The Rebellion (prologue)

I know it's been a long time but I've finally edited it and I'm almost done with the first chapter and it should be up soon.


They came in the night. They always came in the night. They could not risk upsetting the peace of everyday life in the streets and raising skepticism from the public. In the night they had cover, more cover then they needed. The always struck quietly, quickly and efficiently. No one could remember a time they had ever failed to finish the job. Her father had been ready for them for quite some time. He had been waiting in the entryway every night for a week, armed and ready to protect his family. He told her not to be afraid but of course she was. Though young she was not naïve, she knew what happened if the police took you in the night. She couldn't sleep that night and was lying awake when she heard the front door burst open. Immediately her father yelled for her mother to get the children. She heard the sounds of struggle as she sat terrified in her room. She knew she was supposed to hide but was frozen with fear, for her father and for herself. The fighting was loud, louder then the police wanted she knew, and suddenly her mother was screaming in her brother's room next door. Heart pounding wildly, she scrambled out of bed. She ran to her door and peered through the small crack. She watched her father fall and heard her mother scream something that sounded like "Hide!" But it was too late; a large, darkly clad man was heading towards her room. Terrified, she stepped back from her door, frantically rushing to dive beneath her bed. He burst through the door without even using the doorknob. Instantly he spotted her and grabbed her ankle, pulling her across the floor towards him. Utterly petrified, she began to scream as the man carried her out of her room and through the house. Restrained, she watched horrified, as her mother was knocked down as well. Her last image of her parents was of them being bound and dragged out of the house and into the night. Not to be seen again.

You are obviously a very talented writer, this is very nice. Not too many obvious grammatical errors either.


The word "then" is incorrect here. It should be "than." When a comparison is being made, always use "than"

In the night they had cover, more cover then than they needed.

This piece starts out very formal, but sadly contractions have no place in formal writing, except in dialogue.

She couldn't could not sleep

You say that the mother is calling her from the brother's bedroom. Why did the mother rush to save all of the children, but left the MC to fend for herself?


Your formatting is kinda funky, to be honest. The huge paragraph looks very foreboding to potential readers. Why don't you break it up a bit?


I think that you should use some, like, figurative language or whatever to really describe the little girls emotions in the scene. I mean, you say that she is "frozen with fear," but that really isn't enough. Go in depth and capture the emotion of this event.


You last sentence isn't a full, proper sentence and it bugs me. Some of your other sentences are clunky too, but this can be fixed.


Your title needs to be changed. "The Rebellion" just ain't that exciting.



Overall, very nice work Looking forward to seeing more in the future. PM for questions/comments

Cheers,
Lena

Hey EmeraldCity! I don't think we've met. I love the name, *points to avatar* anything to do with Oz and I love it... anyway, I'm Stella, and I'll be your reviewer today...

I. NITPICKS

raising skepticism from the public.

Maybe suspicion would be more appropriate?

louder then the police wanted she knew,

than.

frantically rushing to dive beneath her bed.

Frantically isn't needed here, it's conveyed by "rushed" and "dive" already.

Alright.

II. PARAGRAPHS

This is all one paragraph! What's that about? Start a new paragraph whenever there's a new idea or theme introduced. Especially if it's your opening paragraph! You don't want to make people face a huge block of text like this. Split it up. Even if it feels like you're making too many, it's better than too few. This is an action-filled sequence, make it feel like one. With no paragraphs, it's got a bit of a textbook feel about it. So go on! Press that Enter key!

III. PASSIVITY & SHE

Okay. So I assume you know what the passive case is? It's when you say "She was being hit by them" insteaad of "They hit her." At times it can be just right. At others, you need to use the active. Even if you're not using the passive, sometimes it can feel like it. If you use the words "be" and "was" a lot, then that's how it comes across. Try to engage us more. Instead of saying that she watched her father fall, say her father fell in front of her eyes. Make everything more immediate!

Also, take a look at your sentences. A lot of them begin with "he" or "she". Mess with your sentence structure! Mix it up!

IV. OVERALL

It's good, just address the technicalities

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.