Icefire - part 3

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All right, part three! I'm not that happy about the way Lynn enters the castle walls; any specific thoughts on that part will be much appreciated! Thanks for reviewing! :D

*Rated 12 for some violence

Icefire, part three

“Ow! Watch where you’re going!” a portly man snapped at the slim figure who had slammed into him.

The person didn’t respond. The man peered closer and saw that it was a woman—or perhaps a girl, for she seemed to be on the younger side. He couldn’t see much of her face, for it was hidden in the hood of the dark red cloak she had on, but it seemed to be tough. Very tough. The man suddenly felt uneasy and he turned and bustled away, muttering under his breath.

The girl watched him go with a small smile on her face, and then turned and wended her way through the crowd, ignoring the indignant looks she received whenever she bumped into someone. She stopped by a dark, deserted alleyway, made sure no one was looking, and then slipped into the shadows, blending in until she disappeared. The girl crouched down with her back to the wall and waited.

~~~~~


As the last golden rays of the sun hid themselves from view, Lynn left the inn. Very few people were out, and they took little notice of the dark-clad figure making his way to the bailey walls. Lynn moved cautiously, eyes darting right and left. Once, he thought he saw someone following him, but when he looked again there was nothing but darkness.

Lynn reached the walls and stayed in the shadows, waiting until he knew for sure that the guard who was pacing around the perimeter wouldn’t be coming back around his way. Lynn pulled out two icicles from his pack and stabbed one into a chink in the stone wall. It stuck fast, and he stuck the second icicle in a crack slightly above the first one. He kept on with the pattern, pulling himself up by sheer arm strength until he reached the top of the wall. He slipped over and leapt lightly to the ground.

The guards by the keep door had apparently seen something, for one of them headed over. Lynn hid behind a nearby structure while the guard looked around the wall area. Lynn waited until the guard was leaning over, looking at the ground for footprints, then picked up a small rock and threw it at the man. It hit him in the head, and the guard fell with a thump.

The other guard hurried over at the sound, and when his back was to Lynn, the boy dashed to the door, opened it softly and slipped inside. Once there, he dashed lightly through the passageway, then slowed as he reached the flight of stairs. He cocked an ear and, satisfied that there was no one, made his way gradually up the steps. His left hand rested on the dagger on his belt, and he could hear his heart thumping loudly as he neared the treasure room. At the turn right before the door, he paused and listened again. The sound of even breathing told him that the guard was still there. Lynn frowned, wondering whether to take the risk of assuming the guard was asleep or not. He took a deep breath and spun around the corner.

There was a startled move from the guard, who did happen to be awake, but he was quickly silenced by a smack to the head with the pommel of the dagger that Lynn had drawn. Lynn bent over the unconscious man and retrieved the keys from the belt, then opened the door and entered.

A single torch lit the room, and Lynn stared in awe at the masses of treasure around him. Jewels of all colors, shapes, and sizes adorned the room. In the very center was a lone stone pedestal with a violet satin pillow upon which lay a large green jewel. Lynn neared it and then for the first time realized that he didn’t know just what the Gem looked like.

Stupid! He reprimanded himself viciously. Why didn’t you think of asking Vergal? He was disgusted with himself for overlooking such an important detail. Although, of course, Vergal hadn’t told him what it was like, either, so the fault lay with both of them. But Lynn knew his teacher wouldn’t see it that way.

Lynn let out a sharp hiss of anger and then grabbed the green jewel. He turned around and came face-to-face with another guard, who let out a loud yell just before Lynn punched him in the gut, making the guard double over.

The boy didn’t hesitate. He pocketed the jewel and pulled out an icicle as he made his way down the stairs. The sound of several heavy feet approaching made him stop; he knew that there would be too many for him to handle. He whirled around, leaped over the two fallen guards, and sprinted down the hall. He opened the first door he came to and shut himself inside, locking it as he did so. He turned and found himself in a room with a courtier, who was sitting up in bed and saying blearily, “Here, here, what’s going on, lad?”

Lynn, ignoring the man, dashed to the window and perched on the ledge, calculating the distance below. The bailey was mainly clear of guards; there was only one by the corner, and Lynn figured he could easily take him out. That was if he survived the jump.

But there was no choice; the courtier was out of bed and reaching for a nearby fire poker while yelling in a rather high-pitched voice, “I'll have you know, I'm a trained man-at-arms, I am, and what's more--”

Lynn didn’t even bother to cast the man a disdainful glance; he just took a deep breath and jumped.
Last edited by Ranger Hawk on Tue Nov 30, 2010 4:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Less and less for me to say every new installment!

Very few people were out, and they took little notice of the dark-clad figure making his way to the bailey walls.

So this was a very great scene. It drew me in, so good job starting with this.

This chapter was a bit... boring. Except for that one part, nothing much happened for me.

I don't get what you're saying about him entering the building. I found nothing wrong with it, though I will leave my comments about it.
- Him climbing up the wall with icicles was a bit lame. I mean, how didn't they break? How did they pierce the wall?
- When he attacked the guards and took the keys, all I could think was cliche, cliche, cliche. But, cliche is a bad thing, and I wouldn't do it differently than you did. I mean, like I say, "A cliche is a cliche for a reason."

The part at the end confused me. I don't really know what's going on. So there was a man in the bed and he challenged Lynn to a fight? I don't think that's right... I'm confused.

And what happened to the girl? I already lover her character, it's so cool! A cool, bad, and awesome female character is always a turn-on for me.

It's a really cool story. I am enjoying reading it. PM me when you post the next part!

Classy




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Hey there RH!

So I've just finished reading chapter 2 and went straight for the third. Good idea that was!

Like Classy, I already like the girl, although we really don't know anything about her. :lol:

I didn't see any grammar mistakes, so yay! On the other hand, to comment on what Classy said about the icicles used to climb, well it's a fantasy world, so you can just make it that they're like rock solid, undestructable, or something of the sort. Otherwise, it does seem impossible for him to climb with those.

That was all I wanted to say, so PM me for the next chapter, I really want to see what happens next! :D
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




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Now comes the fun part.

All-in-all, I think you've done an excellent job portraying your characters. I really like the way you make them similar but still different, because they are the same people. That makes things much more interesting. Good work!

There is one thing that bothers me, and that is that it seems as though you tell us what happens and what he thinks more than show it. For example, when Lynn is running down the passageway you should describe the things happening to him. Not too much or it will overload a person, but maybe mention that his breath is a little harsh, or maybe if he's good at enduring, his lack of harsh breath that a normal person would have. What is he seeing in the passage? Most castles have some kind of paintings or portraits lining the walls. Maybe he ignores them. Maybe he glances at them, but doesn't have the time to investigate further. Place us as the readers in the shoes of your character so we're seeing what he does and feelign what he feels up to sharing a heartbeat with your character. It will bring more life into your character and make your readers want to go further simply because they have become your character.

Continue! Sil vous plait!
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'Eavesdropping, sir? I don't follow you, begging your pardon. There ain't no eaves at Bag End and that's a fact!'"

- Sam Gamgee and Gandalf the Grey. The Fellowship of the Ring, Pg. 70.




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Hey there Ranger Hawk!

As far as the climbing up the wall part. I read the icicle thing and thought, "Are you kidding me?" I think it's a good idea but do you realise the body strength he needs to do this? COuldn't you at least give us a little about him while he's going up? Like maybe, briefly, you could explain that his teacher used to make his do this kind of thing to practice and he never thought it would come in handy, you know? I think that right now, things are convenient for the boy, although it's not a bad thing.

Like Classy said, I'm not sure I would do it differently, but he conveniently finds a rock ot throw at the guard. Personally, I wouldn't have done that because it might sound the alarm that there's someone there.

Anyway, this wasn't a dissing of a chapter, I swear! :D I really enjoyed it, you have a great flow and I can't wait to learn more about both Lynn and the girl. I'm off to the next chapter!! :D

Tanya




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Thank you all for your reviews! Much appreciated! I'm going to take everything you guys suggested and fix it up. :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Review part three!

He... he... he...
This is the first time I've seen it pop up, but it's good to break this habit early. First, point one, is that repeating your characters name when it's unneccesary is tiresome. It's like repeating any other word over and over. Once you've said his name once, you can use the word he, until someone else's actions interupt. Like 'said' and 'the,' he is a neat little word that is so commonly used it just blends into the background.
That is, until my second point.
Using words at the beginning of a sentence or clause is like sticking a big red light above them. It makes them stand out. Words that once blended into the background do so no more, 'he' for example. Towards the end of this chapter you've used that word a lot at the beginning of your sentences.
The easiest way to avoid doing it is to combine sentences or to play around with different sentence structures. That will keep the text interesting and still keep the little words hidden in the background.

Who's where now?
The beginning of this chapter didn't make much sense. I can't realy work out who in that first part is an important character, who is just a bystander, or who I may or may not have met before. I think you've made it a little too mysterious, your reader needs at least some solid character or frame to hold on to.
And Lynn is coming out of an inn? At the end of last chapter he was hidden outside the castle waiting for nightfall, but now he's at an inn. Did he go there while he was waiting, or did he already do what he was waiting to do and went back there afterwards?

Overall
Still looking good :)

On to part four.
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