(E&iC) Exams & The difficulties of bananas

This is an extract from my Blog/Column-based book:

Earth & Its Contents
by Ben Franks

Exams, & The difficulties of Bananas

It's come to that point in life where life ends. In terms of being a kid, anyway. For now, I'm coming to the ripe age of 16, where I'm told you can legally climb a step ladder.
Anyway, this means that I'm faced with the need to apparently become employed part time instead of sitting on my backside or going to town with my mates every weekend. I was curious to learn more. It also turns out that when you're coming to the age of 16, the education system makes you embark on something heavy handed and improvised that they refer to as "Revision" which to my disgust takes up a proportionate amount of 5 minutes everyday.
This is in an effort to achieve a letter in return for months hard graft and a two-hour sit through a torturous whirl wind of silence and the unresistable urge to pee. Yes, I'm talking about the dreaded GCSE exams. Except the Americans amongst you would associate such an abbreviation with something else that perhaps makes more sense to you, like, er, SATs or something.
Anyway, I'm predicted A in general, across the board, which you may find hard to believe due to my incredible naivity. I find it hard to believe myself, but in terms of academics I seem to somewhat thrive on the energy disposed as a result of merely co-existing in a universe with Michael Caine and Larry Hagman. Extroadinary, huh?

You see, whilst in one of these perfectly applicated "Revision days" sort together by a bunch of parents who bear a title of "Governor" for no apparent reason as opposed to the fact that they'd filled in an application form a little more extensively than everyone else. So, here I am, taking in as much of my break time as possible, which upon doing so I discovered a horrid woft of banana that would make an average man gag.
You see, a banana had been left on the floor for a period of three days, which is 25 billion banana years. It reeked.
So, I decided to embark on a little touch of research. This is also known as Homework avoidance by 15 and 16 year olds who have some silly naivity mixed with an intellectual desire to research the deteriation of a banana on Youtube first, before punching it into google furiously. If you feel eccentric you may even have the nerve to click the "Feeling lucky" button and get boosted over the other side of the internet galaxy to a completely irrelevant page about Apples, Contraception and the 1943 Motorcar.
Any'oo, I found out that this was a natural occurance of the banana. So there's clearly the difficulty that if you're going to floor a banana and leave it for more than 20 billion banana years, you should most likely take in a gas mask, or if you cannot acces one, merely pee on a handkerchief and apply this to your face because apparently this works.

First off, let me say that I really like the mood of the story. I always thought there was something fresh about social satire mixed with fictional supplementary information, such as the conversion of time into 'banana years.'
My favorite sentence in the piece was probably the one about the Feeling Lucky button, as it was artfully worded and got the point across quite well. However, there are a few criticisms that I'd like to mention:

Revision could have been better explained, as being one of the "Americans amongst you," I still have no idea what that is. However, depending on your intended audience, that may not matter.

You see, whilst in one of these perfectly applicated "Revision days" sort together by a bunch of parents who bear a title of "Governor" for no apparent reason as opposed to the fact that they'd filled in an application form a little more extensively than everyone else.

I also have a little bit of a problem with accepting this as a sentence. While it explains an additional quirk of the part of society you're critiquing, "You see, whilst..." hints that there will be something more occurring afterward, which there is not.

When you say 'woft,' I believe you mean 'waft.'

This is also known as Homework avoidance by 15 and 16 year olds who have some silly naivity mixed with an intellectual desire to research the deteriation of a banana on Youtube first, before punching it into google furiously.

I like the description of your research techniques, but this sentence seems a little wordy and unorganized, giving the same effect as a run-on sentence without the grammatical errors. Perhaps you could introduce the homework avoidance technique in one sentence and then explain how one goes about it (youtube then google) in a second. Also, as far as the phrase "homework avoidance" is concerned, I like that you considered capitalization, but if you do this with one word, you must also do it with the other.

merely pee on a handkerchief and apply this to your face because apparently this works.

I liked this, but I thought that the phrase "apparently this works" was a little weak. After all, not only is this the last thing a reader will "hear" of your work, but for someone unknowledgeable in the ways of banana aging survival techniques, the thought that putting a pee-soaked cloth to your face is more tolerable is quite unbelievable and dramatic in itself, and its shock factor should not be lessened, but rather taken advantage of.

Criticisms aside, however, I found it to be a delightful little read and I wish you good luck on your future endeavors into the world of blogging, or writing in general, as well as that, should you ever be confronted by the lifeless, rotting corpse of a fruit again, you shall have a handkercheif handy onto which you can relieve your "irresistable urge to pee."

Haha, thankyou for the feedback

haha. I really did laugh when I saw the SAT thing. At first I was wondering what in gods world a Geecesee could be than I saw SAT and I'm like *bonk on the head*. I'm not very good at reviewing non-fiction because I don't want to be rude so yeah..this was fun-ee!

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity

This is in an effort to achieve a letter in return for months hard graft and a two-hour sit through a torturous whirl wind of silence and the unresistable urge to pee. Yes, I'm talking about the dreaded GCSE exams. Except the Americans amongst you would associate such an abbreviation with something else that perhaps makes more sense to you, like, er, SATs or something.

Blast! That reminded me that I missed my testing date! And, I'm in my last year of High School. A's all the way Ben? You must be an apple. I am an Amazingly Brave Cat, meaning I make mostly A's, but a few B's, and C's.

The Dog is always barking at me. The D.

- *That's my reviewing signature*

Haha, I only really took the subjects I was any good at for GCSE

You are making me really scared to turn 16.

Just for kicks, I am 39541.66667 banana years old.

-The Minister of High Hopes

Lol, I'm surprised you worked that out and don't worry, it isn't as bad as I make out.

Well done! I loved the bit about turning 16, and the "homework avoidance". Good stuff. I always enjoy reading humour when I can relate to it!

Like all of your extracts I can't really review them so much, just enjoy them. This was no exception. Good work in making it flow, it can't have been easy making a link between GCSEs and bananas!

One thing though, SATs aren't really anything like GCSEs? Especially now Yr9s don't take them. Anyway, that's probably the most pedantic nitpick I've ever made, so I'll just stop!

Keep up the good work, and good luck with your exams!
JSPike

Thanks for the feedback Pike