sat down at the head of the table. His mom brought a few chickens and a bowl of rice to the table before finally sitting down next to her husband and across from her son. After calming down from their giggle fit, both parents began fillin their plates with the aromatic food.

A few minutes into the meal, Blizz's mom looked over at her son and said, "Oh, Blizz, a letter came by in the mail for you today. Something about a school wanting you to attend with them next semester." She got up and walked over to the couner and grabbed a letter and brought it over to Blizz. He grabbed it and looked it over.


The letter looked normal enough. On the front it had his address hand written in pen sll elegant-like. Though at the top left corner, there was no return address, which seemed funny. If this was good school, wouldn't they want their name on just about everything? The top was already open and the letter inside was just barely poking out. Blizz grabbed it and gave it a quick look over.

The first thing that Blizz noticed was the name of the school. Institute for High Mentality. Not exactly the average name to your average special school. Upon further reading and he found out that it wasn't really a school after all, but a kind of lab. It did have students that attended there on a normal basis, but they were mostly famous scientists that Blizz had never even heard of. And instead of learning, they conducted various expiraments, most having to do with improving the the natural body.

The reason the school--institute--wanted him was because of a test he had taken at the end of the school year. It was supposed to test his thought process to see if he thought like most geniuses, even though he didn't exactly get the best grades.
They needed him to do some expiraments. Something to do with expiramental teaching methods. Honestly, that didn't sound all that bad to Blizz, even thoyugh when he thought of this lab he thought of weird looking, crazy haired scientists hovering around test tubes and chimicals and holding syringes filled with some glowing green liquid and when he thought of an expirament he thought of two girls kissing. He shook his head, realising his mind had wondered off topic.

Both his parents were watching him read over the letter, looking slightly nervous. His mom walked around the table and stood over her son, placing a paw on his shoulder. "Well, what do you think, hun? Kinda cool, huh?" She smiled at him as he looked up.

"Yeah, it does seem pretty cool," he set down the letter when he finished reading it. "Though I don't know if I want to go or not. I mean, what about you guys? What about my friends? I've got a life here, you know."

"Yeah, you gotta stay here with your girl friend, huh? With any luck you could get farther with her by winter," said his dad, who quickly recieved a punch in the arm from his mom. "Ow, just kidding. It's your choice, son. We'll stick with your decision," he said, running his arm where he was hit.

Blizz sighed and pressed his hands to his head, partly from embarrassment at what his father said, but mostly because of this decision. If he stayed, he'd get to stay with his friends, family, girl friend, but he'd miss out on a great opportunity. If he went, he'd meet new people, learn some new and interesting things, and possibly become a famous test subject to something that could make the world smarter, but he'd be a whole state away from his life. He'd deffinetly have to think it over for a while.

His mom saw his frustration and bent down to pick up his plate. "Here, lemme get that for you, hun. Why don't you sleep on it, think it over for a bit." Blizz nodded and stood up from the table. He hugged and kissed both his parents once before heading up to his room, head full of thoughts towards his decision.

It was the better part of two weeks before Blizz had his decision. He chose to go to the instute. He knew he'd miss his friends and family, but he could still call them and see them every now and again. He felt slightly excited about going to this place, but for some reason he could sense something wrong about it. A voice in the back of his head had been whispering to him for the whole summer, trying to get him to reconsider his decision. But, the letters have already been sent and the times have already been set up. Too late to back down now.

Now, it was the scheduled first day of school for him. Luckily, he didn’t have to be there until noon, which gave him and his dad plenty of time to drive across the state. What awaited Blizz at the Institute for Improved Mentality was still a total mystery to him and his family, and all his instincts told him to be warry, but that in no way diminished his excitement.

[Edited and revised once.]

Hey Zeek! Nice to see a new face at YWS.

This is very well-written. Keep writing.

Is the main character in this really an albino ferret? I'm sorry, but that seems sort of strange to me. Actually really strange. If not, then why put that in there?

There's nothing wrong with your writing style, at all.

I have a couple other main issues with this.

It seems too coincidental that Blizz walked in right as his parents were having this "very important talk." In my opinion, its too unlikely that the events would occur like this, if you understand what I mean. Like, the story should start out with something else, not with Blizz accidentally overhearing an extremely important conversation. Things never work out that way in real life.

The idea of a kid being sent away to a special school is extremely cliched. Think of all the books that have kids that get sent to boarding schools for smart kids.. Harry Potter, Charlie Bone, etc. The list goes on and on. Sorry if I totally killed your entire idea.

What is so bad if the teachers teach them with "experimental teaching methods?" The parents act like this is really bad, but I don't get what the deal is.

That's all. PM for questions/comments.
Cheers,
Lena

Okay, firstly, thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it. Secondly, at the very beggining, I said I was making a story string. This is only the first part of the first chapter of the first time frame. I am thinking I will go ahead and start off the second part, which is about completely different characters and about a completely different place. Thirdly, I know that the idea for a special school has been used, but keep in mind this is only PART UNO, and you never know how this is going to play out. For all we know the story could end up taking a drastic turn in another direction. Oh, and, umm...

Spoiler

I have a main idea for this. Blizz is actually only a back drop character. He is not of any importance in the whole plot of my story string. He will be thrown out after this part is finished. I'm not saying how, but he will.

Okay, and finally, I've just got a fasination with anthromorphic characters. They can show their emotions in so many different ways. I mean, when you think of a normal human and it's emotions, you think of eyes, sounds, posture, and the mouth. With anthromorphic characters, they can show it in fur character (frizzy, smooth, on-end, you get the idea), the tail, and in different sounds. Like foxes, although dog-like, cannot bark. They yip. It may also be because my favorite book series is the the "Redwall" series, by Brian Jacques. You may wanna check up on it if you're looking for some good books to read.

Finally (for real this time) I know about that scene you are talking about. I will probably change it in my next draft. I was just basicly writing on the seat of my pants, being really bored and stuck on another part of my story string. Oh, by the way, this in no way is how any of the other stories are gonna play out. Just something for you to look forward to.

Again, thank you very much, I will be sure to look at a few of your stories and comment as well, as long as you keep reading about my stories. Hopefully the next part will be written much, much better than this one. I've never written this part out, so it was kind of just whatever I could think up went into it. Again, don't get your mind set on the idea I've set up already. Plot twists galore are what I've got in store.

In Love, Peace, and the Beatles,
Zac H. (A.K.A. Ezekiel the Weasel)

Woops, forgot something. I should probably put a little more emphasis on why his parents are acting so weird. Honestly, they are holding information. They were told more than what they are letting on. Lets jsut say you wouldn't want these expiramental teaching methods done on you, *evil face and laugh*

Hey Zeek! I don't believe we've met! Welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella or, well, anything you want, really, and I will be your reviewer today!

I. NITPICKS

There is a slight sense of danger in the air, well followed by pursuit. Danger and pursuit, what could be a better combination?

well followed by pursuit? Pursued by pursuit? In the air? I mean, really, dear? You can do better and less purple than that.

They are progressively getting louder, louder, louder!

As a rule, I really hate exclamation marks in prose. Like, in real life, all the time! But not here. It's not an exclamation. No one has exclaimed anything.

as does the feeling of pursuit.

Again with this pursuing business.

his breath coming in and out ragged and shuddery.

Ragged is an adjective, not an adverb.

His whole back was sopping wet from his perspiration,

too posh for old fashioned sweat, are we? He's a ferret. Ferrets can sweat. Actually, can they? *muses*

blaring out it’s obnoxious noise.

its. Remember, his, her, its, he's, she's, it's. Simple!

Ugh, yet another beginning to yet another stupid year at school… he thought. The only thing about that thought is that it was completely untrue. This year, he had been accepted to attend a special school for special minds. Heh, yeah, like I’m all that special…

Don't tell us that! He's not going to think "Ugh bla bla bla" if it's not true. Show us him thinking about his first day.

[i]It was the first official day of summer. June 21,

This isn't a complaint, because I know summer starts at different times in different places, but LOL, that's late. Ours starts in May Autumn is August.

Chicken, rice, and vegetables.

I thought he was a ferret? What do ferrets eat?

but that in no way diminished his excitement.

I thought he didn't want to go?

II. THE DECISION

You know what I hate? Those characters who can never work out what's going on around them. Or at least they appeared not to. If some institute wants to take smart people in, then why can't he just acknowledge that he's smart? Nobody is modest in their own head.

As well as that, you give us the impression that it's only really a question of shall I go or shall I not go? These things rarely are. Think about "Will I leave here?" or "Will I stay here?" He doesn't seem to factor in his family, his friends, his surroundings, his home. Does he not care about any of that?

As well as that, well, experiments on his mind? (Mental experiments, btw, sounds weird). He doesn't seem to care much. EXPERIMENTS. Think about all those films and books you've watched with evil mad scientists EXPERIMENTING. It's practically an evil word! Isn't he a little worried?

III. PURPLE PROSE

You actually relax a bit more once you get into your story, but at the beginning of your story you're veering on purpleness? Not sure what I mean? Purpleness is when you say:

"Kal elegantly glided across the reflective floors of the palace that mirrored her golden hair as if she was made only of air"

instead of:

"Kal walked lightly towards us."

Okay, maybe that's not the best example, but you get the idea. Trying to make things profound... leaves you sounding silly. Dumb it down. Make it natural, make it simple. Your story, your characters, your writing, should stand by itself with just a few pretty phrases. Don't overkill.

As I say, once you start the actual story, you're not so bad. The beginning, however, is a little dodgy.

IV. OVERALL

I don't think I've read about an albino ferret before (does he get teased in school for being albino)? This was interesting

Hope I helped, and if you need anything, please feel free to PM me!

-Stella.

Thank you, and I think I'll call you Stella. Well, like I've possibly said before, I wrote this on the seat of my pants without much prepping at all. I do realise that some parts are confusing at this point in time, but that is only because one: this is part one of chapter one of the first part of my story string and two: I planned for things to be vapid in the beginning of this.

Okay, first I'll adress the parts in which you spoke of pursuit. Well, I'm guessing I over-exadurated that part. But, hey, it's a dream. We all have those dreams of being chased by God-knows-what. And the part where it says 'well followed by pursuit,' I kinda meant for it to taek a different point than what you stated. Think about it: Blizz may be human-like, but he still technically an animal, and animals have instincts, which ussually tell them when they are being chased, or in other words, under pursuit. I'll change that whole beginning when I go over everything again, but I'm jsut gonna put that out there.

Hmm, well, not much I can say as far as my grammatical errors go. I suck at typing and looking at the monitor, thus meaning I stare down at the keyboard while I type. I miss lots of mistakes. All I can say is thank God for Spell Check!

To answer your ferret related questions: Ferrets generally eat chicken or poultry, as do most mammals in the musteline familia. And about his fur... hmm, never really thought of that. I mean, think of it like this: albino animals are generally pretty rare, correct? Well, except in arctic areas, where their fur is needed to be white so they can survive. But in a place where where it possibly rarely snows? Well, he's probably the only one of his kind at his school. But, if you think about human schools, don't we kids ussually like it when somebody stands out in an abnormal way? When someone comes to school with a pride shirt on (which, I would like to point out, I am planning on doing) doesn't the student body take one of two paths: either to make fun of the prideful young one or to praise him for his pride and show him support?

Well, to each their own, I guess is all I can say for that...

And... I don't know... He's anthromorphic, which means he has human traits and yet is still an animal. So, he could sweat, and he can pant, too, and whimper and yip and wag his tail....

It's not that he's not smart, I never at all said he was smart. I said in the story that the institute wanted him because he was the perfect specimen. If he was smart, he would've used that little trickle of ferret cunning and figured out that his parents were holding information on him and that going would be a bad idea. But, I'll change that pronto.

Again, thanks for the comment. I love getting them!

In Peace, Loce, and the Beatles,
Zac H. (A.K.A. Ezekiel the Weasel)

Okay everyone, I've revised this once so far and edited once. So, come on and hit me with your best shot!