Eintein's Revenge

This is the first chapter of the 50,000+ words i have written, this way sound like a historical fiction, but its not, its actually fiction so please do not move this thread. ENJOY

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Einstein's Revenge
A dismal scream of agony exploded into the night coming from the small peculiar building down the street, where most of the city’s injured or ill are sent to. It was a woman’s voice, and it was unquestionable that she going through a lot of pain. It was a quiet and uneventful night where even the quiet scurrying of rats could have been heard, that was until the screams began. That particular building has been the only hospital in the lonely city for many long years, and it was nothing unexpected when screams began near it.
In the dark night where the scream grew louder and stronger, a man in rags who looked very much like a beggar strolled through the empty street towards the hospital. He wore a miserable smile that would have scared of any man; his eyes were narrow and sharp. He was short and sort of plump as he walked on the black gravel under him, crushing them into smaller bits.
Suddenly the screams stopped when the man was steps away from the door, he stopped walking with it. He quickly swiped his head right and left to see if there was anyone watching him, and then cautiously stepped into the hospital. There were many candles in the hospital and it lit the place up. The man headed straight to the counter where a slim woman worked. He hardened his expression to get the woman to answer to his questions faster. But before he can ask he greeted him annoyingly.
“Hi! I’m Mary, sorry but visiting hours are over, and many of the patients here are very tired this time at night.” She said energetically.
“I just heard a woman screaming,” he said roughly. “Out of curiosity was she screaming because she was giving birth?”
“Yes she just gave birth to a cute baby boy,” she replied a bit frightened in the beginning but smiled in the end. The man lifted an eyebrow up and, again, put on his evil smirk. This made the Mary step back an inch.
“I would like to know the family name of this boy, because I am looking for my sister who was rushed to this hospital.” He lied perfectly. Mary actually felt the man had a sensitive side to him for worrying for his sister unlike many other men. She opened a drawer and took out a couple of papers, but before she told him what the name was she asked him one more thing.
“May I please have your name?” she asked the man and looked straight at him. The man was no eager to know the family name and leave, so he gave her his real name.
“Sazer Gabrielle, I am in a hurry.” He said quickly, and waited for her to speak the name he has been waiting for many years. He knew that if this boy was from the family he was hoping for, he would be the one.
“The mother’s name is Pauline and they are in the first room at the right. And the family name is...give me a second...” she said and searched the papers quickly. Sazer wanted to pull his hair to its roots, but then she spoke again. “Oh here it is, the Einstein’s.”
In seconds Sazer Gabrielle was in the hospital pretending to look for the room, and quietly slid out the backdoor into the night.

Yo, Stella here! So, Einstein in the title is bound to catch my eye (seen my signature?)

I. NITPICKS

A dismal scream of agony exploded into the night coming from the small peculiar building down the street, where most of the city’s injured or ill are sent to.

Okay, wow. This is a heavy opening line. Firstly, if it's a scream of agony, we get it's going to be bad, why put dismal in? If the whole of the injured and ill are sent there, is the place really going to be that small? It's just got to many words in it. For a first line, you want a hook, something that draws us in. So far, someone is ill in a hospital. Because that's unusual...

that was until the screams began. That particular building has been the only hospital in the lonely city for many long years, and it was nothing unexpected when screams began near it.

We already know about the screams and the hospital. Don't repeat yourself.

a man in rags who looked very much like a beggar strolled through the empty street towards the hospital.

If he's dressed in rags, then yes, he will look like a beggar. Always a good idea is never to try and describe someone's appearance with a stereotype. If I want to say someone was tall and blond, I don't say they're German. You see what I mean?

as he walked on the black gravel under him, crushing them into smaller bits.

Um, that happens to gravel?

“Hi! I’m Mary, sorry but visiting hours are over, and many of the patients here are very tired this time at night.” She said energetically.

Confused about dialogue punctuation? topic44898.html

“Oh here it is, the Einstein’s.”

Einsteins. Plurals don't take apostrophes.

II. SHOW AND TELL

I want you to look at this specific paragraph:

In the dark night where the scream grew louder and stronger, a man in rags who looked very much like a beggar strolled through the empty street towards the hospital. He wore a miserable smile that would have scared of any man; his eyes were narrow and sharp. He was short and sort of plump as he walked on the black gravel under him, crushing them into smaller bits.

Now, overall, I guess that's okay. But it's telling, and there are lots of other examples in your story. We don't like telling. We like showing.

Instead of saying the screams grew louder, show us how they affect him. Like say something like: "Below, a man in rags was making his way towards the source of the screams, that were gradually getting louder and louder."

Instead of saying that his eyes were narrow and sharp, show us something that he does with his narrow, sharp eyes. You don't even have to do that here, you can do it later when he's talking to the nurse. Just...try it out!

III. WORDS

Words don't make a story, but you're using a lot of them here. Remember that sentences don't always need lots of adjectives and adverbs. A lot of the time, in fact, this'll throw readers off, not even because they're intimidated by your amazing writing and vocabulary but because they think you're pretentious and they're bored. Relax a bit with the words. Only use the ones that are necessary. Sometimes the simplest of phrases can create the nicest images. If you have to split sentences up, fine. It'll work better like that and have an easier flow.

IV. OVERALL

Not bad, just needs a little tweaking is all.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Harsh, but expected form YWS reviewers. Thanks.

EDIT lol, i have never read the last bit when you said "Your amazing vocabulary". Did you really mean that?