the tale of the damned

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shadows fall,darkness rises.
the ancients rule,the tide is higher
the darkness grows,into life.
a shadowy thing,filled with strife.

begging Lucifer,to spare him.
but will not happen,for Lucifer never shows mercy to mortals.
until a strong force comes,to redeem thyself of there sins.
his name is lord lichman,and he is the warrior of Albakhan

he was sworn on his life not to sin on his fateful mission,but was forced too.
he broke a promise too his love, his father and too those who called him "friend".
so lichman makes his decent into the circles of hell and fights through limbo,lust,glutton,arvari,wrath,dis,heresy,violence,fraud,and treachery.

lichman fought his way to the last circle,where him and Lucifer,the ruler of the inferno,had there final battle.
lichman was nearly defeated,but did not give up.
he found strength in his weakness,and weakness in his strength.

and through his power. he defeated the ruler of the inferno,and redeemed his damned soul,and was brought,to the light above.
Miles Shellshear




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I will review :) Don't take anything bad.. Just go along carefully next time. This is all in good spirits <3!

:smt024 Fixed here! Here's my attempt at making your poem better...

1) spaces! go through your piece before you post and make sure all of it is grammatically correct, all of your conjunctions and stanzas make sense. Just review.

2)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:shadows fall, darkness rises.
the ancients rule, the tide is higher
the darkness grows, into life.
a shadowy thing, filled with strife.


Make the highlighted commas semi-colons. It will go better.
Take away the first period.

3)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:begging Lucifer, to spare him. ,


This should not be there. Take out the comma. Switch the period to a comma.

4)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:butthat will not happen, for Luciferhe never shows no mercy to mortals.


the comma in the red needs to be a semi-colon.

5)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:until a strong force comes,to redeem thyself of there sins.


Capitalize the "u"... take out the comma, "there" needs to be their.

6)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:his name is lord lichman,and he is the warrior of Albakhan


Well... you had been in past tense... so it would make sense to have it "He WAS Lord Lichman, Warrior of Albakhan" (something tells me this is video game stuff ;) )

7)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:he was sworn swore on his life not to sin on his fateful this mission, [line break]
but was forced too.


Okay, a pet peeve: use the right form of "too". this one is "to," not "too" or "two" :)
I switched the words around, you don't need the 'fateful'

8)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:he broke a promise too his love, his father and too those who called him "friend".,


Ach! Too much toos! :) kidding
continue this on to the next line, don't just end the point there (add in a comma!)

9)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:so lichman He makes made his decent [line break]
into the circles of hell and , fights fought through limbo, lust, glutton, arvari, wrath, dis, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery.


Okay... the first part was grammar. The major part I had highlighted needs to be looked upon longer. First of all, I have no idea what half of those are. You want your poems to be juuuust right, reader-friendly. So, give more details. Say, "all of which were ___ and ___ to trudge through" or something like that. DETAILS! :)

10)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:lichman fought his way to the last circle, [line break] where him and Lucifer,[line break]
the ruler of the inferno,[line break]
had there their final battle.


Make this it's own stanza.

11)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:lichman was nearly defeated, but did not give up.
he found strength in his weakness, [line break]
and weakness in his strength.


Child.. Capitalize your proper nouns! ;) I loves the weakness=strength strength=weakness thing.

12)
MotleyCrueBEAST wrote:and Through his power. he defeated the ruler of the inferno, [line break]
and redeemed his damned soul, [line break]
and was brought, to the light above.


I hope this makes sense by itself. Seems pretty self-explanatory to me. [line break]

13) Just work on spaces after commas and other grammatical errors (common spelling errors)... You're on the right track! I loved how it told a story, I have yet to make a poem like that myself.

Okay. Thanks for sharing, I want to see more poems like this! ;) Work on reviewing your piece after you finish, nitpicking yourself so I don't have to do it for you. A lot of times, reading it out loud would help, too.

Good job, all in all!

Love,
Fixed
:smt027
The hardest mountain to climb will have the greatest view. Everything at a different angle: memories serve as double vision, a view from the valleys as well as the precipice. But everything that goes up must come down.The descent from the peak will be twice as graceful & three times as difficult



No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne