Prologue: Keylee

Thomas tramped noisily through the streets. His small, two year old son trotted after him, three of his strides matching one of Thomas’s, His straight, chestnut hair sprinkled with snow. It was Christmas Eve and though the village dwellings were decked in lights and holly, an air of foreboding resounded deeply through the square. It was deserted; the wind was sharp and most men had long since gone home to their families and warm fires. Thomas stopped in the centre of the square. He looked around. There was no light, anywhere. All candles had been extinguished, save for the twinkling array of festive lanterns, hanging on any available space. Thomas grunted. All the better. The snow began to whirl faster around the square, as if in a mad dance, doomed because their glory was insignificant, their end inevitable. The chill wind bit into his cheeks fiercely and his son shivered and huddled up to him. The cold stars winked at each other, from above. Something is about to happen, they seemed to be saying, and who could defy the stars, who had been the faithful sentinels of the village for as long as it had been standing? The clock struck twelve and the brassy tolls of the bells resounded throughout the square, the cobbles vibrating beneath Thomas’s feet. Yes, yes. They hissed to each other.
It will happen tonight. They seemed to twinkle in malicious glee. The stage is set. The actors are ready. So open the curtains, and let it begin.
Just as the last toll sounded, a man stepped forwards from the shadows. He was tall with a black cloak wrapped tightly around his slim, silhouetted figure. He seemed to carry a shroud of shadows with him, concealing him from view. He took a sharp puff and a cloud of smoke obscured his already indistinct outline.
“Shane.” Thomas sighed. “Must you be so melodramatic?” The man glared at him.
“Quickly, let’s get this dark business done with. The wind is sharp and my long dead conscience begins to prickle.” The dark stranger, or Shane, as it seems he was named, muttered.
Thomas inclined his head. “Very well. Have you got it?”
Shane drew a small bundle of rags out of his black cloak. He seemed to hesitate, to try and clutch the bundle back to his chest, but his greed prevailed and he handed the rags over. Thomas took them, almost reverently. Quickly, greedily, he unwrapped them.
“Aaahhh.” He exhaled. It was a baby. The sleeping child was tiny, smaller than was better for its health. Its skin was dangerously pale and its fists were so tiny. Obviously, the child was newly born. Already, a lock of dark brown hair hung over the child’s forehead. Its features were so perfect, yet so fragile; it had to be a girl. Thomas looked up.
“It is female?” He asked. Shane nodded once, a quick, birdlike motion.
“So she would have been-” he started, but Thomas cut him off.
“Hush, friend. She has no name now.” Shane was silent. Thomas peered at his face.
“Do I sense discontentment?” He inquired quietly. There was silence, for a heartbeat, a silence thick with implications.
“It’s just – Well, do we really have to kill her, Thomas? And In front of your son, no less?” Shane smiled coldly.
“Maerek doesn’t understand a word we say. He’s not simple; he’s special, the gods have blessed him. Neither sword, nor arrow can hurt him. But he also has trouble with words.” Shane looked down.
“Shane, it is necessary. Her death will bring us all we could have dreamed of, and more! No longer will our children go starving and uneducated. My Maerek will have a chance to be someone! This is what her sister can bring us! All this!” The small boy smiled toothily up at Shane. Thomas smiled, but it did not extend up to his eyes, which were like hard, cold pebbles. Shane cast his arms up to the heavens.
“Do so then. Do so. But I will have no part in it.” And with that, we walked with remarkable speed and agility out of the square. Thomas didn’t even seem to notice. He was staring at the baby’s face possessively. One of his hands crept up to her neck. Slowly, surely, it tightened. The baby’s eyes shot open. They were a dark, rich brown, like chocolate. She cried out softly, and it sounded like a kitten’s helpless mewl. Suddenly, there was a sound in the square, a sound that made Thomas go stiff and white. The only sound that could have saved the baby. The terrible sound of hoof beats. Thomas stood stock still for a few heartbeats. The he suddenly skidded on the ice and sprinted of faster than anyone would have thought possible, leaving his small child alone and lost in the square.


OK, I know it's long
And I had to do the elephant

It's not long, just by the way.

Okay, so I'm doing this new reviewing thing where I don't do nit picks. You have some grammar mistakes in here, but if you ask someone else to read it, perhaps a parent or relative, or you read it aloud, you should be able to spot them.

The only comments I have to make are about that monstrous first paragraph (there's nothing wrong with the size, by the way). No, it's the content that I'm worried about. This paragraph is obviously the beginning to some miracle-Disneyish story. I think that it should be more special - more magical. To make it seem more magical, I would suggest not adding plot into it. If I were you, I would add the walking and grunting part after the first paragraph. If you watch movies' opening scenes, have you ever notices the an action happening, yet there's no human noises at all, only actions? Well that's how your story should be, therefore making it more realistic and... special.

Just a tip. I like it so far. If you wish, PM me when you post the next installment.

Classy

Hi, I'm Mia and I will be reviewing this today
Before I begin nitpicking, I love your descriptions and the story in general. Great work

On to the nitpicks:

His small, two year old son trotted after him, three of his strides matching one of Thomas’s, His straight, chestnut hair sprinkled with snow.

There are a few technical problems with this sentence.
The word "Thomas's" should just be "Thomas'". When a name finishes with an 's', just add inverted comma to show possession.
Also there is a bit of an overload of commas, Try turn this into two short sentences or remove excess commas (example: the one after 'small' is unnecessary).

The clock struck twelve and the brassy tolls of the bells resounded throughout the square, the cobbles vibrating beneath Thomas’s feet.

Same mistake as above in the word "Thomas's".

He was tall with a black cloak wrapped tightly around his slim, silhouetted figure.

I was really enjoying the flow you had going on, the wording you used gave a sense of wonder about what is going to happen here. However when I read 'He was tall with a black cloak...', it put me off a bit to tell you the truth. It would have been nice for you to show this information instead of telling it.

He took a sharp puff and a cloud of smoke obscured his already indistinct outline.

If you mean he took a puff from a cigarette, you have not mentioned one before, even if it is obvious add it to your description of the guy. Remember the reader is not in your head.

“Shane.” Thomas sighed.

Remove the fullstop after Shane and replace it with a comma.

“Aaahhh.” He exhaled.

Same mistake as above.

And with that, we walked with remarkable speed and agility out of the square.

'we'? You can't just change the tense you are writing in.


Overall:
Fix the small details such as excess commas and speech punctuation and this is great. I really enjoyed it all, it made me want to continue reading which is the exact point of a prologue.
Also, this is not short, it was a good length for a prologue.
Awesome work and keep writing, PM me if you want a critique or if you have any questions!
Mia xx

P.s: (Your dancing elephant was lonely )

I liked your story I thought it was pretty good. You included a lot of details so it made it easy to.....imagine what the scenes would be.I liked your characters, and the mystery involved. I think it has to deal with some orphan child, dark arts, and some adventure but excuse me if I'm wrong. I'm very curious as too what happens to Thomas's Son......Anyways you should post more I would love to know what is going on with the baby, and the little orphan girl Thomas ran away with.

Thanks, guys, that made editing easier

What a refreshing breather from the usual junk I read on a different website. It kept me interested throughout, and it is well written. I appreciate your writing style. Your prose isn't flowery at all.

The others have already pointed out the grammatical errors, so there isn't much to say. Let's see the next part of your story.

I have to say I quite enjoyed this piece. I think you had wonderful description, which really painted a picture in my mind. The posts before me have already caught the nitpicks, so I guess all I want to say is keep writing.