Scarred

The men took hold of my left hand and my waist. One of them grabbed the flaming hot metal burners as the other three held out my right arm. They rolled up my sleeve.
“No! Please, don't!” I yelled in fear as the metal burner closed in on my arm. I screamed. Painful heat spread up my arm, threatening to burst it open. The burner on my skin sizzled as I felt the unbearable burn. For nine seconds the man held it there, for nine seconds my arm became a flame. For me, those nine seconds were an eternity. Then, the man removed the burner. I stopped screaming, though the pain still raced through my arm. My arm and skin screamed silently. I glanced at the burn and saw the sign of the Dragon. The sign that marked me as a target. The men released me. I spun around and ran out of the large oak doors.
I entered the grand hall of Jake Merwin. A shiver ran down my spine as I felt eyes on my back. I slowly turned, as Dev's eyes met mine I glowered.
“I loved you, Dev. How could you do this to me?” I whispered with tears in my eyes, the sorcerer an inch away from my body.
“I had to. I....”
“Don't...lie to me.” I said. “I have been told too many lies by the people I used to trust. Don't become that. Don't lie to me.”
“I wanted you to be safe.”
“Goddamn it, Dev! I know its a lie! And I already know why you did it. You don't love me. You never did.”
“Angie, I do love you, I swear.” He said urgently, grabbing my left arm in an attempt to make me stay.
I yanked my arm out of his grasp. I thrust my right arm at him. I shook the blistered burn in his face. “ If you truly loved me, why would you do this?”
We both stood in silence. After a few seconds, I lowered my arm.
“I guess I never loved you either.” I said hushed, tears flowing out of my eyes.
Then, I turned and walked out of the grand palace. I never even looked back. I just left him standing in the doorway, watching his only true love leave him forever.

Short yet very easy to critique, okay here goes nothing.

The men took hold of my left hand and my waist. One of them grabbed the flaming hot metal burners as the other three held out my right arm. They rolled up my sleeve.

“No! Please, don't!” I yelled in fear as the metal burner closed in on my arm. I screamed. Painful heat spread up my arm, threatening to burst it open. The burner on my skin sizzled as I felt my skin burnSlightly repetitve if you ask me, maybe if you said The burner on my arm sizzled as I felt my skin burn. For nine seconds the man held it there, for nine seconds my arm became a flame. For me, those nine seconds were an eternity. Then, the man removed the burner. I stopped screaming, though the pain still raced through my arm. My arm and skin screamed silently. I glanced at the burn and saw the sign of the Dragon. The sign that marked me as a target. The men released me. I spun around and ran out of the large oak doors.

I entered the grand hall of Jake Merwin. A shiver ran down my spine as I felt eyes on my back. I slowly turned. Dev's eyes met mine. I think this can be one sentence (The last two short ones).

“I loved you, Dev. How could you do this to me?” I whispered with tears in my eyes, the sorcerer was an inch away from my body.

“I had to, I....”

“Don't...lie to me.” I said, “I have been told too many lies by the people I used to trust. Don't become that. Don't lie to me.”

“I wanted you to be safe.”

“Goddamn it, Dev! I know its a lie! And I already know why you did it. You don't love me. You never did.”

“Angie, I do love you, I swear.” He said urgently, grabbing my left arm in an attempt to make me stay.

I yanked my arm out of his grasp. I thrust my right arm at him. I shook the blistered burn in his face. “ If you truly loved me, why would you do this?”

We both stood in silence. After a few seconds, I lowered my arm.

“I guess I never loved you either.” I said hushed, tears flowing out of my eyes.

Then, I turned and walked out of the grand palace. I never even looked back. I just left him standing in the doorway, watching his only true love leave him forever.

Okay overall, I believe it is really good. Hardly any mistakes, though you do have a lot of full stops and commas. Though I can't really talk cause my grammar is horibble hahaha. I was listening to one of Taylor Swifts songs when I was reading this and i truly made an effect!
Good work can't wait for the next one .

Yeah, I really dig this. I like the opening parts with the burning and all. Made me scratch my wrist more than once.

I liked it a lot, but you should fix up some of the past tense stuff. I can't wait till you write more could you PM when it's posted please?

Hey emmylou!

So! You started off with a lot of action, which was really really cool! I mean, come on... somebody getting branded? How much more awesome could you get, really?

Now, for the story, there was one thing that I wanted more background information! So why is she being branded? That's a huge part! Without knowing that, I feel like I'm missing out a lot of the story, and I want to just ooze in its awesome juices. Also! What about the romantic relationship? We really don't get to see the romantic relationship or why things turned out as badly as they did, so I think it would be awesome if we could see who the lovers are and why they betrayed each other in the way they did.

Usually, writers totally overdo this background information part, mind you, so I'm really glad that you were able to just jump right into the action and such. But a little background information here would be soooo awesome.

Good luck with editing and thanks for posting this!

Hi emmylou,

I agree with Snoink on the need for more background information. It's good that you got us wondering though. And I really did like the jump into the action. Also I loved the fact that she said "I guess I never loved you either."

My issues was that you were really repetitive on the fact that it's burning her. Like "flaming hot metal burner" and "The burner on my skin sizzled as I felt my skin burn" It just seems annoyingly repetitive. I just don't like seeing things repeat that much. Other than that, I thought the beginning conversation seemed a little much. You told a bit more than I think you should of. It just seemed a bit unrealistic. One other tiny thing: when you said he watched his only true love leave him forever, and your story is in 1st person, and she just got finished saying he never loved her, why would she think that he's watching her walk away as his true love? You understand me? Sorry, I'm a bit nit-picky, but it just didn't seemed like it fit right.

Other than that, I really like it and I think it's the start of a good story and you totally have to post more

Good job, keep writing!

-Lindsay. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Thamks everyone! The advice was great. I am actually thinking of changing the main characters names. I was thinking something medieval or fantasy. Or both. Any ideas?

i like this piece!

the first sentence seems sort of in-the-action and very unusual. I like starting in the middle of the action, but you need to also sort of explain what's happening- I am altogether confused.
when it talks about how the dragon now marks her as a target, what does she mean?
mm, romance, and betrayal... that is part of exactly what any good story needs to build on... keep going on this!!

Nice Story. It gives great detail and I can see it happening in my head. If there was a rating 1-10, I give that an 8. Keep writing! xD