chap. 1 part 1 of (name pending)

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ok, hey, it took me forever to work up the courage to post this, it is the actual story to my prologue BIGGER MEANINGS. i am really nervous but it needs critique, sorry about some mistakes concerning the italics, they wont show up for some reason! it actually is in smaller paragraphs but it looks wierd on this site . . . part 1 of chap. 1 ---

Chapter one
Queen bee
Have you ever stepped on a bee and had its stinger punch through your foot like it was a jelly doughnut being filled? That was my high school, you step on the queen bee only to have her evil minions storm you. Ouch.
“So, Jensey Jones, bottom of the pecking order, how does it feel?” jasmine, the ‘queen bee’ of my life.
Her plump body squirmed with satisfaction as my dark blue eyes trailed to her.
Her little worker bee’s swarmed around, buzzing giddily as she took her malice out on another being.
“How does it feel? Why don’t you answer that jazzy” my voice shot like a whip across the distance of the tabletop. Once upon a time, we used to be friends, but something had cleaved our friendship, she had gotten a taste of power and liked it, like a shark and blood.
Despite my greatest efforts, I blushed at her next words.
“Look at what you’re wearing.”
I would kill her. Murder. How could I have been her friend?
I was wearing old, faded out blue jeans and a heavy sweatshirt over my tank top, far from her fashionable skinny jeans and neon shirt.
My voice was quiet and slightly hesitant as I asked “how was remedial math last night jazzy?” her dark face lit with renewed anger and malevolence, sending a shiver down my spine, she was a quick thinker.
I pushed my tray away and cut off her next words “see you in chemistry.”
I didn’t want to get on her bad side.
I hadn’t wanted our friendship to end badly as it had.
But I had, and it did, so off to chemistry.

My feet struck out on the cement drive, flashy black converse high tops clicking slightly as I walked head down, arms crossed, to my bike. Yes, a bicycle, no fancy sports car for me.

I go to, at this minute, Harper’s school for the gifted. Doomed more like it. I hadn’t meant to set my last school on fire, truly I hadn’t. I don’t even know precisely how it had happened, just boom, up went a wall of fire.
Bedside’s setting my last school on fire, I had a clean record, oh wait, no I didn’t. School before last had mysteriously flooded, and the time before that it was blown up, yes blown up. Don’t worry, nobody got hurt, besides poor little permanent record.
Sigh.
I slung my scruffy looking bag over the handlebars.
The only reason I was in this school at all and not juvie was because of my aunt’s seemingly endless supply of strings to pull and friends to call. Not my perfect attitude.
No I wouldn’t see jasmine in chemistry, I was out of here.
Then the nagging little voice in my head spat “coward.” I stopped, halfway on and halfway off my bike. “Are you going to let that brat beat you?” I clenched my hands on the handle; sometimes I believe I am truthfully insane. “Get back inside and face her down like an adult! You’re smarter then her!”
I turned and walked, reluctantly, back indoors, why did my conscience have to be so persuading? I closed the door just as a clap of thunder sounded behind me.

A storm raged outside. The sky was as black as pitch, the deep, hungry growl of thunder grinding against everyone’s nerves.
When had that rolled in?
Each strike of lightning, each hiss and sputter of the lights, made me wince.
The storm had brought a heavy headache, pounding in time with my heart, thud thud. . Thud thud.
My cheek lay on the cool desk as everyone squeaked and squealed at the angry storm.

The electricity was out, so no overhead, no overhead, no lesson.
Thank goodness because my head felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out.
I had my dark sapphire blue eyes crushed shut when an abnormally large roar of thunder crashed down on my poor abused head with all the force of a charging bull.
I gave a ragged breath and turned my head to look out the windows at the furious squall. Thick black clouds lay like heavy hands over the valley, blocking out the sun. a jagged line of lightning raced across the dark heavens, illuminating the classroom in harsh, white light, followed by a fierce snarl of thunder, like two animals fighting.
The teacher cleared his throat, voice thick and nasally under a strong beard barely hiding his weak chin.
“Class, I just got a call from attendance saying we are officially in a tornado warning.” I looked up “tornado? We’re in Idaho” he shot me a scathing look “yes Miss. Jones, we are in Idaho, not some perfect place immune to mother nature’s wrath.” I glared at his shoes while frantic teens pulled out cell-phones and tried in vain to text or get signals, I didn’t have such a cell, and my aunt would tell me to buck up and stop being a child if I called her.
I stood, slowly, head protesting weakly as I walked to the back of the un-orderly line, right behind jasmine.
She tossed her black, board straight hair into my face with a contemptuous sneer, a angry queen bee isn’t a good person to be around.
“Hey Jensey.” Her voice, ironically, was like melted honey.
“Hello jazzy.” I was not in the mood for her games. Another clash of wills would surely leave me and my pounding head in the dust like a bad puppy arguing with her elders.
But I’m no bad puppy, nor was I going to let her squash me under her boot-heel!
“look, jasmine, I am not in the mood for you little games, I will not play along anymore, just leave me alone for once” she blinked several times, mouth opening and closing like a grounded fish. I felt her little worker bee’s eyes on me as I moved ahead of her in line. I was no longer the underdog; we were on even footing now, ready for a show down, a final battle. I am dead meat.
Mr. Gomez, our squat, toad of a teacher led us on, out into the dusky corridors of our age-old school.

My school, Harper Academy, was what you would most likely assume Hogwarts to look like. Yes, it was a boarding school, a horrible, terrible, inconceivably clichéd place.
Long, thick glass panes lined the halls, allowing us to view the fuming storm, the heart-dropping view of the long oval of clouds forming the deadly force of a tornado.
A dark speck, like a bird tossed into the storm, flashed across the face of the already formed head.
“What the heck?” I asked softly, walking closer to the windows.
It had been so brief I thought maybe I had imagined it, but. . .
There! There it was again! Flicking in and out of the wild winds, was that a bird?
A high pitched, moaning keen sounded, so low it was almost inaudible.
My eyes narrowed.
Placing a palm on the window, I felt it vibrate gently underneath my hand.
Kareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!
A creak, almost like the window was being pressed, a thin hairline crack and-
“Jensey! Get away.” A last view of that shape flitting and a resounding crack as the window burst in.
Talons tore into my hoodie, one on my shoulder, the other clutching my hood, I was flung back with the force of the things arrival.
The world dropped out from under me.
I was in the air, thick, heavy talons hooked precariously in my hood and sleeve.
My neck craned as I saw the massive beast above me.
Double sets of leathery wings, large, bulbous yellow eyes and the sickly tinge of green that was its skin, I yelled.
Wailed was more like it.
I struggled, glimpsing the horrified face of jasmine before the thin cloth of my clothes ripped free with the sound of tearing fabric and my stomach was left with the thing above as I plummeted to inevitable death.

“Jensey!”
Last edited by Wolfdaemon on Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes...and trembles.James 2:19
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I really like your story, the ending was INSANELY unpredicted by me (I live in Idaho, but nothing this excited ever seems to happen, darn it...haha). I only have a few things I want to pick on you a little bit about... :)

"I hadn’t meant to set my last school on fire, truly I hadn’t. I don’t even know precisely how it had happened, just boom, up went a wall of fire."


I would personally change it to "up went a wall of flames" or something like that, just so you aren't saying fire twice.


But I had, and it did, so off to chemistry.


I would just change the grammar parts of this one maybe. "But it had, and it did...so, off to chemistry." But again, that's just my opinion.


The electricity was out, so no overhead, no overhead, no lesson.


Just wondering why "no overhead" is repeated?...

Still, like I said, cool story. Crossing my fingers that something this exciting happens here in Idaho!
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Oh. My. Gosh. You were scared to post this! It's amazing! I loved it!
Few nit picks:
jasmine, the ‘queen bee’ of my life.

Why is her name never capitalised? Sorry, but this was bugging me throughout the whole story.

sending a shiver down my spine, she was a quick thinker

A bit clumsy, why not: Sending a shiver down my spine; she was a quick thinker.

Bedside’s setting my last school on fire, I had a clean record, oh wait, no I didn’t.

Ok, first of all, you wrote Bedsides, instead of besides and maybe a full stop after record would be more effective.

I turned and walked, reluctantly, bad indoors, why did my conscience have to be so persuading?

first of all, bad indoors? And maybe, again a full stop after indoors.

look, jasmine, I am not in the mood for you little games, I will not play along anymore, just leave me alone for once” she blinked several times

look with capital letter and new paragraph for "she blinked"

Apart from those, I thought it was totally awesome! I was hooked right away. keep writing!




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lol, thanks, i didnt even notice those typos! thanks i will fix them, this chapter is my shortest, i am still revising the second half :)
thanks!
wolf

ps: bad indoors is supposed to be back ;)
You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes...and trembles.James 2:19
http://dragcave.net/user/Roma-Gypsy
^ you should so click this.... :)




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I'm noticing a pattern of awesomeness as i read your work. XD i think your an amazing writer! This is exactly the type of story i enjoy reading, but i do have a few things i would change.
First, if the mc and Jasmine are enemies, the mc wouldn't really be calling jasmine "Jazzy" all the time, because that's more something friends do... well, at least in my opinion.
Another thing, with the overhead line. I understand what you were trying to say, and i know why you repeated the line "no overhead", but try putting a period or semicolon there to make it easier for other people to get it. =)
The last thing is, in a couple of places you need to have periods rather than commas. It would make the whole thing flow better. Reading it out loud always helps me determine best where to put a comma or a period. :p
Other than that, this was really really good. I can't wait to read what's next! This is one of the better "chapters" of any book i've read in a long time, no joke.
keep writing!
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On




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;) thanks! okay, i have a dilemma actually. i changed Jensen's age to 16-17 to make the range of readers higher, and this makes her seem younger, so i am contemplating changing it around a bit ;) i'll let you know ;) anyway, great thing you commented on this because i was just working on a different beggining and WHAM i noticed "this isnt TOO terrible, its a fix-er-upper but, hey, it might have potential" so i am off to the drawing board lol.
You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes...and trembles.James 2:19
http://dragcave.net/user/Roma-Gypsy
^ you should so click this.... :)



If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry.
— Emily Dickinson