wow! Your poem portrays some strong emotions. I like your similes.I think you might want to change the last line of your poem because I think collapse into your self sounds a little weird.I could say something like you are withdrawn or imploding. I can relate to this poem in that people I know try to suppress there emotions. When you look beyond the facade of happiness there is often rage. Overall it was good. You should write poems more often. Thanks for the review of my first poem. Have a great night Fiction
Personally, I didn't find this poem overly remarkable, but two stanzas really stood out to me: the second and the fifth. The fifth, in particular, really impressed me. The reason I found "Breaking" to be somewhat mediocre is because it sounds faux–macho. (That's why the last line struck me: the vulnerability sounds so much more honest). It also sounds a little odd to constantly switch from superpowers/wreak havoc/ruin the earth mentality to something more human (kicking the door in). This is a minor detail, but I wonder if you did this on purpose: to keep the narrator sounding human, even in the midst of his threats and declarations about himself.
I'll give it a "like it" anyway. See you around.
–antimelrose
Sabbatical isn't the right word, but it almost is. loves like a hurricane/i am a tree/bending the weight of his wind and mercy/dcb grace finds beauty in everything... makes beauty out of ugly things/U2
That was one of the most beautiful descriptions of such strong, yet common emotions i have ever read...
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I adore the way you have written this section of the poem, ''I could'' fills the reader with this uncertainty, and then you feel the sadness as you reach the end, the way he seems to just be giving up, ''But instead, i sit alone''
It really is a fabulous piece, Keep up the writing.
I really love this poem the last part is the best.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
I really like this poem, because it's so succinct and reflects something that is a problem/concern for many people. A lot of people who do have something wrong going on in their head, or are experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil just let it collapse in on them -- that's why, though I know someone else said the one part sounded "tantrum-y", I actually think the tantrum-y lines are very appropriate. Well, yes, even an adult can tantrum. If something is going really very wrong, don't we have the option to complain and kick and storm around? But especially as adults we feel inclined to keep it all inside.
The first stanza is so strong that the second stanza does appear weaker in comparison. I would try to strengthen the language perhaps, maybe add a word or two to try to build it up. The poem picks up again in the third stanza.
Congratulations, you know what anger is. Are you expecting to... receive something from this poem? Anything at all?
Because right now this is just a dead husk of words rotting away without any internal filling to keep it healthy. I usually don't make such generalizations, but some of your lines are downright "emo".
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The saddest part about these lines are that, had you spent a little more thought and time on this poem, you could have made something out of them. The image of collapsing - decaying stars, frightened stars. Light in a black hole. Cyclones. Something.
Instead, you make some half-baked analogy to a volcano and earthquake and call it a day.
This poem is going nowhere and never will. I would say that it was meant only for you, to understand or get out some personal emotion, but... you posted it on YWS. You wanted feedback. So, if you care about having the reader actually connect with something more complex than a three-year-old child's tantrum, then incinerate this piece immedaitely and focus on creating a multi-layered poem. There must always be more than one dimension; we don't live on a piece of graphing paper. Conflict is a good foundation upon which to build. So is connecting your imagery to your themes (which you did decently, for the most part), so it doesn't look like your description was thrown in haphazardly.
