Dear Diary (I know, what a cliche, right?)

I'm not sure how to post stories yet so I just copied and pasted it into the box. Please review! I really need to know espescially if the diary format works. By the way I don't plan to use "Dear Diary" for the whole book or all of the characters. I put it as 12+ because I don't know if all 11-year-olds say freakin'.

‘You don't know what that uniform signifies to me,’ I said to Caleb, turning my face away so he couldn’t see my expression. I took in a steadying breath. ‘To me, it’s a place where my parents didn’t fight, my brother was still an adorable little titch and all my friends were there. I was SUCCESSFUL there. I was HAPPY there.’ I paused to look at him. He was looking at me. ‘NOW do you know why I’m so angry to see you? To me you represent all those things that I lost. I still had my innocence at that school, I was sheltered and a little kid. I loved it. By you being here means that past can chase me, can haunt me... If you’re here, it reminds me it was real.’ I was almost begging, so pleading was my tone. It could’ve been called passionate, I suppose.
‘So...what you’re saying is...I make you...sad...?’ Caleb asked. I smiled my crazy smile and did a little cynical laugh. ‘No. You make me very, very happy.’ He looked up at my sudden change of tone. I looked straight into his eyes, his uncomprehending still. We had so much history. So much life, and we knew each other so well that it was beyond friends. I knew him inside out, yet not at all. I’d been to all his childhood birthdays, holidays, parties, everything. He still looked befuddled. So it was the hard way, then. I decided to help him out.
I leaned forward, shut my eyes, and kissed him softly on the mouth, slight pressure, put a hand around his head. I leaned back, finishing the kiss. He looked dazed. Well, not exactly the wanted reaction but it was better than angry and confused.
‘Get it now?’ I smiled sadly. He just looked at me, probably in shock for the next fifty thousand years. I got up and walked away forever.
Then I woke up.

**

Dear Diary,
You will NEVER EVER EVER believe what just happened! I’m sitting in my bed, with the pink fluffy pillows, my alarm clock says 3:28AM and I fell asleep about 6 hours ago but my batteries are fully charged. Here’s what happened.
I woke up as suddenly as though lightning had hit me. I looked out the window, running a hand through my hair. ‘Whoa,’ I murmured. It was storming outside, really storming, as though it had a purpose. This storm was angry, really putting effort into being stormy. I saw the young trees bend over and one actually touched the ground. As I sat up and looked out the window, thunder rumbled loudly, like God’s stomach was hungry or had indigestion. Now, I had to ask myself the important questions.
Did I really just have that dream about Caleb? CALEB of all people, CALEB my friend Rachel’s FREAKING BOYFRIEND!!?
Yes, I told myself, I did.
Did I just KISS him in that dream?
YES, stupid.
Sometimes I feel as though there is more than just one person in my head.
Well, I’m just going to say it straight so there’s no more confusion for me or any of the voices in my head, whomever they may be: Yes it’s true, I do have a crush on Caleb, a massive one.
Arghhh!!! Diary, what’s WRONG with me?! I’ve known Caleb since I was three years old! I’ve seen his...thing between his legs *repressed shudder*...at least twice when he was little. Alright, so last year in Year 7 camp he saw my tits but that was because Hannah opened the door by accident and I had no bra on. I...can’t believe I just wrote that. Mental note to self: scribble previous sentence out.
Ta ta, TTFN babbe, got to sleep.

Jazzie xox

I like the "Dear Diary" format, but why is there a dream at the beginning? If you're going to tell us something about it in the diary entry, then omit the dream sequence. Also, diaries (in my personal experience) usually deal with the internal thoughts, not the external/narrative thoughts. Your whole diary entry is written like it's still part of the book, not a separate entity.

The age of the main character is muddy -- I can't figure it out. Because the way she's reacting to the dream makes her sound like a 13-year-old but then she uses the word "tits" and unless she's one of those drug-using, alcoholic, sex fiend 13-year-olds (I know they're there, I do) then she would also be using the word "penis" or "dick" or something of equal caliber to describe "the thing between Caleb's legs". If she's not one of those said 13-year-olds, pick a different word that is less mature for her age. Something makes me think she's not thirteen years old because she actually has breasts. I don't know if that's true for all, but it's true for most, and breast size is a big insecurity among women (AKA it's relatable and a good thing to add in).

Other than those two things, there are some awkward sentences that you could fix just by reading out loud and finding out what sounds natural to you. How do you write diary entries? How do you talk? Do you use chat speak*? Do you narrate what your doing?

*I am very glad that you chose not to use chat speak in the actual writing of this piece.

If you have any questions, PM me and I shall answer to the best of my ability.

-Clara

Hey Bek! I don't think we've met. Welcome to YWS! The name's Stella, and I will be your reviewer today

As for how to post stories, my dear, I've been copy-and-pasting for two years, so if there's another way, it's probably not worth the hassle

I. NITPICKS

I was SUCCESSFUL there. I was HAPPY there.’ I paused to look at him. He was looking at me. ‘NOW

Okay, honestly, while in diary form it's fine, but in normal prose, maybe italics would be better that capitals.

By you being here means that past can chase me, can haunt me...

Why would it haunt you, wouldn't you want to remember good things?

No. You make me very, very happy.’

This should be on a new line.

Here’s what happened.

Should be a colon at the end.

Alright.

II. DIARIES

Okay, so, to be honest, she sounds quite like I do in my diary- or at least in my older entries (I began it when I was fourteen). But things to consider: does the diary not have a name? Mine is a collection of letters to my characters, and a lot of people do different things. Don't be tied down by the idea of having to stick to "Dear Diary"- but if that's what you want to do, fine, don't listen to me.

Again, my diary deals with what happened during the day, so I wouldn't worry too much about feeling like you should just do thoughts. But I'm still wondering, would you sit up and write it in the middle of the night? Surely you would wait until the morning.

And again, to agree with Clara, is this all going to be written in diary format? If so, the dream is totally random and out of place.

III. OVERALL

This wasn't bad, you've got a sweet, natural tone which is wonderful. Just giving you some things to think about.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

No, it's not all going to be written in diary format, and not even from this character's view. This character is about 14 years old, and in any case in high school--according to Australian standards, which is where I live and where the story's set because I've never been anywhere else. She would write in text-talk but I don't like writing like that, so I didn't. Jazzie thinks her life is boring, and she's the kind of girl that makes trouble for the fun of it. She makes up rumours about people for fun.
Also I'm not happy with the dream part, I might cut it out. It was the "muse" part of my story. The reason why she sits up at night writing is because she's dramatic, and wants to BE dramatic. Wow I wrote a lot...for me this comment is a lot.

Thanks for the comments they really helped.