Mark of the stones Chapter 1 and 2

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Don't worry about me not finishing guys, this story is already finished. I'm just editing but I need some help. SO here goes nothing....


Chapter 1

“Mom, I’m going out to the fields!” Joshua called at his mother who was busy preparing for dinner in the kitchen.
“Sure mahal, just be sure to get back before dark. We have to set off early for the town you know.” she called back.
“Mahal” Joshua remembered when he was a child and his mother would call him that. It meant “love” in his language.
Joshua went into the kitchen to grab an apple. There she was, a woman of medium height, pale skin and dark, cropped hair. He kissed his mom who was chopping up some vegetables on the cheek and leaned on one of the counters. “So, why are we going to town again?” asked Josh who bit off his apple.
“We have to get some compost starter.” she said then chuckled, “Your father decided that it is better to go organic.”
“Really? How did you convince him? Torture… or worse?” he laughed.
Putting her hands on her hips, his mom turned to face him, the corners of her lips pulled upward into a smile while an eyebrow was raised, “Now I don’t know what you mean by that but do remember, I’m holding a knife dear.” her dark-brown eyes playfully meeting her son’s.
“Whoah mom. Er… I better get going.” Joshua said chuckling. He jumped up and rushed out the door.
“Love you Joshua! Remember, before dark!” his mom called out to him as she continued her cooking.
Joshua started thinking about his life again. He sucked in some air and let it out in a deep sigh. He started wondering about how he could get a new job because he knew he couldn't depend on his parents for long.

It was a cool afternoon and he sat on his spot on the large boulder while watching his parents’ goats. Somehow, the sweet breeze of the rolling fields calmed his nerves and relaxed him. He brushed back his dark hair from his face. His dark brown eyes swept the field as he was taking in the sights and sounds of the field; the bleating of the goats, the watch dog snoring at the foot of the boulder, the mooing of the cows in the pasture. He remembered the events that led to his current situation.

He woke up, but not because of his alarm clock, it wasn’t where it was supposed to be. He looked around slowly. The room was still turning for him, he had a hangover. He found the clock on the floor. “8:47” it said. Joshua jumped up quickly, realizing he was late for work.
The reason he slept so late was because he was out with Steve drinking. Roxy, his girlfriend had just left him for another man and Josh had to let out all his grief. Steve was a good friend of his, a good pair of ears when you need someone to just listen.
When he reached the store, an angry Mr. Paxton was waiting for him. “I put up with you time and time again Mr. Santos. But arriving an hour late for work?” Mr. Paxton said, temples pulsing and his plump face red.
“Well, it was because last night I had to--” As Joshua tried to explain he was cut off.
“I’ve had it with your excuses. YOU’RE FIRED!” And just like that, Joshua’s whole plan crumbled to the ground. Realizing he wouldn’t find a job soon, he used up his remaining cash to buy a one way plane ticket to his home country, the Philippines.



He started fiddling with a twig, pushing small stones around and writing his name in the dirt. As he began to draw assorted shapes and lines, he etched a plus sign, then, its opposite, a minus sign. It got him thinking about the two poles of a magnet; positive and negative. “If I had extremely bad luck, then, I’d attract someone with extremely good luck. Theoretically, following the principle opposites attract.” He thought.

From the corner of his eye, he noticed a kid stray from the group of goats and head into the thick forest that bordered their farm. Annoyed that his daydreaming allowed one of the goats to get away, he quickly jumped off the boulder and ran after the animal.
The kid led him deeper and deeper into the forest. When he finally caught up with the animal, he heard the bushes rustling. He dismissed it as his imagination and he was probably just freaked out by passing the “Balete”, a tree that is said to be a portal between worlds.

It looked really scary with its vines and strange shapes that seemed to be carved into the trunk itself. Perhaps that's the reason it is said to be a portal, is because of how it looks like a a small doorway. There were so many legends in local folklore about monsters coming out of the tree, but probably it was just to scare little children.

He picked up the animal and tucked it under his arm. Curiously, he turned around but didn’t see anything. He had sensed something or someone following him. Furtively, he stooped down to pick up a stone. He felt the presence was now circling him. Suddenly, he heard a twig break behind him. He turned and lunged forward but he was met with a blinding flash of light. He opened his heavy eyelids and he saw he was on the ground. His ears were ringing and he felt nauseated. A green shadow moved about and that was the last thing he saw before losing consciousness.


CHAPTER 2
“Mom?” he muttered as someone patted his shoulder to wake him up. He had a splitting headache. “Mom, I had the strangest dream…” he continued. When his eyes got clearer, he noticed that this wasn’t his room.

He was in a different bed, one with those billowy curtains hanging overhead and several soft pillows. His dark brown orbs strayed across the room filled with knick-knacks and paintings until a large picture caught his eye.
He stared at the picture for a few minutes. Something about the woman seemed so familiar. She was a beautiful woman with curly, dark brown hair, skin as pale as the moon and soft and endearing brown eyes. A wave of comfort washed over him.
His investigation of the room was cut short when someone knocked on his door. A girl, probably fifteen, carrying a goblet, simply strode across the room, ignoring Joshua. She wore a toga. She approached one of the small tables at the other side of the room and opened a small crystal box.

The girl glanced at him then quickly looked away. He realized he didn’t have any clothes on and quickly jumped under the sheets. The girl giggled. He wanted to ask her so many questions, but he didn’t know which one to ask first. She was holding a goblet in one hand and clutching something in the other, but Joshua couldn’t see what it was.
“Um, hi.” He said cautiously from under the blanket pulled up to his nose. Wondering what he could ask her, he was busy debating with himself what questions he should ask when the girl placed herself on his bedside. She placed the goblet on a table beside his bed.

“Where am I?” I asked. She didn’t answer; instead, she smiled then placed three, shiny, white stones on his palm. They looked like marbles but were as small as pills.
He wasn’t sure of what to do with them. The girl watched him intently. He stared at the stones that sat on his sweaty palms. The girl pushed his hand toward him and gestured him to swallow.

“Nah, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” said Joshua nervously. The girl took the pills from him. He relaxed a bit. Then the girl said something he couldn’t understand, in a voice that sounded apologetic. She suddenly pinched his nose, forcing him to open his mouth. Quickly, she threw in the pills, following with water. She covered his mouth so he was forced to swallow and when he did, she let go.

“Yuck! What is that stuff?” he exclaimed, his face had contorted into such a strange looking expression. The strange girl burst into laughter.

“I’m so sorry, but I had to do it. Orders.” asked the girl who was still teary from laughing so hard. Josh paused for a moment, he still had to absorb that someone just forced something down his throat.

“Do you still not understand me?” The girl’s forehead creased.

Snapping his mouth shut, Joshua replied dumbly “Oh, yeah… I understand. Why shouldn’t I?”

“Good.” the girl smiled “You have to come with me. The council wishes to see you.”

He agreed to play along to see what would happen, checking the brightly lit hallways for cameras. The hallways didn’t have windows and looked flat having strange markings bordering the top and bottom.

The girl brought him into a large, dark room with a spotlight in the middle of the large room. Nothing else could be seen.

“Please stand in the spotlight, sir.” said the girl, pointing at the spot.
Joshua complied, not knowing any better.
The girl bowed before abruptly leaving.

“Joshua Santos,” a booming female voice thundered “you are hereby sentenced to twenty years in prison!”
Last edited by TreeHugger12 on Fri Mar 05, 2010 12:04 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Repensum est canicula.

Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi!




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Hey there! I'm here to review your story!

First of all, I think you've got a really good plot and beginning here. It's definitely drawn me in, and makes me want to read more. I love the last line; totally took me by surprise! I'm very curious now to know more about the characters and the place he's been transported to.

I noticed there was a lot of telling, and not as much showing, especially in the beginning. This is something I struggle with, so I can tell you that something that helps me with it is to read other books and really focus on how they relate information to you, as a reader.

There were also some punctuation/dialogue errors. I'd suggest checking out these helpful links: topic44898.html and topic19430.html

Now, onto the nitpicks. :)

TreeHugger12 wrote:Joshua was a young man who felt he was down on his luck. It was a time of hardships and he was feeling low because he could not get a job anywhere. Work was scarce. He was staying with his parents until he could find a way to get back on his own two feet. He felt he had the worst luck in the world.


I pulled this part out as an example of telling versus showing. You're just telling the reader, "Joshua's got no job, he's staying with his parents, and he's feeling extremely unlucky." You want to explain this in a way so that the reader can discover this for his/herself. Here's a little rewrite of mine, as an example (but please don't take it for solid fact! I'm not the best at the showing/telling).

Joshua sighed as he walked along the road. He felt the burdensome weight of the pressure to find a new job. His parents, bless their hearts, were kind enough to let him stay with them, but he knew they couldn't support him for long.

Joshua kicked a small rock in his path, angry with himself, angry with the world, angry with the fate that had led him to this.


You see how that gives more of a visual to the reader?

A really good link about show/tell is here: topic41426.html

The kid led him deeper and deeper into the forest. When he finally caught up with the animal, he heard the bushes rustling. He dismissed it as his imagination and he was probably just freaked out by passing the “Balete”, a tree that is said to be a portal between worlds. He picked up the animal and tucked it under his arm. Curiously, he turned around but didn’t see anything. He had sensed something or someone following him. Furtively, he stooped down to pick up a stone. He felt the presence was now circling him. Suddenly, he heard a twig break behind him. He turned and lunged forward but he was met with a blinding flash of light. He opened his heavy eyelids and he saw he was on the ground. His ears were ringing and he felt nauseated. A green shadow moved about and that was the last thing he saw before losing consciousness.


This whole paragraph is an extreme info dump. First, I'd break it down into smaller paragraphs. Then, add some more details. For instance, you're casually introducing this Balete tree, and I'd really like to know more about it. Has it always been there? What does it look like? Have there been legends about awful things that happen to people being near it? Give the reader something more to picture.


All right, so that's it! Again, you've got a great story and I'm really intrigued. I look forward to reading your next post! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Thanks for the tips and comments! They were helpful!
Repensum est canicula.

Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi!




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Okay, um yeah... This was really good and all, but I'm kind of confused about which beginning I was supposed to read. Is the original the good version or is it the other one?? :lol: Anyways, I'll read the other one and see...

TreeHugger12 wrote:When my eyes got clearer, he noticed that this wasn’t his room.

I didn't many errors in here, except those ranger hawk mentioned already, but I did see a couple slip-ups in the first person singular, like this one. There weren't many though, but you just have to be careful.

That is all, I really liked the story, it's intriguing and I'll definitely read more.. I'm off to read the others :wink:
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
topic75101.html

Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




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..nice, the plot were good, character's were awesome, I believe, you can do lot more,
love to read can't wait to read the next part...
mikee trinidad



I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47