The Breakout

Prologue

I am Vatten Vatra.I am a human that was made into a a vampire since my birth. I'm a bloodsucking sun hating vampire. I'm not the only one though. There is another, but he is older. His name is Jon Tau. This story is not one of those happy sunshine we love each other books. This story is a true story about me, but listen when I tell you this.
The names in this story aren't real. The places are also not real either.

To describe me I'm a well built sixteen year old African American. I have a full head of black hair. I also have black eye's with black cloth's. I hate to wear anything else because it's not my thing.

To describe Jon I would say around seventeen years old. He is well built. He has white hair with green eyes. He wears all white. Right now I'm guessing he doesn't feel good wearing anything else. Jon and I are planning something. Something Big!

We are planning a Breakout!

That was... interesting. I liked your idea of a vampire that hates it,and is trying to escape. (hmm... sound familiar? just stay away from names like Edward, Edwin, Jake/Jacob and Belle/Bella and you'll be fine)

The main thing i saw was that you were mainly telling, not showing. Telling uses things like, I am a vampire. Say some things like, My girlfriend is so afraid of me because she always thinks I'll suck her blood away.

You show, not tell.

That was... interesting. I liked your idea of a vampire that hates it,and is trying to escape. (hmm... sound familiar? just stay away from names like Edward, Edwin, Jake/Jacob and Belle/Bella and you'll be fine)

The main thing i saw was that you were mainly telling, not showing. Telling uses things like, I am a vampire. Say some things like, My girlfriend is so afraid of me because she always thinks I'll suck her blood away.

You show, not tell.