Prose: "Chronicles of the Dhampir: Emergence"

I found some more stuff that I skipped over when posting that part. Here's what you wrote:

I turned and looked out over the weed infested yeard. What once had beena well kapt lawn, filled with groomed hedges and gardens of beautiful flowers had deteriorated into little moe than mass of weeds and knee-high grass. Nothing lived in this place. There was death all around, from the hedges and flowers to the lone tree that once overlooked the property.

it should be:

I turned and looked out over the weed infested yard. What once had been a well kept lawn, filled with groomed hedges and gardens of beautiful flowers had deteriorated into little *more?* than a mass of weeds and knee-high grass. Nothing lived in this place. There was death all around, from the hedges and flowers to the lone tree that once overlooked the property.

yeah, I tend to skip letters when I type...thanks

Jesus... no wonder you got 50 posts this is a very good begining. it makes me sick to think about all th women witht the gapping wounds in their necks.. but what was so cool.

I thought that personally you used too many big words, half of which I have to look up and re read over again.
Loved it.

Well, TBR, he is four years your senior. And he's a senior. Man, we're OLD!

Man, this thread is old! Hunter, update! Now! Oh, and remember to change Bob's name to Aiden, eh?

Pff, no more updates since I last read it, HURRY UP HUNTER! *starts chant* WE WANT MORE! WE WANT MORE! WE WANT MORE!

I went through and updated everything you guys mentioned, as well as adding italics where needed and chagning Robert's name to Aiden. Bobo, I need his last name still.

EDIT: and you thought you'd be getting a REAL update--heh

Just kidding--here's more lol

I fumbled around in the grass, looking for whatever it was I had fallen over. My hand ran over something round and smooth partially embedded in the soil. Working my fingers around the edges of the object, I pulled it from the ground. Holding it up to my eyes so that I could see it better in the dim light, I found myself face to face with a human skull. The bleached bone seemed to grin at me maliciously, its lipless smile steeling my nerves.

Startled, I dropped the skull with a small gasp and scrambled to my feet.

"What was it?" Aiden called.

"Just a rock," I said to him, looking back over my shoulder. I hurried back to my friends and looked to Michael.

"We shouldn't be here, Mike," I told him, narrowing my eyes. Surprisingly, it was Aiden who replied, not Mike.

"No, let's go in," he said. Mike grinned.

"That settles it then--majority rules," he agreed. He took a step toward the porch, Aiden in tow. I hesitated a moment before following reluctantly. As Mike and Aiden walked to the porch, I heard the soft sound of another set of footsteps behind us. Before I could even turn around, a shout pierced the night.

"Get away from there!" A man's voice cried. As one, the three of us whirled around to see the speaker. A tall, thin man stood just a few yards away, standing in the middle of the cobble stone path leading to the gate. He was dressed in a long, black coat which billowed in the wind like a cloak. A wide brimmed bolero sat atop his head, hiding his face. He had one hand extended before him, the other at the clips of his coat. He stood in such a way that he seemed non-threatening, but something about him radiated mal-intent.

Mike was not intimidated in the least by the man's sudden appearance.

More? Please?


Anyways, let us see now... I'm too lazy to go back and check your other sections, so I'll only spell check your last one .

"Get away from there!" a man's voice cried

I'm not too sure, but as the speech ended with a exclamation mark, I'm pretty sure 'a' should be a capital.

as one, the three of us whirled around to see the speaker.

'As' needs a capital again (start of a sentence).

He had one hand extended before hi, the other at the clips of his coat.

'Hi' should be 'him'.

That is god dam good Hunter i like how it start fast not like some story there no problem i can think of but carry i must know more

thanks Fontroy--Surreal, I made the changes you noticed, thanks.

^_^

Now all you have to do is post up the next part (yes, I enjoy nagging ).

Yes, post the next part, cause I love this story so far.

It's Ethelbert. I finally decided. Makes sense that Aiden should have a funny french last name like I do, huh? You can call him Bert if you want to give him a nickname. Otherwise... Aiden.

Wow! The pictures in my mind this story casts--if anyone wanted an example of "showing, not telling," I would tell them to read your story. There is never any question of what something looks or feels like, because you describe everything so thoroughly. Good job.