angels and phoenixes intro

A/N i am relatively new to this so please don't be too critical please


As Sakura ran through the trees, another wave of pain shot through her arm. She clutched it even tighter. She tried not to think about it, instead she concentrated on keeping her bloodied, injured legs moving towards the base.After a few more minutes of pure agony she finally stumbled into the clearing. Sakura then crumpled to the ground not able to move one more step. She could hear some shouting but couldn't make out the words.she felt someone turn her over-a hazy figure leaned over her. She grabbed the person's arm and gasped "tell the...phoenix watchers...they're coming.... for....her." Then the last remaining strength she had left her. She tumbled into darkness.




A/N so whet do you think?????i know its not that good-i'm still trying to work all the kinks out anyway ill post again if i get a review or two *wink wink nudge nudge* plus brownies for reviewers!!!!! plus remember its the intro so its short on purpose. Also I edited it and capitalized the words and stuff, also tam_ara wrote some things and which I liked but didn't want to copy you so I kind of switched some things but thanks for reviewing!

Ok, sorry, but you need to change your grammer. Let me just show you how this should be set out:

As Sakura ran through the trees, another wave of pain shot through her arm. She clutched it even tighter, she tried not to think about it. Instead, she concentrated on keeping her bloodied, injured legs moving towards the base. After a few more minutes of pure agony, she finally stumbled into a clearing. Sakura than crumpled to the ground, not able to move one more step. She could hear some shouting, but couldn't make out the words. She felt someone turn her over- a hazy figure leaned over her. She grabbed the person's arm, and gasped, "tell the... pheonix watchers... they're comming... for...her." Then with the last remaining strength she had left her. Everything went black.

See? Isn't it better with full stops and capital letters and a few more commas. Although don't be shy to use semi_colons!
Anyway, this is your first piece, don't be nervous. It was great, I like the idea, but remember, you have to perfect your grammer to a good quality.
So, this idea, it's cool. The introduction had a nice little cliff hanger, hope you carry on with this story!
~tam_ara
p.s. - don't be discouraged about the grammer thing, and it took me ages to write it out, please don't think I was being nasty! =/

Hello Destiny, I have a quick review for you. First, try to put a little more effort into this. Its very good, but I'm noticing lots of uncapitolized words, nonspacing, and a couple of frag sentences. Besides that, the overall plot looks pretty good. I will be looking forward to this!
~Ryuichi

Hi destiny is calling,
I really like the story so far but you have no capital letters at all, which makes the story look like it was written by a two year old.
Other than that I really like it so can you pm me when you post more, please?
midnightread

Hi Destiny,
I really like your story it's really good. I hope to see alot more writing from you in the future you have a good idea here so keep up the good work and i hope to see more, your fellow writer for jesus...



Horse