First Story-- part 12 *Please Review*

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Hey guys-- I haven't gotten many reviews on any of my last few parts-- so I'm assuming you guys are getting bored of my story. I think I'll just make one last really long post of it after this one, okay? It will include all that I've written of my story so far.If you care, PM me. :thud:




Nerezza did not return to school. Sara felt slightly relieved, and also upset. The morning events only made her crave Nerezza’s power even more. She ate her lunch under the overhang in back of the school, watching the rain clean the last spots her friends had ever stood in.

Sara paced her room that night, trying to figure things out. Nerezza wasn’t human. She could absorb souls, move things with her mind, teleport herself and others, melt into the shadows, and erase people from existence.
She could heal things, and felt no joy. Sara had a feeling that Nerezza could do much more than even that. And Nerezza needed her for something. Sara wanted to know what.
Tuesday. Sara sat on the bathroom floor, bandaging her feet. She didn’t want it to get infected, or Nerezza would be angry. And if Nerezza is angry, no power for Sara, Sara thought.
Her mom didn’t know what to do with her. At first, Mrs. Neubauer had tried reasoning with Sara, to no prevail. Now her mom was just frightened, and sat in her room doing nothing. Mr. Neubauer couldn’t come home yet, as he was in China, working on a deal with some canned fish company.
Sara was glad that they left her alone. Soon, she wouldn’t need anybody. Before school, she went online to Amazon and looked up “black necklace”.
She found a lot of Goth and ghetto crap. Then, on page 23, she saw what she wanted. A black stone on a thin silver chain. She put it on speed order using her mom’s credit card. She wanted to be like Nerezza so badly.

Sara rounded the corner of the sidewalk and walked toward the front entrance of the school. Nerezza was sitting against the wall near the doors.
“Sara,” she weakly called. “Come.”
Sara quickened her pace. When she got to where Nerezza was, time had stopped. Nerezza stood, and it looked painful. It took her a few tries to get all the way up.
“Are you ready?” she asked.
“For…what?” Sara whispered, her heart pounding. Nerezza raised an eyebrow. Sara noted that she was quite good at that.
“I think you know.” She said.
“Yes. Yes. Yes.” Sara whispered.
“I would not be excited if I were you.” Nerezza said darkly.
Then, they were in a dark room. Sara blinked. She could see Nerezza, but not herself. It was as if the sun shone solely on Nerezza, but the rest of the room was dark, black as night.
A chair appeared, hitting the back of Sara’s legs and knocking her into it. Nerezza collapsed into hers, as if standing was difficult.
She waved her hand, and the room filled with light. It was a plain room, black walled and floored. Sara couldn’t see any light source, which was odd.
“Odd. Most find it frightening. You find it odd.” Nerezza said, sounding amused. Sara said nothing, but wondered silently if Nerezza could read minds.
“Yes I can. Emotions as well.” Nerezza said. Sara sat up straight, surprised.
“Now, I am going to tell you a story. It would do you well to listen.” She said.
“Once upon a time, there was life. Just one cell, a primitive organism. The cell grew and changed and lived. Then, as does everything, it died. But there had been something before life. Nothingness. And as cells died, their souls were sucked into nothingness. Until this nothingness became something. A being that all souls went to when their bodies died. And so that being became Death. Death decided if it was something’s time to die. And if it was, Death took their souls. Souls are energy, thoughts, feelings, power. And as souls built up in Death, it needed an outlet. Someplace to put that energy. So death became a cell. And every 100 or so years, the amount of energy that would have been building inside the cell needed to go somewhere. So the cell exploded, and Death consumed everything. But life is a resilient force. So it started anew. And as life went on that way, Death realized that it had the potential to be greater. So instead of exploding when the energy was too great, Death transferred it. And as the energy flowed out, it was directed to a new cell, one whose soul was strong. And this cell hosted Death for another hundred years. Then another cell did. Then another. And as life evolved, Death was hosted by more advanced life forms. Now no being is capable of hosting Death without preparation. So Death selects a host before one hundred years are up, and gives them a small fraction of its power. I, Saraphina, am Death. And I have chosen you to be my next host.”
Sara gasped. So many thoughts swirled in her head, she couldn’t choose one. Nerezza laughed.
“I warned you, little girl. And now you will get what you desired. I do hope I chose you wisely. If you die from a small taste of power, it is far too late to choose a new host. What a shame it would be to start back at the beginning.” Sara felt dizzy.







sorry this one's kinda long. This couldn't really be split up . :mrgreen:
Last edited by ToritheMonster on Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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I don't have time to critique your work right now, but I'd like to say that your writing has greatly improved! Your description of Sera and her family help them really come to life. :D I'll critique when I have more time. :D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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Thankee!
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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Hey guys,
I've had lots of people who've been reviewing my other parts of my story... and nobody (besides Seraph, thanks Seraph :D ) has really done any reviews of it lately. I could really use some more reviews on my work, so if someone could do some reviews of any of my parts, especially 10-12, it would be greatly appreciated. I'll probably send some points to anyone who responds to this. :wink:
Thanks,guys! :mrgreen:

--Dreamy
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Please? :smt064
Last edited by ToritheMonster on Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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pleasyplease?????????
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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Come on!
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OooK, maybe this is because I haven't read First Story -- part 1 to 10, and you're just recapping for everyone, but for me (as this is the first part of story read), there was way too much telling.

Nerezza wasn’t human. She could absorb souls, move things with her mind, teleport herself and others, melt into the shadows, and erase people from existence.

I know you've probably mentioned this, and want to remind us, but could you not have, I dunno, done a flashback or Sara thinking of Nez (as I will call her) doing this stuff or telling her, depending on how she discovered.

Sara felt slightly relieved, and also upset.

And you can't show us this? I mean, later, you show us her pacing the room, that's GOOD. In fact, there's a game in Writing Activities called the Showing vs. Telling Game, you might want to check it out. It'll show you some stuff that will not only be less irritating than telling, but also increase your word count.

At first, Mrs. Neubauer had tried reasoning with Sara, to no prevail.

Sorry, can you not show us a scene of Mrs. Neubauer arguing with Sara?

black as night.

Night actually isn't that black. It's dark, yes, but more a subtle mix of blues, purple, brown (where I live), and gray; the night of the new moon is often darker than usual, but it still isn't completely black.

By the way, nice explanation of the death-cell thing. Although, I've never gotten death as a malevolent force. Maybe I'm weird or something, but isn't death just a state other than living? Also, if there were no death, then overpopulation would mean, if not death, than starvation and suffering, not to mention rotting while still alive.

Now, because I must, the names:

Nerezza: Okay, I can't exactly argue with Nerezza for a death-powered gal, mostly as I once had a character called Nerezza (who, by the way, was also sort of death-powered, but for a different reason).
Saraphina: This is a normal girl called Saraphina? What were her parents thinking? I remember, from a site, it said that before naming a character or baby, you should always add 'Attorney-at-law' after it, and see if it sounds stupid. Use this law well. After all, it avoids unrealistic names in a realistic environment; still, I like that she uses Sara rather than full name, since those with stupid names will always disguise it (like one of my characters, who I had nicknamed Red, and added an embarrassing name to make sure that she kept using Red).

Okay, so, I liked it, just needed a little less telling. Also, isn't it a bit creepy for Sara to want to be Nez?
This guy is so evil you could put him in between two slices of bread and call him an evil sandwich.

Coming at you like a jetpack Shakespeare.

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http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53905.html




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Thanks for the review. Yes, it's supposed to be creepy. And, I know you haven't read the other parts, so some stuff might not make sense. For starters, Sara's parents are quite normal anyway, so weird names aren't that out-of-place. But that is a good rule, in general. And yes, I know there's a lot of telling in this part. That's because I had a lot of loose ends to tie up that were left unexplained earlier-- people were staring to get confused.

By the way, if you want to give Nerezza a nickname-- it's Nezzy. You'll see why if you read what's to come in part15, maybe 16. However, that might take a while to post, as I said-- I'm taking a break.



Thanks again!

--D
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Alright, Pink here, as promised.
My apologizes for being so late, I've been quite busy lately but I'm here now.

So overall it's an interesting story but I have no idea what's really going on or what these characters are like. But I'll just be commenting on your grammar overall.

“I think you know.” She said.

Comma after know.
“Yes. Yes. Yes.” Sara whispered.

“I would not be excited if I were you.” Nerezza said darkly.

Comma after Yes in the first line.
Comma after you in the second line.

She waved her hand, and the room filled with light. It was a plain room, black walled and floored. Sara couldn’t see any light source, which was odd.

No comma after hand.

“Odd. Most find it frightening. You find it odd.” Nerezza said, sounding amused. Sara said nothing, but wondered silently if Nerezza could read minds.

Comma after odd.

***
Okay so far I'm just seeing the same mistakes over and over. All of them dealing with Comma/period placement. Don't worry about it, you just need to brush up on those rules, they're actually not that difficult.
Back when I was making the same mistakes as you, I found this siteextremely helpful. Maybe you should check it out and study over those quotation mark rules and comma rules.
I hope that helps :)

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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thanks, pink!
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everyone else has covered the review so i really dont have anything to add. but this is the most interesting thing i have read on this site and i would really enjoy the next parts




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Oh, thank you! That is the nicest compliment I've ever gotten on YWS. *skips away merrily*
*turns back*

There's a part 13, if you wan to read it. It's in my portfolio.
Honey, you should see me in a crown.



The idea that a poem was a made thing stayed with me, and I decided then that I wanted to be an artist, not just a diarist. So I put myself through a kind of apprenticeship in writing poetry, and I understood even then that my practice as a poet was deeply related to my reading.
— Edward Hirsch