The City of Elementals, Chapter 5

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Chapter 5!

As I always say, tear it to shreds.

------------------

We went down a steep incline. I was knee deep in tall grass. He glanced back at me occasionally, as if sizing me up. Then I stopped dead. He turned. “What is it?”

I looked at him. “I need my diary.”

He groaned. “You can get a new one when we arrive.”

I shook my head. “No, I need my diary. It’s the only thing I have left of my family. Please, we have to go back.”

Ashton sighed. “Fine, but we’ve got to go quickly. I don’t want to risk using my powers in front of mortals.”

I nodded and led the way back through the hole and to the main road. It was deserted now. I hurried across the street to my house, Ashton following nervously. He glanced around as I unlocked the door to my house and stepped inside. He followed me in. I went over to my bed and pulled a purple book out from under my pillow, putting it in my back pocket. Ashton shifted nervously. “Can we leave now?”

I looked at him, confused. “Why are you in such a hurry to leave?”

“I don’t like this place. We don’t belong here.”

I sighed. “I used to.”

He gave me an odd look, but he didn’t say anything else. I led the way out, closing the door again. Then I heard raised voices. I tensed and Ashton looked very nervous. “We’ve got to get out of here, now.” I nodded and he grabbed my hand, pulling me after him.

Then a large group of people rounded the corner. “There she is!”

Ashton swore. “Come on!” He grabbed my hand, and I was again startled by the heat of his skin. He began to run, pulling me along with him.

I heard them following us, yelling and stamping their feet. He pulled me around a corner... and stopped. He swore again. We were looking directly at a wall. We turned and I saw that the people had seen us run in here and were coming towards us. I swallowed hard, fear blanketed on my face. Ashton saw this and his eyes narrowed.

"Alright, I guess I haven't got a choice." He pushed me behind him. His arms went straight up into the air and an inferno of blinding orange flames appeared in front of us. I gasped, and the crowd stopped, fear in their eyes. The flames hissed and sparked and crackled, seeming almost alive. Ashton made the same sounds, and the fire obeyed like a servant to its master. It became higher and higher, until I couldn't see the mob any more. The heat washed over me in waves, causing my eyes to dry out. My nose began getting uncomfortably hot. Finally, Ashton's arms lowered. The fire died down, and I stared in disbelief.

The people had disappeared.

Ashton wiped some stray soot from his shoulder and sighed. "Let's go."

I nodded shakily. "Yes, let's." He grabbed my hand again and we took off.

---

We had gotten out of the town without any more incidents. We were now walking along the road, heading South towards the ocean. Ashton said that if we walked the whole way we should be there in a few days. I sighed, scratching the back of my neck. My boots were sending little flurries of dust into the air every time they hit the ground.

"What's Vlaineir like?"

Ashton looked at me, seeming surprised by my question. "It's wonderful. There are trees and gardens everywhere, and people of every kind and profession. The Council meets every week to discuss things, and everything's wonderfully peaceful." He sighed. "The different elements are separated, sometimes forcefully. They don't think things would turn out well if we interspersed."

I frowned. "Why?"

He laughed bitterly. "Well, things would hardly turn out well if a Fire Elemental and a Water Elemental had a child, would they? No, it's better like this."

"So," I said slowly, "once we get to the city I won't see you again?"

Ashton shook his head. "Not very often. You may see me occasionally at the Gatherings or in the Central Garden, but unless you somehow get voted into the Council that's the only time." He smiled at my surprised expression. "Yes, I'm in the Council."

"Do you agree with the decision to separate them?" I asked.

Ashton shrugged, but said nothing.

I sighed and returned my eyes to the road ahead of us.

---

The walk was uneventful, but eventually evening fell. The sky grew dark and I saw the stars appearing in its inky depths. Ashton smiled. "Want me to show you something?"

I blinked. "Okay."

His smile turned into a fully-fledged grin and he led me to the side of the road. "Here, lay down." I did so and he laid down next to me. I stared up at the sky. "Do you see the West Light?" He asked, pointing to a particularly bright star. I nodded and he grinned. "Two stars above that you will see one that flickers like a lantern."

I moved my gaze and nodded again. "Yes, I see it."

"That's one of the gateways into our city. It's seldom used except by the air Elementals, lucky as they are. They're the only ones who can get high enough to use it."

I was very surprised. "How many gateways are there?"

"Around... oh, maybe twenty three across the world. Some are in the most obvious places. Magical creatures are attracted to them you know."

I blinked several times. "They are?"

He nodded grimly. "In fact, there's one very near to where you were, in a cave by a river. A demon found it and decided to block it. We would have used that one but I'm not nearly strong enough to face off a fully-grown shadow demon."

I was silent for a moment. "So where's the one we'll be taking?"

"Ah," Ashton suddenly looked grim. "The closest one to us is Vladrin'nas."

"Where is that?"

Ashton sighed. "Unfortunately it’s in the middle of the ocean.” He grimaced. “We would go to the one on the mountain, but this one is much closer.”

I nodded. “We’re taking a boat, then?”

Ashton nodded again, sighing. “Unfortunately, yes.”

I frowned. “Is something wrong?”

He glanced at me and shook his head. “No, nothing at all.”

I was still frowning, but I nodded. We continued on in silence.
Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm mad. That's the way history is written."




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Amazing!

The only thing that could be corrected is that in the beginning you used the word nervous a lot.

Here are some sentences that I have refined just as example:

"I hurried across the street to my house, Ashton following apprehensively. "


"I tensed and Ashton looked distraught. "


Otherwise it is perfect and I can't wait to read more.

tRick
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Phoenix here to review.





“Fine, but we’ve got to go quickly. I don’t want to risk using my powers in front of mortals.”


Why does he worry this. The only reason he'd have to use his powers is if the mortals attack him. If that be the case more then likely they already know he's a freak and him risking using his powers is a moot point.


Then a large group of people rounded the corner. “There she is!”
Ashton

Those people are some good trackers.



I heard them following us, yelling and stamping their feet.


Stamping their doesn't work. I picture a kid standing still and slamming his foot on the ground in frustration


The people had disappeared.


Just to clarify did he burn them into ash or did they run.



Sorry I guess I don't have much to say. I guess my only qualm is the pacing of this section. To this point you've been good with your pacing, but this section is to cut as time passes. I get it their traveling a long time and that's boring but you need to add some description and a little dialogue to beef those sections up. For instance I realize you described Ashton before but honestly when they first met she was probably to scared to completely focused. Here she can better notice things about him. This also can be a place for character development. She can note that Ashton talks a lot or talks very little. Really the list fthings you can do to strengthen the section goes on and on.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~



All the turtles are related.
— Jack Hanna