Summer Barbeque *no edit*

You must be starving;
Do you want a hamburger?
No, thanks.
Do you want a hot dog?
No, I'm fine.
Potato salad or maybe even some vegetables with
Ranch?
I ate before I came here.
Oh, you have to eat something,
Dear. No one goes hungry in my house.
Thank you, but I'm full.
Sweetheart, there's bound to be something I can
Feed you.
No, nothing. Thank you.
Child, what do you eat?

Everything you don't.

Hi Clara. This was a poem with an interesting premise that I really want to like, but somehow it just fell flat. I think it was because you didn't differentiate the two characters within this poem. Doing so would make this a much more interesting read. For instances, add quotation marks and dialogue tags, with thoughts of the adult or the child. Try to focus on one narrator, because with two, it just gets sort of confusing.

Also, a problem that I have is that the adult in this poem seems to just go up to the child and assume that he is hungry, but he clearly states that he isn't. The adult seems weird for forcing food down the child's throat. She becomes unlikable, and I don't think that that is the message you wanted to convey. If it is, I say go through with the viewpoint of the child.

If it's not, change it and go with the viewpoint of the adult. Add an introductory stanza where the child says he is hungry, and then follow the other suggestions I made in the first paragraph.

Otherwise, this had a very interesting premise, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of your poetry.

PM me if you need anything.

-Elinor

In my mind I saw someone talking to themselves hah.

Hmm, well for one it is very, very simple, and that I liked, the flow was very straightforward with the short sentences and unpausing progression.

It did kind of insist on it's point, like an overbearing entity, which probably was the main aim, but it came off really as more of a kind of "Alright, yeah get on with it" kind of mood for me.

Keep in mind, for ME.

I cant really say it's great, or horrible, because it doesnt really garner a description, it just is, in it's own odd way, and really that makes it good to me.

The last part was not an insult I swear.

Much love, Era.

Yeah, I agree that it fell flat. I wrote it in maybe five minutes and left it alone. I'll definitely post more poetry that's been contemplated and revised over and over. I just had the urge to scribble down something.

I really disagree with that. It's true that it's not a very interesting premise, but that's part of the appeal of the poem. Although it's slightly pointless, you have a lovely style and a brilliant grasp of the structure of your different lines, and it certainly didn't fall flat at all. I think you can tell perfectly well who's talking, so you don't need to add any quotation marks or anything. The end is also great. What I really like about this poem is that you're not trying to sensationalise anything: no murders, no love, no weapons of mass destruction, just a child being asked what they'd like to eat. It gets annoying when people write (often not very good) poems about those things, thinking they're being clever. You've written a good poem which has a definite, witty point behind it. The only thing I would pick up on is that 'barbeque' is a sloppy spelling which comes from the abbreviation 'BBQ', which lots of people wouldn't call correct. 'Barbecue' is the correct spelling.

Hey,

I really think you could do more with this poem, but for what you have written, it was pretty funny. I know you mentioned that you wrote it fast, and you can kind of tell, but I really like this. I like your poem because I think everyone, at some point in their life, has been in a situation where they were asked a million times if they would like something to eat or drink. I thought this was pretty funny, but if you wanted, you could probably do a lot more with it.
Nice job, keep posting !

~ Allison