Amber-Liquid Death

For my Grandma Bettie, with love.

She worked in mills and
factories, 'til the toxic fumes
destroyed her sense of smell,
and her fingertips lost their feeling.
Just to provide you with the
basics-- food, shelter, clothing.
And you repay her with your
death-- a slow suicide by substance.
And with hands pressed tight,
she'll beg God for your life.
(but he's not listening)
You gave up, gave in... quit trying.
She is forced to watch
powerless to stop you, and she will,
with wide eyes-- terrified. And
your amber-liquid death will be
her undoing. She'll love you
with her last breath, so tip
your head back with one last shot,
and tell yourself that it was
worth it.

Hi there, Tiff. Just thought I would stop in to give this a review.

So, I rather like this. You told me the story behind this, and I think that this tells that story rather well. All in all, I think you have something pretty good here.

I do have one minor gripe. It's on a couple of lines.

Just to provide you with the
basics-- food, shelter, clothing.
And you repay her with your
death-- a slow suicide by substance.

I think that this piece would flow a lot better if you moved the words immediately preceding the dashes to the line that comes before them. So end the first line with "basics" and end the third one with "death".

All in all, a nice poem. You just need to do a bit of tightening up. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Just to provide you with the
basics--

So this is very unnecessary, I think. It's not very poetic, and makes your poem seem like you're making a list, which is not what you want it to sound like, right?

your amber-liquid death

I don't get this line. At all. Sorry I don't. If there is a specific meaning, can you tell me? haha
I know it's the title, but I would like to know why you named it this. It should be explained...

I love poems like this. I feel that through this, I get a better understanding on you. Whenever I write a poem about special people around me, I, in turn, learn more about myself, too!

Beautiful poem, just be sure to not put in lines that mean nothing and don't help your poem go anywhere.

Classy

Amber-liquid death = death by alcohol.

The amber-liquid of course being the alcohol.

Okay, I see. Thanks for that!

So more and more I'm coming around to the idea of the prose poem because it is cool and hip, and all the other kids are doing it, and so I'm not sure if it's my new found fetish that makes me want to see this in the same way or not, like, an endless line, one image flowing to another to another.

"She worked in mills and
factories, 'til the toxic fumes
destroyed her sense of smell,
and her fingertips lost their feeling."

Stronger sense imagery, maybe? You're eviscerating the guy, why not. Although if you want to stick it all together, you could have strong sense imagery that likens the numbing from her work from the numbing of the booze. And for another perspective, it could be that suffering begets suffering, that inevitably the expectation of our parents sacrifices for us can me detrimental, or the conflicting sexual sentiments of a society that will work a women to death, the price of a woman's compared to a man's life. Or that has a working class at all UP THE PROLETARIAT! I'm sorry I get so excited critiquing that it causes Communist Tourettes. Style, style, style, I like this as a quatrain. I like your whole quatrain deal, four balanced simply stated lines, it's good enough for the Persians.

"Just to provide you with the
basics-- food, shelter, clothing.
And you repay her with your
death-- a slow suicide by substance."

I like your attention to form, as well, and balance. I like the dashes, actually, they add visual interest, and create symmetry. I like that you have alliteration. I may even through in a substance/subsistence thing there, but I am naughty,excessive and addicted to wordplay, and you've been elegant and understated, so maybe not.

"And with hands pressed tight,
she'll beg God for your life.
(but he's not listening)
You gave up, gave in... quit trying."

This came across as a song in my head. A song I liked. The ellipses I like less than the earlier dashes, and I wouldn't go overboard on it. Parentheses is good. I like the assonance of tight and life, that you're not squeezing everything into iambic feet and rhyme, but it does have shape.

"She is forced to watch
powerless to stop you, and she will,
with wide eyes-- terrified. And
your amber-liquid death will be
her undoing. She'll love you
with her last breath, so tip
your head back with one last shot,
and tell yourself that it was
worth it."

Do you know, I take it back, I would make this a sonnet, if you can bear to part with some lines of yours, because I can see a 4/4/6 happening here, and I like it. Make the end a 6.

I really enjoyed that.

Perfect for me, because it portrayed the affect and meaning that makes me go, "Woah ~ that's powerful." If I come away the same way after reading over it a few times, in my mind, it's flawless. Clearly it isn't lacking anything; as it maintained the affect.

Keep up the stunning literature is all I can really say.
~Sorry, Ben

This is a fantastic poem. I think your discriptions are clear and they paint a vivid picture. I love your title.
Have a good day
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