in love with a boy

The wind as soft as a sheet and the trees whistled in it as the tune lulled me to sleep on the picnic blanket. when i woke up i saw nothing but a young boy staring at me from a short distance. he looked about my age. my grade. it almost seemed like i knew him but he was a total stranger to me. he was tall, white, brown eyes, and brown hair. he was everything i could ask for in a guy. Smart. handsome.

the next day he appeared at my school he was attractive to all the girls there...including me. i didn't want to show it but i knew he knew i liked him so i tried not to blush. even though every girl at school was on top of him he couldn't keep his eyes off me.

the next day we spoke.

"hi." i said. "hello. I'm Tyler...Tyler McKenzie." he whispered back at me. i blushed and turned away.what do i say?i asked myself. "well i was wondering-" i was pulled away from school and taken to the field. "don't speak." he firmly said as we leaned to kiss. fireworks were the least of the things going on, there was life. we soon began to press our tongues together he touched my chest and i was instantly in love. he stopped, pulling me back...i couldn't control myself i was in love and he was too... i could feel it. he walked away leaving me in the grass and slowly going away he disappeared into the fog of the morning.

Uhh... have you ever actually been in a romantic relationship before? Or seen one in real life? Because the way you portray this is extremely unrealistic. People do not start french-kissing within a minute of having met, unless they're both drunk and high on ecstasy. Also, from the text, I got the idea that this Tyler is new at your protagonist's school. Even if you're Zac Efron or Miley Cyrus, you're going to be nervous at a new school.

Secondly, the grammar in this piece does need work. This is a story, not MSN chat. That means applying the rules of grammar. Capitalize the first words of sentences, proper nouns (like names) and the word "I".

The wind as soft as a sheet and the trees whistled in it as the tune lulled me to sleep on the picnic blanket.

Your first sentence doesn't make much sense. Try reading it out loud to someone else.

One last thing. It seems like you posted this work in the wrong forum. This is Fantasy Fiction, meaning stories with fantastical elements, like dragons, magic, supernatural creatures, superpowers, etc. This is more like the romantic fantasy of a young girl. Romantic Fiction would be the place for this.

Of course, I may be wrong. Maybe this Tyler was sent by the gods to stop the armies of evil from taking over the world.

I'm smiley, i'll be critiquing your paper.
Well first things first, it was too short for me. You need to get more in depth about this if your planning on showing a relationship. Get more into detail with it. I have to agree with the Merlin, it was way too unrealistic. You don't just kiss someone the minute you met them.

I don't know your writing style or whats easier for you but I would try writing first person like if your the girl in the story. It would help put feeling into her thoughts and it might flow a lot easier for you. If you prefer to write in third person like you are then i would describe both characters a lot more just make sure it doesn't become narrative.

I think that its a cute story just change a few things, you have a great start. PM if you have any questions or advice on it

<3, Smiley

Hi I'm Tori.

I have to agree with Smiley and Merlin. People down just start making out right after they meet and I've never met a guy who just walks away after kissing someone unless it was a goodbye kiss.

If you lengthen it and add some more depth to the characters and some more realistic aspects to the story it could be really good. You have a good foundation to work on, so keep it up!

-Tori

Smileybritt36 wrote:I don't know your writing style or whats easier for you but I would try writing first person like if your the girl in the story. It would help put feeling into her thoughts and it might flow a lot easier for you. If you prefer to write in third person like you are then i would describe both characters a lot more just make sure it doesn't become narrative.

Umm... she is writing in first-person. Note all the "I"s and "me"s.

whatever Merlin i made a mistake -.-

okay guys thinks for the comments but that is why my story is called FICTION it wouldn't REALLY happen in life so yeah what now all of your words were very mean this was just something i wrote in 2 minutes!!!

fictionwriter22 wrote:okay guys thinks for the comments but that is why my story is called FICTION it wouldn't REALLY happen in life so yeah what now all of your words were very mean this was just something i wrote in 2 minutes!!!

The reason you've received this kind of critique (which is not "mean", but "constructive") is because you posted for critique something you spent only two minutes writing. If you don't want critique, you don't have to post. If you want better responses, you can put more effort into your work. But when you do post, even when it's just something you scribbled off in two minutes, reviewers will put time, love and effort into helping you. They're generous like that.

Merlin, Smiley and Tori, thank you for taking time out of your busy day to help this person with her writing. I hope you get back from this community the same effort you put in.

Karsten is one of the best reviewers on this board. I suggest you listen to her.

I'd just like to add that constructive criticism (which is what our comments are) is meant to improve your writing, by letting the recipient know what is wrong with it and giving advice on how to fix it.

i understand what you are saying and i agree but when i say i wrote it in 2 minutes i mean i just wrote it in the spot read it over 3 times and posted it plus it was 3:00 in the morning so i was probly was really weird or somethin haha ok well thanks for your opinion and stuff but i didn't mean like mean as in not nice i just ment mean as in even though the words sounded mean they werent and they were just trying to help...thanks