Midnight Sensations Chapter I (PART ONE)

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*Edited Version
Midnight Sensations


“We are what, we are. Nothing more, nothing less”

Chapter I

“Ria, your parents tell me you’ve been acting up again.” Selena said in her soothing voice.

“Really,” I said, injecting some surprise into my voice. I lay myself on the couch, which is my favorite because it was the stereotypical psychiatrist’s chair and it was oh, so comfortable.

“Yes, why is that?” She asked, peering down at me through her wire rimmed glasses, that she had told me were fake and were supposed to make her look older, and smarter, not that she needed them anyway. “Why is what?” I asked and turned sideways in the chair to focus on her. She drew in a deep breath,

“Why are you acting up?” She asked, frustration hardening her tone of voice. “What did they say I said?” I asked her innocently.

“Ria, I’m not in the mood for your attitude today, so just give me some stupid reason so that I can tell them something.” She said exasperatedly.

“What’s today?” I asked, avoiding her plea. She sighed, raised her right hand and pressed it on her temple,

“Tuesday,” She said subdued. And I suddenly perked up,

“Um…I have been feeling very, very suffocated by everyone and just want some time to myself.” I spewed up rapidly and picked up the Television remote, switching it to Channel 15 quickly to catch the opening of the programme.

“Yes!” I screamed happily, and startled Selena.

“Gossip Girl, huh,” She said unsurprised, “Why didn’t I think of that?” She questioned herself. “Shhh, it’s starting.” I chastened, and turned around to get my fix of the latest Chuck and Blair drama, and I was not disappointed, not one bit.

“Oh, my God. Did she-” I asked Selena.

“Yes,” She replied.

“Did he-” I asked again.

“Yes.”

“No way,” I said my mouth opened in surprise, “Such a fucking bastard, she just told him that she loved him and he said that….Oh, my God,” I gasped after seeing the big break-up between Chuck and Blair.

“I know. We are both watching it.” She said gruffly, although I could see how it had affected her. We only had meaningful conversations when we watched television shows and music videos, sometimes the radio.

“Okay, that’s it, no more Gossip Girl.” I said and turned off the T.V, my mind still whirling in shock.

“Times up,” She said and pointed to the clock on the wall.

“Oh, I completely lost track of time. Scott is probably pissed off at me, for making him wait.” I said, gave her a hug, and ran out of her office, my orange hoodie in one hand and my phone in the other.

Scott, I’m so sorry. Lost track of time after all that soul searching, ya know.
I am running down to the car park, right now.
Soz, babes.
XXX
:D


I sincerely doubt that Scott would believe all that crap about soul searching.
For a driver. He is quite good at finding out the truth, i think he has ESP

How about this, you actually write the truth down
And I see if I want to forgive you for making me wait
Huh?

Well, at least I gave it a shot,

Gossip Girl, I’m sorry but in my defence, it was Chuck and Blair….
You forgive me right.
:cry:


I texted back and had already reached the car before he replied. “You owe me a bacon sandwich,” He said as I slipped into the car guiltily.

“Whatever,” I murmured as I opened the lunch that Tabitha had made for me, and there was a bacon sandwich, which I could see him eyeballing.

“You planned this didn’t you?” I accused. He pointed to himself, “Me,” He said innocently,

“No way!” And he stretched his hand out for the sandwich. I dropped it in his hands, “I hate you,” I said and turned the radio up to block his reply, which I was expecting.

“And I love you too, honey,” Dammit, the radio doesn’t block out annoying comebacks. I turned to Scott only to see him munching on the sandwich happily and driving at the same time. The radio was blaring out static, which seemed to calm me down and irritate Scott at the same time.

I knew that my house was looming closer and closer as time went by, and I felt sick. I hated my home, I had no reason to, but I just did. My Mother is Anna Campbell, a former actress, who was huge before but ‘left’ acting to take care of me full time, after adopting me from Scandinavia, she had won five Grammy’s, two Oscars, three Golden Globes and an Emmy.

Whilst my dad is still an award winning movie director and producer, who had interned at the making of the titanic, which he still brags about, James Cameron is his idol, and he had an unhealthy obsession with him but lowered the creepiness level when my mum threatened to leave him.

Then after I got extremely hurt on a movie set, they (my parents) found out that I wasn’t even Scandinavian, I was some Afro-Caribbean, child of Chinese descent and I was half French, in some weird way. And no one else noticed that I was of African descent till I was six and my hair started to grow in curls and break hair straighteners because I looked only tanned, not black at all, had blond hair and electric blue eyes! And people wonder why I need a shrink!

I stared at the huge black gate, which was the entrance to my house. I watched Scott type the password that was changed every week, as the gate swung open simultaneously. “We’re home.” I said tightly, ignoring Scott’s concerned look. I opened the door in the car before Niall did, much to his annoyance, “Are my parents home?” I asked. Niall looked at me, handed me two notes, “No,” He answered, and turned away from me and back to his post. I rose my hands up as Dixie and Trixie my Alsatian dogs raced towards me, “You can’t do that, you mongs.” I reprimanded as they licked me, “That’s my favourite t-shirt.” I squealed as Trixie jumped up on me and threw me to the ground. “You spoil those dogs way too much,” Tabitha complained as they bounded up towards her. I ran up to her, and hugged her so hard that I wrinkled her trouser suit.

“I just ironed that.” She said angrily and carried me up into a bear hug. “Honey, it’s only been 13 hours,” She said and broke into laughter. “What? Are you sure?” I said, just a hint of sarcasm in my voice as she lead me into the mansion. "Hey watch it," She warned smiling.

I walked into the front door, with Tabitha, Trixie and Dixie, this was one of the times in my life that I smiled and during thanksgiving, that is what I am most thankful for. My hair had sprung back into an unruly mop again, and I would need super curling irons to straighten it up tomorrow, but I didn't care. I was happy but I keep getting that voice that says not for long

After eating dinner with Tabitha and the dogs, I ran up to my room like the 'antisocial' teenager that I was. And started to read another one of my romance fixes, this time a Harlequin Romance, it was about a countess and her horseman, pretty steamy and all but that wasn't the reason I read them. I read them because although, I do not believe in love, i would love for it to exist, even if it was in books.

Crash What was that?

"Tabitha," I called. But only heard an echo of my voice, I dropped my book suddenly and ran for the emergency phone. "I wouldn't do that if i were you," A low, throaty voice warned.

"Well, you're not me." I retorted sharply and picked the phone up, only for there to be a quick flash and the hook was disengaged. "W...What the hell?" I stuttered. The intruder stood by the shadows, his face hidden by them. "Y'know, i told you not to do that." He said, as he shrugged his shoulders, and lunged for me.

Suddenly the whole world, went black

*****

Aw, man. My head feels like it did when I pillaged five bottles of red wine, from dad's mini-bar.I opened my eyes groggily,"Tabitha," I called. no answerI was about to call again, when the events of the night came flooding back to me. I straightened up and opened my eyes wider. I was in the back of a car, a Lamborghini to be exact. The Orange one that dad's getting me for my sixteenth.

"Um, Hello," I called, and slapped myself mentally. Of course, Ria, when you wake up from what could potentially be a kidnapping, you alert your kidnappers about that fact. God!

"Oh, hey." The car stopped abruptly and the driver turned around to look at me. It was that low, throaty voice that I had heard last night. He had really long hair, brown to be precise, he had sunglasses on so I couldn't see the colour of his eyes, he looked pretty ripped and-Oh, my God....I'm lusting over my way older than me kidnapper, who was not alone. His partner looked quite literally like his partner(girlfriend, wife, hombre, amis-i have rusty french) And she was gorgeous in an older person sort of way of, course. She had long black hair, she was also wearing sunglasses,and she had a...get this- wedding ring.

"You, you knocked me out." I cried angrily.

"You tried to call the police." He shot back.

"You were in my house, without permission, what was I supposed to do. Bake you cookies and get you a glass of cold milk." I said sarcastically.

"Well, I don't see why not." He said, completely childishly.

I turned to his wife and cried, "Why are you kidnapping me?"

"Eh...." She started and turned away.

"What? Are you mute? Deaf? Fucking retarded?" I yelled, my voice getting harsher by the second.

"You really shouldn't do that." He warned and this time, I answered him.

"You're special."

"And you're psycho but you don't see me complaining"

"You're a special breed of human, mixed with supernatural DNA, probably elemental." She started.

"Huh?"

"You should have been found, years ago. I don't know how we managed to miss you," She continued like I hadn't interrupted.

"Warren can you explain it to her, in human terms." She said wearily after seeing my confused frown.

"Kiddo, you're like....Harry Potter." He said.

"I can do magic," I said, happily.

"No, you're just different from normal humans. You have gifts, special gifts that make you unable to inhabit the normal world unless you are trained, in Hogwarts...well not really Hogwarts but it's a place that you can go to get trained.This place is where we are taking you to."

"You see, with people like us, if you are still in the human world at the age of Sixteen, when your powers peak. You will start various calamities-bad stuff. Which will kill those most dear to you, and people that are not so dear to you." He explained, raising his hands off the steering wheel to make weird arm gestures.

"I cannot believe that you watched Harry Potter. How old are you again?" I asked, and saw his wife break into a grin.

"Thirty-One and Harry Potter is an all-ages thing." He said grumpily.

"Right, keep telling yourself that and uh....sell that crap to another kid." I said, my jovial tone gone, "If, you are going to kidnap me, kill me or whatever you are going to do to me. Tell me what it is don't sugarcoat it. P.s I hated, Harry Potter, the love triangles were all wrong."

"We have one last stop," He said, ignoring my reply. As he slowed the car into the driveway and walked in only to return with an unconscious six-seven year old.

I didn't know I was the one who gasped in shock, until they both looked back at me. "You can't do that, he's some body's little boy." I said, tears pooling in my eyes. "He's too young," I kept repeating to myself.

"We always take them young, that way it's hard to remember home and they get better practices over the years. You are the oldest than anyone has ever found." His wife said solemnly.

"You're monsters," I said and they both flinched.

"Shut up, or I swear you'll never make it to Nosferatu,"

"Is that where you are taking us to, Nosferatu? It sounds like a shitty place." I thought out loud....staring at the snoozing kid next to me, Nosferatu? I wonder what that means.
Last edited by AngerManagement on Tue Feb 16, 2010 9:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

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Oh, wow, that was really awsome! I think that it was really cool, but it needs a little more description, and I was kind of confused witha bunch of stuff in the begining, like who is Scott and what is the deal with the physcyatrist lady (I don't think I spelt that right, sorry) Also, who is Tabitha, and the whole part where she was getting kidnapped was weird. She doesn't scream, she talks to him, and she doesn't see him go towards her before he knocks her out even though she's looking right at him? Other than that, good!
Many ask me if I see the glass as half full or half empty. Well, I don't know about you, but I see the glass as, WHO DRANK HALF OF MY MILK?!?!?!




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Scott, is her driver but he's extremely close to her because her parents are never at home. She needs a phyciatrist(I also can't spell it right at times) because her parents think that she is anti-social and that she needs to talk to people more, plus i like the psycho-babble. Tabitha is the maid/temporary mother/best-friend. She doesn't scream because she is too surprised to and the reason she doesn't see him is going to be explain later on in the story.
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

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AngerManagement wrote:Midnight Sensations


“We are what, we are. Nothing more, nothing less”

Chapter I

“Ria, your parents tell me you’ve been acting up again.” Selena said in her soothing voice.should probably start a new paragraph. “Really,” I said, injecting some surprise into my voice. I lay myself on the couch, which of"is" I think instead of "of". my favourite because it was the stereotypical psychiatrist’s chair and it was oh, so comfortable.

“Yes, why is that?” She asked, and peeredI'd change it to just peering. down at me through her wire rimmed glasses, that she had told me were fake and were supposed to make her look older, and smarter, not that she needed them anyway. “Why is what?” I asked and turned sideways in the chair to focus on her. She drew in a deep breath,new paragraph “Why are you acting up?” She asked, frustration hardening her tone of voice.new para. “What did they say I said?” I asked her innocently. “Or did?” I don't understand this part.

“Ria, I’m not in the mood for your attitude today, so just give me some stupid reason so that I can tell them something.” She said exasperatedly.new para. “What’s today’s day?”should probably be date. I asked, avoiding her plea. She sighed, raised her right hand and pressed it on her temple,new para. “Tuesday,” She said subdued. And I suddenly perked up,para “Um…I have been feeling very, very suffocated by everyone and just want some time to myself.” I spewed up rapidly and picked up the Television remote, switching it to Channel 15 quickly to catch the opening of the programme.

“Yes!” I screamed happily, and startled Selena who already after hearing the opening tune knew why I had even answered her. consider revising the sentenceparagraph“Gossip Girl, huh,” She said unsurprised, “Why didn’t I think of that?” She questioned herself.paragraph “Shhh, it’s starting.” I chastened, and turned around to get my fix of the latest Chuck and Blair drama, and I was not disappointed, not one bit.I'm going to stop telling you when you need new paragraphs. Read through the story and you'll figure it out.

“Oh, my God. Did she-” I asked Selena.

“Yes,” She replied.

“Did he-” I asked again.

“Yes.”

“No way,” I said my mouth opened in surprise, “Such a fucking bastard, she just told him that she loved him and he said that….Oh, my God,”not exactly sure what's going on here.

“I know. We are both watching it.” She said gruffly, although I could see how it had affected her. We only had meaningful conversations when we watched television shows and music videos, sometimes the radio. “Okay, that’s it, no more Gossip Girl.” I said and turned off the T.V, my mind still whirling in shock. “Times up,” She said and pointed to the clock on the wall. “Oh, I completely lost track of time. Scott is probably pissed off at me, for making him wait.” I said, gave her a hugcomma and ran out of her office, my orange hoodie in one hand and my phone in the other.
Scott, I’m so sorry. Lost track of time after all that soul searching, ya know.
I am running down to the car park, right now.
Soz, babes.
XXX
:D

I sincerely doubt that Scott would believe all that crap about soul searching,start a new sentence. for a driver. He is quite a good shrink.
How about this, you actually write the truth down
And I see if I want to forgive you for making me wait
Huh?

Well, at least I gave it a shot,
Gossip Girl, I’m sorry but in my defence, it was Chuck and Blair….
You forgive me right.
:cry:

I texted back and had already reached the car before he replied. “You owe me a bacon sandwich,” He said as I slipped into the car guiltily. “Whatever,” I murmured as I opened the lunch that Tabitha had made for me, and there was a bacon sandwich, which I could see him eyeing. “You planned this didn’t you?” I accused. He pointed to himself, “Me,” He said innocently, “No way!” And he stretched his hand out for the sandwich. I dropped it in his hands, “I hate you,” I said and turned the radio up to block his reply, which I was expecting.

“And I love you too, honey,” Dammit, the radio doesn’t block out annoying comebacks. I turned to Scott only to see him munching on the sandwich happily and driving at the same time. The radio was blaring out static, which seemed to calm me down and irritate Scott at the same time. Is he her driver, boyfriend, relative?

I knew that my house was looming closer and closer as time went by, and I felt sick. I hated my home, I had no reason to, but I just did. My Mother is Anna Campbell, a former actress, who was huge before but ‘left’ acting to take care of me full time, after adopting me from Scandinavia, she had won five Grammy’s, two Oscars, three Golden Globes and an Emmy. run-on sentenceWhilst my dad is still an award winning movie director and producer, who had interned at the making of the titanic, which he still brags about, James Cameron is his idol, and he had an unhealthy obsession with him but lowered the creepiness level when my mum threatened to leave him. Then after I got extremely hurt on a movie set, they (my parents) found out that I wasn’t even Scandinavian, I was some Afro-Caribbean, child of Chinese descent and I was half French, in some weird way. And no one else noticed that I was of African descent till I was six and my hair started to grow in curls and break hair straighteners because I looked only tanned, not black at all, had blond hair and electric blue eyes! And people wonder why I need a shrink.revise this paragraph

I stared at the huge black gate, which was the entrance to my house. I watched Scott type the password that was changed every week, as the gate swung open simultaneously. “We’re home.” I said tightly, ignoring Scott’s concerned look. I opened the door in the car before Niall did, much to his annoyance, “Are my parents home?” I asked. Niall looked at me, handed me two notes, “No,” He answered, and turned away from me and back to his post. I rose my hands up as Dixie and Trixie my Alsatian dogs raced towards me, “You can’t do that, you mongs.” I reprimanded as they licked me, “That’s my favourite t-shirt.” I squealed as Trixie jumped up on me and threw me to the ground. “You spoil those dogs way too much,” Tabitha complained as they bounded up towards her. I ran up to her, and hugged her so hard that I wrinkled her trouser suit.

“I just ironed that.” She said angrily and carried me up into a bear hug. “Honey, it’s only been 13 hours,” She said and broke into laughter. “What? Are you sure?” I said, just a hint of sarcasm in my voice as she lead me into the mansion. "Hey watch it," She warned smiling.

I walked into the front door, with Tabitha, Trixie and Dixie, this was one of the times in my life that I smiled and during thanksgiving, that is what I am most thankful for. My hair had sprung back into an unruly mop again, and I would need super curling irons to straighten it up tomorrow, but I didn't care. I was happy but I keep getting that voice that says not for long

After eating dinner with Tabitha and the dogs, I ran up to my room like the 'antisocial' teenager that I was. And started to read another one of my romance fixes, this time a Harlequin Romance, it was about a countess and her horseman, pretty steamy and all but that wasn't the reason I read them. I read them because although, I do not believe in love, i would love for it to exist, even if it was in books.

Crash What was that?

"Tabitha," I called. But only heard an echo of my voice, I dropped my book suddenly and ran for the emergency phone. "I wouldn't do that if i were you," A low, throaty voice warned.

"Well, you're not me." I retorted sharply and picked the phone up, only for there to be a quick flash and the hook was disengaged. "W...What the hell?" I stuttered. The intruder stood by the shadows, his face hidden by them. "Y'know, i [color=#FF0000i]I[/color]told you not to do that." He said, as he shrugged his shoulders, and lunged for me.

Suddenly the whole world, went black.
I'd put a chapter break in here. like ... or something
Aw, man. My head feels like it did when I pillaged five bottles of red wine, from dad's mini-bar.I opened my eyes groggily,"Tabitha," I called. no answerI was about to call again, when the events of the night came flooding back to me. I straightened up and opened my eyes wider. I was in the back of a car, a Lamborghini to be exact. The Orange one that dad's getting me for my sixteenth.

"Um, Hello," I called, and slapped myself mentally. Of course, Ria, when you wake up from what could potentially be a kidnapping, you alert your kidnappers about that fact. God!

"Oh, hey." The car stopped abruptly and the driver turned around to look at me. It was that low, throaty voice that I had heard last night. He had really long hair, brown to be precise, he had sunglasses on so I couldn't see the colour of his eyes, he looked pretty ripped and-Oh, my God....I'm lusting over my way older than me kidnapper, who was not alone. His partner looked quite literally like his partner(girlfriend, wife, hombre, amis-i have rusty french) And she was gorgeous in an older person sort of way of, course. She had long black hair, she was also wearing sunglasses,and she had a...get this- wedding ring.nice description

"You, you knocked me out." I cried angrily.

"You tried to call the police." He shot back.

"You were in my house, without permission, what was I supposed to do. Bake you cookies and get youa glass of cold milk." I said sarcastically.

"Well, I don't see why not." He said, completely childishly.

I turned to his wife and cried, "Why are you kidnapping me?"

"Eh...." She started and turned away.

"What? Are you mute? Deaf? Fucking retarded?" I yelled, my voice getting harsher by the second.

"You really shouldn't do that." He warned and this time, I answered him.

"You're special. You're a special breed of human, mixed with supernatural DNA, probably elemental." She started.that's a little abrupt.

"Huh?"

"You should have been found, years ago. I don't know how we managed to miss you," She continued like I hadn't interrupted. "Warren can you explain it to her, in human terms." She said wearily after seeing my confused frown.

"Kiddo, you're like....Harry Potter." He said.

"I can do magic," I said, happily.

"No, you're just different from normal humans. You have gifts, special gifts that make you unable to inhabit the normal world unless you are trained, in Hogwarts...which is where we are taking you."

"But, the difference is that if you are still in the human world at the age of Sixteen, when your powers peak. You will start various calamities-bad stuff. Which will kill those most dear to you."consider revising He explained, raising his hands off the steering wheel to make weird arm gestures.

"I cannot believe that you watched Harry Potter,end sentence how old are you again?" I asked, and saw his wife break into a grin.

"Thirty-One and Harry Potter is an all-ages thing." He said grumpily.

"Right, keep telling yourself that and uh....sell that crap to another kid." I said, my jovial tone gone, "If, you are going to kidnap me, kill me or whatever you are going to do to me. Tell me what it is don't sugarcoat it. P.s I hated, Harry Potter, the love triangles were all wrong."

"We have one last stop," He said, ignoring my reply. As he slowed the car into the driveway and walked in only to return with an unconscious six-seven year old.

I didn't know I was the one who gasped in shock, until they both looked back at me. "You can't do that, he's some body's little boy." I said, tears pooling in my eyes. "He's too young," I kept repeating to myself.

"We always take them young, that way it's hard to remember home and they get better practices over the years. You are the oldest than anyone has ever found." His wife said solemnly.

"You're monsters," I said and they both flinched.

"Shut up, or I swear you'll never make it to Nosferatu,"

"Is that where you are taking us to, Nosferatu? It sounds like a shitty place." I thought out loud....staring at the snoozing kid next to me, Nosferatu? I wonder what that means.

Interesting. I liked it a lot. There were some run-ons and there needs to be so serious editing done, but it was really good. And nosferatu. Isn't that the ancient name for vampires? Cool. I can't wait to see what you post next.
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Hello Anger! I am here as requested, sorry that this took a little while.

Wow! This was really good, I can see that you thought out your characters a lot which is great. I will disscuss that in more detail later. Firstly some nit-picks:


AngerManagement wrote:
Chapter I

“Ria, your parents tell me you’ve been acting up again.” Selena said in her soothing voice.

“Really,” I said, injecting some surprise into my voice. I lay myself on the couch, which is my favorite because it was the stereotypical psychiatrist’s chair and it was oh, so comfortable.

“Yes, why is that?” She asked, peering down at me through her wire rimmed glasses, that she had told me were fake and were supposed to make her look older, and smarter, not that she needed them anyway. New line “Why is what?” I asked and turned sideways in the chair to focus on her. She drew in a deep breath,

“Why are you acting up?” She asked, frustration hardening her tone of voice. New line “What did they say I said?” I asked her innocently.

“Ria, I’m not in the mood for your attitude today, so just give me some stupid reason so that I can tell them something.” She said exasperatedly.

“What’s today?” I asked, avoiding her plea. She sighed, raised her right hand and pressed it on her temple,

“Tuesday,” She said subdued. And I suddenly perked up,

“Um…I have been feeling very, very suffocated by everyone and just want some time to myself.” I spewed up rapidly and picked up the Television remote, switching it to Channel 15 quickly to catch the opening of the programme.

“Yes!” I screamed happily, and startled Selena.

“Gossip Girl, huh,” She said unsurprised, “Why didn’t I think of that?” She questioned herself. New Line “Shhh, it’s starting.” I chastened, and turned around to get my fix of the latest Chuck and Blair drama, and I was not disappointed, not one bit.

“Oh, my God. Did she-” I asked Selena.

“Yes,” She replied.

“Did he-” I asked again.

“Yes.”

“No way,” I said my mouth opened in surprise, “Such a fucking bastard, she just told him that she loved him and he said that….Oh, my God,” I gasped after seeing the big break-up between Chuck and Blair.

“I know. We are both watching it.” She said gruffly, although I could see how it had affected her. We only had meaningful conversations when we watched television shows and music videos, sometimes the radio.

“Okay, that’s it, no more Gossip Girl.” I said and turned off the T.V, my mind still whirling in shock.

“Times up,” She said and pointed to the clock on the wall.

“Oh, I completely lost track of time. Scott is probably pissed off at me, for making him wait.” I said, gave her a hug, and ran out of her office, my orange hoodie in one hand and my phone in the other.

Scott, I’m so sorry. Lost track of time after all that soul searching, ya know.
I am running down to the car park, right now.
Soz, babes.
XXX
:D


I sincerely doubt that Scott would believe all that crap about soul searching.
For a driver. He is quite good at finding out the truth, I think he has ESP

How about this, you actually write the truth down
And I see if I want to forgive you for making me wait
Huh?

Well, at least I gave it a shot,

Gossip Girl, I’m sorry but in my defence, it was Chuck and Blair….
You forgive me right.
:cry:


I texted back and had already reached the car before he replied. “You owe me a bacon sandwich,” He said as I slipped into the car guiltily.

“Whatever,” I murmured as I opened the lunch that Tabitha had made for me, and there was a bacon sandwich, which I could see him eyeballing.

“You planned this didn’t you?” I accused. He pointed to himself, New Line “Me,” He said innocently,

“No way!” And he stretched his hand out for the sandwich. I dropped it in his hands, “I hate you,” I said and turned the radio up to block his reply, which I was expecting.

“And I love you too, honey,” Dammit, the radio doesn’t block out annoying comebacks. I turned to Scott only to see him munching on the sandwich happily and driving at the same time. The radio was blaring out static, which seemed to calm me down and irritate Scott at the same time.

I knew that my house was looming closer and closer as time went by, and I felt sick. I hated my home, I had no reason to, but I just did. My Mother is Anna Campbell, a former actress, who was huge before but ‘left’ acting to take care of me full time, after adopting me from Scandinavia, she had won five Grammy’s, two Oscars, three Golden Globes and an Emmy.

Whilst my dad is still an award winning movie director and producer, who had interned at the making of the titanic, which he still brags about, James Cameron is his idol, and he had an unhealthy obsession with him but lowered the creepiness level when my mum threatened to leave him.

Then after I got extremely hurt on a movie set, they (my parents) found out that I wasn’t even Scandinavian, I was some Afro-Caribbean, child of Chinese descent and I was half French, in some weird way. And no one else noticed that I was of African descent till I was six and my hair started to grow in curls and break hair straighteners because I looked only tanned, not black at all, had blond hair and electric blue eyes! And people wonder why I need a shrink!
All the above in Bold is a major info dump that isn't really needed. You can cut some of this.

I stared at the huge black gate, which was the entrance to my house. I watched Scott type the password that was changed every week, as the gate swung open simultaneously. “We’re home.” I said tightly, ignoring Scott’s concerned look. I opened the door in the car before Niall did, much to his annoyance, “Are my parents home?” I asked. Niall looked at me, handed me two notes, New Line “No,” He answered, and turned away from me and back to his post. I rose my hands up as Dixie and Trixie my Alsatian dogs raced towards me, New Line“You can’t do that, you mongs.” I reprimanded as they licked me, “That’s my favourite t-shirt.” I squealed as Trixie jumped up on me and threw me to the ground. New Line“You spoil those dogs way too much,” Tabitha complained as they bounded up towards her. I ran up to her, and hugged her so hard that I wrinkled her trouser suit.

“I just ironed that.” She said angrily and carried me up into a bear hug. “Honey, it’s only been 13 hours,” She said and broke into laughter. New Line“What? Are you sure?” I said, just a hint of sarcasm in my voice as she lead me into the mansion. New line"Hey watch it," She warned smiling.

I walked into the front door, with Tabitha, Trixie and Dixie, this was one of the times in my life that I smiled and during thanksgiving, that is what I am most thankful for. My hair had sprung back into an unruly mop again, and I would need super curling irons to straighten it up tomorrow, but I didn't care. I was happy but I keep getting that voice that says not for long

After eating dinner with Tabitha and the dogs, I ran up to my room like the 'antisocial' teenager that I was. And started to read another one of my romance fixes, this time a Harlequin Romance, it was about a countess and her horseman, pretty steamy and all but that wasn't the reason I read them. I read them because although, I do not believe in love, I would love for it to exist, even if it was in books.

Crash What was that? In my opinion this didn't work. You should edit it a bit, it just felt like the character didn't really care.

"Tabitha," I called. But only heard an echo of my voice, I dropped my book suddenly and ran for the emergency phone. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," A low, throaty voice warned.

"Well, you're not me." I retorted sharply and picked the phone up, only for there to be a quick flash and the hook was disengaged. "W...What the hell?" I stuttered. The intruder stood by the shadows, his face hidden by them. "Y'know, I told you not to do that." He said, as he shrugged his shoulders, and lunged for me.

Suddenly the whole world, went black

*****

Aw, man. My head feels like it did when I pillaged five bottles of red wine, from dad's mini-bar.I opened my eyes groggily,"Tabitha," I called. no answerI was about to call again, when the events of the night came flooding back to me. I straightened up and opened my eyes wider. I was in the back of a car, a Lamborghini to be exact. The Orange one that dad's getting me for my sixteenth.

"Um, Hello," I called, and slapped myself mentally. Of course, Ria, when you wake up from what could potentially be a kidnapping, you alert your kidnappers about that fact. God!

"Oh, hey." The car stopped abruptly and the driver turned around to look at me. It was that low, throaty voice that I had heard last night. He had really long hair, brown to be precise, he had sunglasses on so I couldn't see the colour of his eyes, he looked pretty ripped and-Oh, my God....I'm lusting over my way older than me kidnapper, who was not alone. His partner looked quite literally like his partner(girlfriend, wife, hombre, amis-I have rusty french) And she was gorgeous in an older person sort of way of, course. She had long black hair, she was also wearing sunglasses,and she had a...get this- wedding ring.

"You, you knocked me out," I cried angrily.

"You tried to call the police." He shot back.

"You were in my house, without permission, what was I supposed to do. Bake you cookies and get you a glass of cold milk." I said sarcastically.




That was everything that I picked up, just watch that when you have a new person speaking that you put it onto a new line. Don't be afraid to space it out a bit :D

Characters

I thought that your MC was very realistic so well done on that front. I didn't quite understand who Scott was, was he her boyfriend? Driver?
I also am confused about who Tabitha is, is she her sister? You may want to make that a little clearer.
Overall though I thought that your characters worked really well, particularly your MC.

Plot

Very nicely done, it is going to be a really great idea. You left a good cliffhanger which made me want to read on which is really great. The only weak part I picked up on was your description of the crash downstairs, that has potential to be a really nice descriptive part of the chapter and you hardly did it justice with just one line.
Be careful that this doesn't become too much like HP because it will if you are not careful. By the way I thought that your reference to HP worked well, I don't ususally approve of that but it worked in this so well done.


Overall a very nice first chapter, it needs a little work on the grammer front but you will improve on that with time. Well Done!

PM me when you post chapter two!

Hope I helped,
Keep Writing
~Lydia
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?



No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne