Total Eclipse [Prologue]

This is my first fantasy story so I hope you enjoy!


Pohatu Dobliv entered his high-rise building. It was the tallest and most elegant building in all of Firaka. All the rest of Firaka except this area was a slum, filled with crime and filth. Dobliv entered the elevator and pressed floor 22. As the elevator worked its way up to the top, Dobliv thought about his fame, power, and money. He also thought about how it was unfair that the richest sector in town was placed next to the orc camps. It was to protect the poorer citizens from the filth and sight of the orcs. The elevator reached its final destination at floor 22.


The doors opened and Dobliv entered his room. The first thing he saw was a tall man holding a piece of paper. The man’s hand caught ablaze burning the paper with it. Dobliv watched in shock. The man dropped the ashes to the floor.



“I know what you want, but I won’t let you!” Dobliv yelled.



The man showed no reaction to Dobliv’s words. He began to walk closer to Dobliv. Dobliv pulled a dagger from his coat. The cloaked man light his hands with fire.



Dobliv entered combat with the mysterious man. The man grabbed Dobliv’s coat setting, it on fire. Dobliv pushed the man back and ripped his coat off. He lunged at the man with the dagger. The man blocked it and batted it out of his hands. He grabbed Dobliv’s shirt and pinned him against the wall. The man took off his mask.


Dobliv screamed in pain. “My eyes! My damn eyes! Stop it please!”



The man showed no mercy, he took out a piece of parchment and a knife. He placed the parchment on his chest and plunged the knife into it. Dobliv screamed in pain yet again. The man brought Dobliv next to his large window that overlooked the orc camps. He threw Dobliv out the window with incredible force.


Dobliv landed with a great thud in the orc camp. He looked around and the orcs began to surround him. They were going to eat him. Dobliv managed to look at the not the man had placed on him. It read “My regards” in dark black ink. Dobliv did not have time to ponder this message, as the orcs began their feast for the night.

Hey, Aries. The setting of your story is very interesting...especially the part about the orc camps. You did a pretty good job. Here are some corrections for you:

IAmAries wrote:Dobliv entered combat with the mysterious man.

It reminds me of video games.

IAmAries wrote:He lunged at the man with the dagger.

Does Dobliv or the man have the dagger?

IAmAries wrote:Dobliv screamed in pain. “My eyes! My damn eyes! Stop it please!”

The word 'please' struck me as a little bit odd. Does Dobliv have time to be polite? And if you did mean it that way, is it because of his character?

IAmAries wrote:He placed the parchment on his chest and plunged the knife into it.

Whose chest?

IAmAries wrote:The man grabbed Dobliv’s coat setting, it on fire.

Comma should be before 'setting'.

Keep on writing-

Kaedee

Very good story Aries. I liked how the story started off with action but I think you brought it a little to quickly. A few little grammar mistakes here and there but overall it was good in that part. Back to the action. I think you should have given a little more detail as to what was going on before he encountered the "strange man". Besides that, I have no more to say besides good job.

Very nice story. Kaedee pointed out some of the only mistakes in the prologue. I noticed another mistake, though.

Dobliv entered combat with the mysterious man. The man grabbed Dobliv’s coat setting, it on fire. Dobliv pushed the man back and ripped his coat off. He lunged at the man with the dagger. The man blocked it and batted it out of his hands. He grabbed Dobliv’s shirt and pinned him against the wall. The man took off his mask.

Way too many "the man's." Work on rephrasing that paragraph.

Overall, I like the plot and as Kaedee said the orc camps are very interesting. Can't wait to read more.

You used too many The man to begin your sentences. What type of creature is Dobliv? What does "The man" want"? I like Lord of the Rings type of stories. The plot was interesting. I can't wait for a sequel!

The cloaked man light his hands with fire.

Lit his hands with fire.

The man grabbed Dobliv’s coat setting, it on fire.

Comma is in the wrong place.

Dobliv screamed in pain. “My eyes! My damn eyes! Stop it please!”

I laughed when I read this. Not sure if that's the reaction you want to get from readers, so I'd work on it. "My eyes!" is really cliche.

Dobliv managed to look at the not the man had placed on him.

Note.

Way too many "the man's." Work on rephrasing that paragraph.

I also thought you used way too many "Dobliv's". Might want to work on that.

You also need to work on description. At first I thought they were in like an office building because of the elevator, so when you mentioned orc camps I couldn't picture it. This piece lacks a setting. Also, you might want to mention the time period, unless it's your own little fantasy world.

I liked the last sentence. Really brutal. Made me cringe and gag.

Dream.

* * *

I liked this prologue. The concept was interesting, and I liked the idea of the orc camps. It looks like most of the nit picks have already been pointed out, so I'll just point out some general things.

Like I said, the concept was interesting. You might want to slow down the pacing a little, though. Everything happens too fast. One minute Dobliv is in the elevator, the next he's fighting with a mysterious man in his apartment, and the next he's being eaten by orcs.

You also need a lot more description. What does Dobliv look like? Is he human, or some kind of fantasy creature? The building is supposed to be the most elegant building in Firaka. What makes it so elegant? Are there doormen, or chandeliers hanging in the lobby, and jewels on the elevator buttons? What does Dobliv's room look like? Is it dirty and cluttered and smells like burritos, or neat and clean? What about this mysterious man? Saying that he's "tall" and "cloaked" really doesn't help us imagine him. You need to tell us more so we can get a clearer picture of what's going on. Maybe he has a scar across his face, or walks with a limp, or has green eyes and blond hair.

Here's a link to an excellent article that a YWS member wrote about description. It might help.

topic33840.html

Overall, nice job. I'm interested to see what happens next, and what the man wanted from Dobliv.

Heya! I have an issue with the credibility. Would a man really be alive enough to read a note (upside down) that was stabbed into his chest before he fell several stories? Would he even care what the note said? I wouldn't. Just saying.
Other than that, more description please. Impatience is the enemy of good writing

Your story caught my attention but I think you should describe the character better, and the surroundings as well. Also who is this mysterious man trying to kill Dobliv?Why does he want to kill him?It would be great if you could also describe what this mysterious man was trying to take, and why he was trying to take it. Overall it was very good and I really liked it.( I'm a sucker for action-packed scenes! )