Being American

I hate being the one
So fat, so lazy and blonde
The one with stupid spelling
Who's always hated on


You may think because we had a president
stupid he was indeed
You can call us lousy, stupid, what not?


Even if you cannot comprehend it
I have feelings too.


So stop.
We can be good people too
We're just like you.


There's something really there
Something that unites us
From the moment the American flag is raised.


I'm sorry I'm American
But that will never change.

Ah, some political satire...If that's what you intended. That's just how I took it. But, anyhoo...
I liked it. The wording was quite nice, except for a few wee spots, and the rhythm seemed okay as well.

First, I think that if you take out the first "and" in this section:

"Fat and lazy and blonde"

And make it instead:

"Fat, lazy and blonde"

It will work much better within its stanza.

That, I must say, was the only real qualm I had in the poem. Great job!

I like the topic being addressed in your poem. If I were you I would take out the line that talks about the hamburgers that make us so fat. If you ever do travel abroad there are allot of stereotypes about Americans and most of them are negative, at least I think so.
Thank you for reviewing my first poem.

Keep writing and good luck!
Fiction

I am TheNewHero, your reviewer. Let's get on shall we?

First thing: You start out saying you hate being the one and then ask people to stop hating on you. Stick to one.

Perhaps you could keep one direction, flow, style throughout the poem? ( I know it makes no sense but it might if you read my edit.)
Change I have feelings to we (once again, one feel. Either talk about being an American personally or as a group if you know what I mean)
Interesting Point: You're talking about Bush, right? Just checking.
Where you say we can be just like you, who are you talking about because I don't think you could be [/i] my [/i] country.

Alright, that's it. Otherwise, Poem's great. Now, my edit:

It's not great being the one,
So Fat, Lazy, Blonde.
The one with stupid speling (deliberate spelling error)
Who's always hated on.

Just because we had a president,
Stupid as he was,
You can call us stupid, lousy, what not?

Even if you can't comprehend it,
I have feelings too.

So stop. Stop.
We can be good people
We can be like you.

We can help the world,
Don't gotta fight at every turn
And we're united.

There's something really there
Something that unites us
From the moment the American flag is raised.

So, I'm sorry I'm American
But that will never change.

Hope it didn't change any ideas too much. Anyway I'm a very novice reviewer and novice when it comes to poetry.

Hero out.

{b]First Impressions[/b]

The first thing that sticks out about this poem is how unpoetic it really is. From the language to the imagery to the very basis of the idea. I think that working with your language will really help you out here a lot. There are some really helpful tips on poetic language and tips on how to take your poetry to the next level in the Knowledge Base. I really thin if you take some time to check it out it'll really help your poetry.

On Content

The topic you have chosen is a pretty big one to tackle, and I appreciate that you decided to try, but I don't think that you took us far enough. The cliches of being an American are blaring in here, and it's all stuff that I have heard before. Yeah, we're fat, lazy, stupid, and some people will hate us for it, what's your point?

I think you need to delve into it more, and don't be afraid to give us more images. Describe really what it means to be over weight, and how laziness can play a big part in that. Don't be afraid to take the readers to a place that they may not wish to go. I think the main problem with this piece is that it feels like you were too hesitant to really get into the dirty details of stereotypes and the effect that they can have on the human psyche.

On Punctuation

In short, use some. I know that you know how to punctuate properly, and I really think that paying attention to using effective punctuation in poetry is something that people often forget.

There's something really there
Something that unites us
From the moment the American flag is raised.


I'm sorry I'm American
But that will never change.

There's something really there,
Something that unites us--
The moment the American flag is raised.


I'm sorry I'm American,
But that will never change.

I think that even just the addition of proper punctuation really changes the feel of the lines, and honestly it makes the reader feel like you have put some real thought into your writing.

Over All

You went for the big topic, but you didn't take us far enough. Really dig deep to pull forth the images that you want us to see/feel. I think that the last few lines are really lacking, especially the bit on the American Flag being raised and how it unites us. Not the image itself, but the lack of description. Even giving us an actual description of the flag being raised, the way that it makes any [patriotic] American feel.

I think that if you want this to really work as a poem, you can't be afraid to commit to the idea of it. Bring us into your images, rather than throwing them out at us.

I'd love to see a rewrite

Hope this helps,

OverEasy

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