Bat Island- part one of Chapter 2

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Cody opened his eyes to sunlight streaking through the trees. The scent of leaves and forest floor greenery filled his nose. Next to him, a leaf dripped leftover rainwater.
He tried to remember why he was lying on the ground. Had he fallen from his roost? If so, where was mother?

Cody pushed himself up and grimaced at the pain in his right side. He blinked a few times at the light shining in his eyes. Suddenly it all came back. The storm and the huge creature! For a second Cody thought it still might be nearby; he looked around nervously but saw nothing. Then he realized it was a dream. Yeah, that’s it. There was a storm last night, that would explain the screaming, and he had simply fallen from his roost. Then he had nightmare either during when that happened or after. But wouldn’t he have woken up?
A distant screech sounded in the distance, making Cody jolt upright. He recognized that screech- the same on from his dream. That meant it actually happened. A shiver ran down his furred back at the thought. This couldn’t be happening, he had been careful, so very careful, nothing happened to careful bats, right? Now he wasn’t so sure.

Cody looked around the strange woods. It sure wasn’t home; the trees were all different and it smelled funny.
He sat for a long time, trying to think of what to do. His ears twitched at every sound and every sign of movement made him jump. He sat there for so long he lost track of how long.

Suddenly Cody realized he was hungry. He hadn’t eaten since early yesterday. There were lots of bugs around here, Cody had seen them in the time he was sitting still.
Well, He thought might as well get up and see where I am.

Swallowing back a rush of fear, Cody spread his wings and, with some effort, took off. Careful to avoid branches, he spiralled up to the tree tops. He came out so sudden he let out a yelp. Cody dove back just under one of the branches. Panting, he waited for some giant creature to come and eat him. When nothing happened, he crept up the branch further and peered out. A warm breeze greeted him, it gently ruffled his fur. Cody gratefully breathed in the scent of the ocean. He could see it in the distance; a brighter blue than even the sky. He could even hear the distant waves lapping at the shore. The forest stretched on in front of him, different shades of green all the way to the ocean. Cody felt himself relax at the beauty of the view. He let out a sigh. It was a perfect day, there was no predator. There was a storm last night and he had simply fallen off his roost. He didn’t bother to question why he was in a strange woods. Suddenly he felt the urge to stretch his wings. He wanted to fly up, up high way into the open. Some part of him told him not to, but the urge to soar overwhelmed him. Cody didn’t even realize that it was so unlike him to do this.

Blankly, he lifted and rose higher and higher. His muzzle pointed straight up at the empty blue sky. He laughed with delight, never had he experienced anything so freeing. He wanted to keep flying forever, into the vast blue sky. Cody did a little spin, as he did, a movement caught the corner of his eye. A small dot in the distance. Something in his mind made him remember the creature from his dream, but Cody was having too much fun to realize that the speck was coming closer. Coming for him.

Part of Cody wanted to dive back into the safety of the trees, but he couldn’t move. It was exactly like his dream- except this time there was no wind or rain holding him back.
The creature drew nearer, Cody could see sharp teeth glinting in the sunlight. Now he didn’t feel like having fun, every fibre in him screamed to run. But he couldn’t, something was holding him back.

The creature was now even closer, it’s mouth was open. Cody was sure it was smiling. Suddenly he was aware of a sharp singing sound in his ears. It kept telling him to stay still, to not worry. Cody’s shook his head, trying to get the sound out of his head. It was coming from the creature. He had heard of hunting strategies like this; some of the larger carnivore bats could do it to bring in prey. But Cody had never suspected for it to happen to him.

The creature was practically on top of him, in a matter of seconds, Cody would be breakfast.
But he knew there was a chance, the creature had to stop singing in order to attack. In that split second he might- just might- have enough time to plunge down and out of the way. It almost surely wouldn’t work, but he had to give it a shot.
He readied himself. Three. Two. One.

Cody’s wings folded to do a dive. But he had miscalculated, he had counted of the creature snapping out with it’s jaws, but instead it used its claws. It’s talons lashed out and wrapped around Cody’s body. Pinning his wings against his sides so he couldn’t move.

They gained speed as huge wings above him beat faster and faster.

“Help!” He screamed, hoping that someone would hear him. But his voice was swept away by the wind.
“Quiet!” A raspy voice above him snarled. Cody felt the talons dig into his sides. There was no question what the bigger bat would do if Cody called out again.

The ground below flew by at a dizzying speed. Cody tried to look up at his captor, but he couldn’t move enough to see. A sense of hopelessness welled up in him. This was the last few minutes of his life. He tried to imagine what his mother would do. She would search for a few days, calling franticly for her son. Then she would have to give up, for a while she’d keep her eyes and ears open for him but after a few months, he would be forgotten. She would move on, maybe thinking of him once on a while, but that would be it. That’s how life goes, eventually you have to move on.

Cody sniffed back a tear. Why had he been so foolish? He knew better than to go out in the open. He was so busy being miserable he didn’t realize the change of scenery. Below, the trees thinned out then disappeared. The ground became black sand; only decorated with the occasional dead tree or jagged rock.

The predatory bat carrying Cody started to slow. Only then did Cody realize where he was- the Dark Land! It was where all the worst predators lived. Here there were no rules, only kill to eat and eat to kill.

Cody whimpered as they descended toward a dead tree. This looked like the border, he could still see the ridges that separated the Dark Land in the distance.
Above him, Cody could hear the giant wings curling inward to slow the landing. Still, the tree’s single branch came up at alarming speed. Cody yelled as he slammed into it face first. The creature let go roughly and stepped off him. Cody scrambled to his feet and turned around. Now he could finally see what his captor looked like- he wished he didn’t.

At first glance, it looked like he was wearing a mask, like some kind of bandit. But then Cody realized it was fur. Black fur surrounded the bat’s eyes on each side of his head. Narrowed, even darker eyes glared hatefully down at him. It had long pointed ears that slanted back, each one had several chunks torn out of them. Two claws instead of the usual one jutted from it’s wings. The whole creature was either dark grey or black; it matched the surrounding land perfectly.

It took one step toward Cody, in turn, he stepped back.
____________________________________________________________________________
Sorry to cut this off in the middle of stuff. If I hadn't, it would have been way too long. Let me know if you think that's a bad idea. And thanks for reading! :D
Last edited by Pretty Crazy on Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
Okay, you ended the story very abruptly here, you really shouldn't have, it is strange to end with such a sentence, maybe you would continue it?
Well, He

'He' should be 'he', small letters after a comma.
Cody’s shook his head

There shouldn't be the ''s' here, 'Cody' would have been enough.

Okay that's all for the mistakes, so I did like your story, but as I said before, don't end so abruptly. Hope you can edit this a little to make it better.

Good luck and keep writing!
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Hey there! I have to say, I'm really liking your story! I love bats; they're such fascinating creatures and so when I saw your story's title I just had to check it out. I read the prologue and first chapter, and everything I was going to say was already mentioned, so I decided to just leave it and review this piece since there aren't a lot of comments yet. :)

Anyways, there were some grammatical errors that I noticed, but virtually nothing plot or dialogue-wise that I saw.

Pretty Crazy wrote:Yeah, that’s it.


If this is a direct thought of his, it needs to be italicized. If it's not a thought, then you should change it to past tense, like "Yeah, that was it." Even there, I'm not sure whether you should use "yeah", because it's very casual and I dont' think you'd use it in writing (unless it's part of a character's dialogue).

Then he had a nightmare either during when that happened or after.


This couldn’t be happening, he had been careful, so very careful, nothing happened to careful bats, right? Now he wasn’t so sure.


^ I absolutely love this line! :D

He sat there for so long he lost track of how long.


Very repetitive here. Also, if he heard a shriek from the creature, wouldn't he be trying to hide or get away?

Well, He thought might as well get up and see where I am.


This should be formatted with his thoughts in italics, like so: Well, he thought, might as well get up and see where I am.

He came out so sudden he let out a yelp.


This confused me for a bit. Why was he so startled by coming out of the tree tops? Also, it should be "suddenly" not "sudden."

A warm breeze greeted him, it gently ruffled his fur.


"A warm breeze greeted him, gently ruffling his fur" would be better, though the line's rather clichéd.

He laughed with delight,semicolon never had he experienced anything so freeing. He wanted to keep flying forever, into the vast blue sky. Cody did a little spin, and as he did, a movement caught the corner of his eye. I don't think it would really catch the corner of his eye, but the corner of his eye would catch the movement. A small dot in the distance. Something in his mind made him remember the creature from his dream, but Cody was having too much fun to realize that the speck was coming closer. Coming for him.

Part of Cody wanted to dive back into the safety of the trees, but he couldn’t move.


The parts that I highlighted in green contradict each other. He didn't realize that it was coming towards him in one paragraph, and then the next paragraph, he's wanting to get away and hide. It just doesn't flow.

The creature was now even closer, it’s mouth was open.


"Its" not "it's." A good way to check whether you need to use the contraction form of a word or not (such as whether to use "you're" instead of "your", etc.) is to break the contraction into the two words it's made of; in this case, you'd read the story as "The creature was now even closer, it is mouth was open." Well, that obviously doesn't make any sense, so you know that you need to use "its" instead. :D

But Cody had never suspected for that it could to happen to him.


The creature was practically on top of him,semicolon in a matter of seconds, Cody would be breakfast.


But he had miscalculated, he had counted of the creature snapping out with it’s jaws, but instead it used its claws. It’s talons lashed out and wrapped around Cody’s body. P, pinning his wings against his sides so he couldn’t move.


She would search for a few days, calling franticly frantically for her son.


It took one step toward Cody, in turn, he stepped back.


"It took one step toward Cody, who, in turn, stepped back." works much better.


Okay, well that's it! I think you've got a great story here, and you just need to keep an eye on those pesky grammatical issues. ;) Please PM me when you post more!
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
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