i sarted this ages ago for a magazine fiction section, but they stopped having it in their magazine so i decided to carry on with it and so i am sharing some with you lot! Please review it and i know it's mostly grammar.
I looked up at the tall, towering house, the windows where shattered and the door looked kicked in. My iPod switched songs to my favourite, Misery Business. Slowly, I approached the house, stomach twisting and knotting, my thoughts spiralled. This was the place, quite clearly. The e-mail did tell me to come here. I crept towards the door and peered in, black clouds of fog covered the area, I could see absolutely nothing. There was nothing to see.
My feet walked forward, taking me with them, I tried to pull back, but part of me wanted to explore. Paintings hung loose on the walls, cracks set into the walls and the only light was from the broken windows, and everything else was just black and faint. I heard nothing but a ghostly breeze creeping its way around the house… haunting me. The room smelt odd and I scrunched my nose up in disgust. It was hard to explain; it just smelt weird… like it’d passed its expiry date. How odd?
Goosebumps crept up my arm as I walked further on, light appeared, a room had a light bulb or a candle, and there was a shadow of a person, human, I moved ever so slowly to the room. Making sure I missed any glass or creaky floorboards.
I peered round the corner and saw a man stood looking directly towards me, I moved in, and his eyes just stared at the doorway still, not looking at me.
‘Excuse me?’ What a stupid thing to stay, then the man’s head lolled to one side, and a thick rope was rapped tightly around him. He was dead. I gasped and fell backwards. This was horrible. I had to leave, call the police what ever, but something grabbed my hand, it was cold.
A sweet smell ran through my nostrils, suddenly I was pushed to the ground. A pale white man stood looking at me. His teeth bared, and he kneeled on top of me, and buried his face into my neck, he was a vampire, I never thought they actually existed, but this was all too real, and I was slowly dying, as the blood was being drained from my body. It suddenly felt weird, and then there was nothing but black clouding my eyes. I was dying.
The next thing I remembered was waking up in a dimly lit room, with a pain throbbing up and down my neck like a thousand bolts of electricity. My arms and legs felt drained, but somewhat moveable. I didn’t understand. What had just happened? Where was I? Then I realised I’d just been bitten by a vampire! I should be dead! Why wasn’t I dead?
I tried to sit up, but the excruciating pain paralysed me, stopping my attempt. Trying to at least open my mouth, I gasped. My throat was dry, parched and aching, aching for something… my head throbbed as I moaned.
I had to be dead! This was unbearable!
‘Please,’ I croaked out. ‘Make it stop!’
Nobody did anything. Nobody was there. Nobody heard me.
I felt like I was suffocating, suffocating for what? Not air… I was breathing fine, but I felt strange… my back arched as I screeched a piercing scream. Somebody has to help me! Somebody must have heard that scream! They must!
But they didn’t. Slowly, I pushed myself to my hands and knees and clawed my way out of the room, every part of my body aching, throbbing, bleeding… at least I thought I was bleeding.
I looked down at my chest and saw my shirt was stained in a thick red liquid, and as I began to panic, searching for the source of the red liquid, I lifted my top up and saw a stream of blood soaking my skin. I felt my neck.
‘Holy shit,’ I gasped as I found the puncture marks in my flesh. ‘No way.’
I tried to stand up. My legs were trembling. I needed something to hold onto, a drawer or something… something to help me out of the house.
I should never have gone in. I knew I shouldn’t have. I should have stayed in my bedroom like a good girl instead of poking into his business, David’s business. He was very strict about his privacy, and I’d charged right in… he’d killed somebody! Two people! One man including me! But how could I be dead? I was walking around bleeding to death! The only explanation was that I… oh hell no.
I’m a bloody vampire! I thought as I caught myself by surprise falling out of the front door and into the burning sunlight. I screamed as it scroched my flesh.
Ah hell. I was in a deep pile of shit now.
me being one. Prehaps a note at the start she's a girl?
, I suggest you make a brainstorming. Just by this, I'm getting that the story is about vampires, so do a round-about of that; vampires, blood, fangs, sunlight, night, death and other stuff like that. 