pressure

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people,laugh
people joke,
but when you breathe,
you only choke

you're heart is crushed,
she doesn't care
you feel so mocked
but no one knows

the sorrow fills you,
like shadows swallow the night,
you stare blindly, in the dark.
you cry yourself to sleep

because words just do not keep,
the promises that they say they will,
and you're broken,
you're lonesome.

you have no one to run to,
no where to run to....

you though she loved you,
or at least liked you,
but she lied.
you cant trust anyone

becuase the shadows in the night move,
and they swirl in a hateful abyss,
of pressure.....


Kilo :elephant:
Last edited by MotleyCrueBEAST on Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:24 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Miles Shellshear




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Very dark... I like it! Just a few minor spelling issues..
she doesnt care
Doesn't, is how it's spelled.
you cry you're self to sleep
You're self should be yourself
and they swirl in a hateful abiss,
It's spelled Abyss. You're missing apostrophes and adding apostrophes in wrong places, but it's a good poem! Keep writing! :lol:
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.




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I actually like this because it shows a lot of emotion.^^
You should touch up on a few things, it is important to take your time with the spelling.
I definitely would like to see more of your lyrics!
...I'm miles from where you are...
~Snow Patrol




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Okay, icky stuff first.

"People, laugh" - comma is in the wrong place.

"You're heart is crushed" - 'You're' means 'You are.' 'Your' is the word for belonging.

I'm not sure what the word for them is, but "..." they come in three's, not four or five's.

There's no capital letters. Poems, even though they're poems, still need sentences, which start with capital letters. Go through this and make sure that if you string the words together without the verses, it still makes sense. You should also let the ideas settle, and read over a few times before posting. There's some easy mistakes here that could have been avoided.

Apart from that, the poem is quite negetive, but you've done really well of conveying your emotions. The minor stuff can be fixed, but putting your heart onto paper is something many people find it hard to do. Well done :)
We were born to be amazing.




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Nice poem, chief.

I don't really have anything to say... yet another one of your poems brought me on the verge of tears. Good ones, though, because you're succeeding at bringing that feeling you had through a computer screen to me, the reader, but just enough to where it's contained. Beautiful. I think everyone's nitpicked at it... except, I found one flaw...

MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:breath,


>:) spell it breathe

Okay, that's all I really have to say! I want more like this... Not so sad, I like the happy stuff. :D

Love,
Fixed
:smt027
The hardest mountain to climb will have the greatest view. Everything at a different angle: memories serve as double vision, a view from the valleys as well as the precipice. But everything that goes up must come down.The descent from the peak will be twice as graceful & three times as difficult




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Very nice! I don't want to repeat everyone, so you need to make a poem for ME to review first! Do it! NOW!











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