My Friend

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 880
Reviews 16
I rated it +12 because I wasn't sure if you consider "crap" a bad word or not. :lol:

Some day’s when I was alone; you could find me tucked away in my sanctuary, the moldy tree house that crashed down in the green belt. Out past the broken fence the blocked my access the natural, city-owned landscape, out with my small toy piano, composing a song for my friend, the thing that lived back there. Normally on day's like those the sky would be crying on the New York. But out in the more northern part it was more peaceful. I know most of you are thinking wolfs don't live in New York. New York is a place for the business men, and the people hoping to get big on Wall Street.

But eight year old eyes see the world in a way most adults had already out grown. Near the wooden toy set my parents had bought me when I was young I would lay down a red tarp, pour my carton of apple juice in a plastic yellow bucket and place a box of Oreo’s on the ground and wait in my yellow soggy sun dress for it to come out of its hiding place and join me to eat. Most the time, it never showed up. So instead I would be forced to dine alone.

When I was five I would stand at the edge of the green belt and wonder if I could join my friend. I didn't know what they were of course, but I saw it and I wanted to come. It felt to me like a club. But, I didn't know the rules or the standards I had to reach before I could become a member.

When I fell asleep at night under the plastic glow-in-the-dark sticky stars, I could my friend them calling out to me, and if I was lucky enough to be alone that night I would call back out to it... Imagine that a five year old screaming out the window in the middle of the night. It scared the crap out of the neighbor’s.

On the day's when I practiced my piano near the open window you could here it’s soft, enchanting voice, singing to the melody I played for it.

When I was three I was just beginning to make sense of the words I could use. I would spin wild tales to my father about the calls at night. He would listen, but turned the radio up louder, the silly imaginings of a child.

When I was two, I was just beginning to walk on two legs instead of crawling around like a dog. I got lost in the forest then. The smell of decaying leaves and of freshly watered plants pulled me in; my mom was weeding the garden and was on speaker phone with a high school friend. I turned to look back at her, debating, but instead walked straight ahead. I didn’t care where I went. I just wanted to peak in. To see what it was like on the other side.

I could hear the whispers of running water.

I tripped…

They found me soaking wet on the back porch the next morning. Mom had already called the police. I was already listed as a missing person. And a search party was already out searching for me. Young couples go over board.
They never actually found what laid me there.

The tracks were covered by a fresh blanket of snow; it shouldn’t snow in late summer...

I still wish I could find them but it late; this is all I need before I go to sleep; a nice bed time story to keep my tired mind puzzling. I wish my friend would call me again.

But adult minds have already out grown them.
Blowing out the candles on my thirteenth birthday was like making a death wish.
Cutting the cake on my eighteenth was the final sentence.
Eating the cake on my fourteenth, I was headed to the gallows.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6280
Reviews 135
I found this story interesting. It made you think. My favorite part was the last three lines. They were very powerful. You could definitely create this to be a longer story. Great job. In my opinion, it seemed that some phrases were not included in the story so maybe go back and reread.This was captivating! :D
Got YWS?
"No one can arrive from being talented alone,work transform talent into genius" - Anna Pavlova




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 18529
Reviews 176
Hey! First off, this was a very well-written piece.

I have a few nitpicks however.

1) Plural words do not need an apostrophe (')
Some day’s when I was alone

Just take the apostrophe out.


2) Semi colons (;). They are very tricky. Its better to just throw em out altogether. Just one rule of thumb: Each side of the semi-colon should be a full sentence. For example:
Some day’s when I was alone; you could find me tucked away in my sanctuary

"Some days when I was alone" is not a full sentence. You should just use a comma (,) instead.

3)
crying on the New York.

You don't need the "the" in there, it makes it sound funky.

4) Beware of run-on sentences, such as this one:
Near the wooden toy set my parents had bought me when I was young I would lay down a red tarp, pour my carton of apple juice in a plastic yellow bucket and place a box of Oreo’s on the ground and wait in my yellow soggy sun dress for it to come out of its hiding place and join me to eat.


5) For the most part, this was very formal. But then, suddenly, the formality is dropped. Here:
Imagine that a five year old screaming out the window in the middle of the night. It scared the crap out of the neighbor’s.
I dunno, I'm just not the biggest fan of this area.

6) A lot of your sentences just do not make much sense to me. I'm awfully confused. What the heck is goin' on?

Your plot, overall, is shaky. Mostly because I have no idea what the heck is going down. Are there like little fairies? I'm confused.

Overall, your grammar and word choice need work. As well as your verb tense. Remember the rule about plurals too (no apostrophes!) and almost all of your semi-colons are used incorrectly.

Hope I helped!
Cheers,
-Lena
stay gold, ponyboy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5732
Reviews 24
It's good writing, I like it. And also in reply to what Lena said I thought the 'semi colon rule' was it could be used where either a comma or full stop would fit, but I agree they should be thrown out altogether :D .
I'm also confused about the story's structure. I think maybe instead of going backwards with the memories you should go forward. E.g. instead of starting at 3 years old go straight to 2 years old and THEN go to three, because this was where I was confused. It's kind of all over the place for me, so it's very hard to understand what the plot is. I don't even know what's going on! And what's that bit about wolves? Is her friend a wolf? Overall it is AWESOME hope it's not a short story I'd like to read more.

Bek




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 28467
Reviews 675
You have a story here, Night, filled with emotion but as Lena pointed out wonderfully, there is a lot of work that needs to be done as far as the technical aspects go.
I won’t go all out in pointing out everything that I saw but many errors could have been caught easily by re-reading and running a spell check on this.

One of the most distracting things about this story is the order of things.

Take for instance:

Blowing out the candles on my thirteenth birthday was like making a death wish.
Cutting the cake on my eighteenth was the final sentence.
Eating the cake on my fourteenth, I was headed to the gallows.


13
18
14

Where is you’re order going with this? Going 13, 14, 18 would have been much more effective.

All of it would have been better off being written in chronological order which would mean some rearranging throughout the whole story.


Lastly, I should just mention that I’m not entirely sure whether you plan to take this further or not but I don’t see much destination for this. Figure out where you want to take your story, as basic as setting your point A and point B. Then you get to fill in the spaces between. You’re young but as you get older, you’ll learn more and your writing will improve.

If you need some help, I would be happy to give out some extra advice! Just send me a PM.

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.



NO U
— Carina