uriel prologue and chapter 1

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Background info, I started on this book a few months ago, even uploaded a few chapters on here. I sorta gave up on it while still plotting but I read over everything I've written and plotted so far and shameless self pride I like it alot! So I think I'm gonna continue. Anyway the plot isn't near finished nor is any chapter after 1. I have made this new topic for the first chapter as I feel with all the little changes I made today, it deserves it. I feel, apart from commas etc, that chapter 1 is finished for now.... it still needs alot of work though
Every chapter will be done with the different pov characters thing which you'll probably notice I borrowed from a song of ice and fire. The book will not be short as the plot will be big!
OH AND the name gaylord was NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT put there for comedic reasons or laughs or as an immature bla bla bla. it is actually a name people and i decided that the character who i named gaylord needed the name gaylord no he is not gay he is very straight as you will probably find out later in the novel
Enjoy :) and review!
Prologue:
THE LOST CITY HAS BEEN FOUND
The excavation of Protila began
Near the city of Twintle by archaeologists
On Starday the 19th of Laguna.
The city last seen 3000 years ago
Was located by a local person of
Twintle. "He just said he was digging
To bury his dead dog and after a few
Feet of digging he saw what was the top
Of a column", lead archaeologist Steven
Oval has said.
The city last seen 3000 years ago and inhabited
By the Aryan people Was
Wiped out of the maps by a volcano or
So records say.

Chapter 1: a time for change
I.The Group
It was Marsday, the 21st of Laguna, and it was a day everyone in Castle Takenight would never forget as today was a very special day.
Tomorrow began the reign of Taylor, son of King Thruntle of Castle Takenight, as it was his 18th birthday. In the land of Uriel, when a prince or princess turns 18, they rightfully take over rule from their parents. They are only ruler by name until they marry their chosen suitor, who must also be 18.
Today was also special as after many years of friendship, The Group, as they were known by their parents, lived their final day together. They had lived all their lives together at Castle Takenight taking school and all, bar Ripple, had graduated today.
They had started the day off by graduating, all their parents in audience, followed by a big roast lunch.
After lunch they all got together for a game of soccer, which to them was tradition.Their parents, who followed tradition as much they did, didn't argue.
The soccer game was pretty much routine with Taylor's team always winning. But there was no tears, no fight, no argument.... it was all tradition. In the past 18 years, Taylor's team had won every game, and it became tradition that they win every game.
They than danced together in the great hall of the Castle Takenight, after the big feast that was dinner.
Taylor was dancing a waltz with his girlfriend and, in his mind, future wife Rossa; daughter of King Roland of Grail. Both had long blonde hair and the same silky smooth skin which would cause many to mistake them for twins instead of lovers.
Thimothy and Sanity, also lovers and both with black hair, were slow dancing together on the spot. They, having already been told about their arranged marriage, were to become the rulers of the city of Standsworth in two weeks when their 18th birthdays hit.
Gabriel and Seven, best friends, inseparable since birth and also the self proclaimed weirdos of The Group, weren't exactly dancing; more like they were jumping, which was unusual as the current song wasn't exactly written as a fast movement dance. Yet no one paid any mind as this was considered normal when one thought of the many things the two had done during the past 18 years.
Despite their current happiness, in the back of their mind lay a different emotion.
They were, along with Ripple, the only ones not to become royalty in the coming weeks and even Ripple, due to her already arranged marriage to Salador, future king of Twintle, had a future set up for her.
In a way Gabriel and Seven were actually happy that it wasn't their current future to become royalty. Tomorrow they were both to depart on their way to Protila to help with the current excavations going on there.
Salador and Ripple, also lovers despite the age difference, were doing a slow dance while humming along with the music. Salador, having turned 18 two months earlier, was already named king of Twintle. Yet, as Ripple who, they both were happy to discover, was his suitor, was only 16, his father still ruled the city. Salador, while annoyed with having to wait 2 years to become king, didn't mind as he told everyone when he found out, “I would rather not rule if I didn't have Ripple by my side anyway,” so he happily waited.
Gaylord was dancing with Stayla, his sister and current queen of Avary, while her husband, Razor, was at the high table conversing with King Thruntle. He knew that, as prince, he would be king of a city, yet, as his sister was older she became ruler to Avary along with Razor. He was happy to know that on the morrow he would discover his suitor and the land he was to rule over.
Rintol was not dancing so much as kissing his wife Flavour. Having become king of Castle Icewind two months ago, he was annoyed to discover that, as he had not yet graduated, at that time, he was only king by name. Despite this, he figured the fact that he could marry his girlfriend of 5 years and, he made sure, suitor had made up for it.
The great hall, where they were dancing, was just as the name itself described; It was pretty much the whole underground of the castle itself which wasn't small in the least.
Most of it was taken up by a empty floor mainly used for dancing, its current use, as whenever there was a ball in the castle many people showed up.
The rest of the room was taken up by the High table and the side table both situated in front of the kitchen where the servants were busy with cleaning up the dishes from that evenings dinner.
The parents happily chatted away, oblivious to the emotions of their children.
This dance was very special to The Group, as it was their final dance together, final night together, their final time together as one.
As they danced, their parents were discussing the fate of the world of Uriel in the next coming weeks. They decided that, while all of The Group was taking over, many problems are sure to arise once the power goes to their heads.....But changing the subject they decided to toast to the final weeks of their own reigns.
As the night was nearing its end, the children knew that they couldn't end their final night together like this.
Taylor, as the leader of The Group, walked up to the High table and pretty much annoyed the parents into giving them one last game of soccer. Knowing the significance the game would have on the night's end, the parents agreed.
Out the kids ran, followed by Thruntle, who refereed every match The Group had played, unless, of course, he was out of the city on business.
As usual the teams were, Taylor(Captian) Rossa, Salador, Rintol and Ripple on goalie(She may be young but there is no other goalie that can compare). And the other team was Gaylord(Captain), Thimothy, Gabriel, Sanity and Seven on goalie.
The game was not timed as it didn't usually last long so it finished when a team had scored 5 goals.
The whistle blew and they were off.
Gaylord won the kickoff against Taylor and ran up field fast as can be towards Ripple. One fast kick later and Ripple stood in front of the goal, ball in hand and tongue poking out.
Ripple rolled the ball to Salador and he dashed towards the direction of his goal, only to be tackled, literally, by Gabriel, who played it cool and went on with the game. Passing the ball to Thimothy, who was right in front of the goal, seemed the best idea and it turns out it was as Thimothy scored the first goal.
Unfortunately, this didn't mean much as right after kickoff Taylor decided to try his luck and kicked the ball full speed past Seven.
But both teams knew this was just the start as they stared down each other during the kickoff following the goal.
As Taylor and Gaylord went at each other, the ball went to no one and Sanity, running out of nowhere, gained possession and screaming like a mad person, started running towards Ripple's goal. But this did not sway Ripple in anyway as she had seen this every game yet this time she didn't go the correct direction and the goal was let in
This lead by Gaylord's team was short lived as Rossa, who hadn't touched the ball until now, scored two easy goals as she is known for at this point of the game.
The game ended as usual with Taylor followed by Ripple herself scoring the final two goals.
It was all just a routine game for them and no surprise nor anger about the ending for anyone. Just a routine game and it was in actual fact their true final dance together. Their final dance, final time and final night... It just didn't hit them yet.

II. Galador and Thruntle
Thruntle entered the office followed by Galador his best friend and king of neighbouring kingdom; Falicide.
“Well old boy.” Galador said as they sat down in their seats of the Triangle table. “Your last day,” He reminded Thruntle sadly.
“Yes, but it's been a good reign. Who would've thought it would end in peace?”
“A drink?” Galador asked his friend as he pulled out a bottle of whiskey and a couple glasses from his coat.
“Oh yes,” Thruntle said as he looked around the office which was pretty much empty, except for the Triangle table, as all of his belongings had already been removed to make way for his sons first day tomorrow. His eyes finally rested on the third and empty seat of the Triangle table.
“Yes poor Wadrick,” Galador said reading his friends mind, “But as you remember his power hungry mind got the best of him. Though I didn't really think the guillotine was the best way for him to go.... but you are king...”
Former King Wadrick of the city of Twintle was the best friend of Thruntle and Galador yet 5 years into their reigns Wadrick decided to let his power get the better of him and nearly started a war that would've changed the whole world of Uriel. Luckily Thruntle decided to put an end to it and, despite the many years of friendship, decided to end Wadrick for good.
“Correction I was king,” Thruntle said as he checked his pocket watch, “As of now I am officially not king.”
“Ah well,” Galador said raising his glass to Thruntle, “To the end of fun and the start of worry!” and they both drank after which Galador poured out more drink into both glasses.
“Yes,” Thruntle agreed, “Big worry. I mean Taylor is all a king should be; cocky, fearless and ready for war at a seconds notice... But than that is what scares me. But then that is what scares me, he could start a war over anything, anytime, without thinking it out.
“Bah his wife will set him straight. My Marie will be a great but tough wife. If anything you should be more worried if he will be able to put up with her more than anything else! Speaking of which how did he take it when you told him?”
“I ah... I haven't told him yet.” Thruntle replied guiltily while taking another drink...
“Dear sir, I must be blunt in saying that is the stupidest thing you have ever done. You do know that you now must be ready for a good amount of adolescent complaints!”
“Oh bugger it I hope he doesn't start a war against me,” Thruntle replied chuckling trying to lighten the moment well aware that he was pretty much fucked tomorrow.
“Luckily you have him trapped. I don't think he'd be dumb enough to call it off and start a war all on his first day.” Galador said uncertainly.
“Oh my friend... I hope.”
“Well my friend time to hit the hay, early exciting day ahead of us!” Galador said standing up and holding out his hand to his friend who shook it.
“Enjoy your last week as king Galador!” Thruntle said as Galador exited the room.
Galador's reign as King of Falicide was to end within the next week when his son Stranli turns 18.
Thruntle sat there for ten more minutes lost in thought about his son than decided to give up and walked towards the door.
He stood there and looked around the room one last time as he stepped out and sighed.
“I hope... Oh I hope.” He said as he closed the door.

III. Taylor
Hello first day as king and 18th birthday Taylor thought to himself lying on his bed as the sun rose in . Not gonna be easy but at least I'll have Rossa by my side he thought happily as he rose from the pillow. Ahh good he thought as he looked around and saw the whole room pretty much empty apart from the wardrobe, his bed and the clothes for the day. The servants must have already moved most of my stuff. Well lets go and be king. As he got changed he heard a knock at the door.
“Come in.” he said as he only had his shirt to put on.
In stepped Rossa who was crying which Taylor responded to by walking towards her ready to console her.
“Did you know about this?” She screamed at him while pushing him away.
“What?” He asked worried that something had gone wrong already on his first day.
“Y-Y-Y-Your arranged marriage.” She finally choked out.
“Excuse me. Arranged marriage?”
“Yes, She herself told me about it all casually during breakfast.”
“Who did?”
“Marie of Falicide.”
“What? This must be some kind of mistake. Wait here, I'm gonna go talk to my father about this.” he said exiting the room.
That bastard doing this without consulting me and he knows I can't back out of it.
He found his father sitting in silence staring into space in his fathers former, now his, office.
“Is it true?” he asked with force brining his father out of his peace.
“Is what true?” Thruntle asked knowing exactly what was coming.
“Did you arrange for me to be married to Marie of Falicide?” Taylor asked impatiently knowing full well his father was playing dumb.
“I sure did,” Thruntle said casually.
“ So I didn't even hear this from my own father? He just sets it up without my consent... I am king now you know but I have to hear this from Rossa's own lips. And you knew this didn't you? You knew I can't break it up because it would cause great distress the world over.” To go against an arranged marriage can really mess things up. To do so is like the biggest insult from one king to another. “You're a rotten bastard. I should have you publicly humiliated.” Not even king can have his family executed over something so small which to everyone else, bar Taylor and Rossa, is small.
“Oh son If only you knew, the life of a king isn't going to be easy. You yourself will probably end up doing exactly the same thing one day.”
“Bullshit,” Taylor said in doubt.
“Look,” Thruntle started with force, “I didn't do this to piss you off you know! You are my son and I only want the best for you. Now this was all arranged years ago and it had to happen! Had I not accepted when Galador asked on the day of your birth than I can't even start to imagine what would've happened. I am very sorry for it turning out this way but it had to happen to keep the peace in this world.”
“When is the wedding to be?” Taylor asked giving in knowing what his father said to be true.
“Tonight after the discussions,” Galador replied relieved that Taylor had given in.
Taylor, while not happy, understood and realised that one day he will probably have this exact discussion with his own son.
“Fine,” was all he said to his father as he left the room and told Rossa the news.

IV. Rossa
Princess Rossa The Third daughter to King Roland of Grail had her head buried in her pillow crying after just getting the whole matter confirmed from her love Taylor who was currently getting crowned.
But the whole matter wasn't over yet.
Knock knock
“Come in,” She said head still buried in the pillow.
She heard the door open and heard very familiar footsteps she decided belonged to her father no doubt coming in to console her over the matter.
“Oh darling,” Her father said, confirming her suspicions, “Come here.”
Her head rose from the pillow and saw her father and his thick beard that dropped to the floor.
“Oh daddy,” She said as she got off the bed and ran to embrace him, “You heard?”
“I sure did and I know, it is horrible but you must remember that Thruntle didn't want to do this. It is all politics. The life of a king is not an easy one. Just like the life of a father is not easy.”
“What do you mean?” She asked him worried that another bomb was to be dropped.
“Well I thought now you know about all of this it would be safe to tell you about your arranged marriage to Prince Gaylord who will be taking my place as king. I know it seems bad but the original suitor was some barbarian from Aryan but I finally managed to seal the deal. Now the wedding wont actually happen until you turn 18 next month but it is official. I thought it would be nice as you guys have been friends for a long time!” He said as if it was all fine and dandy.
“Nice? Did you say all of this was nice? Just leave! You guys and your politics always ruin everything good!”
Not wanting to see how bad it would all go had he stayed, King Roland left.
Rossa ran back to the bed and buried her head in the pillow “Oh Taylor my love.” she cried to herself. I wish I wasn't a princess.

V.Gaylord
Gaylord had just found out the news.
This is not good was the first thing to enter his mind. It felt like a betrayal to the years of friendship between him and Taylor. I'm not even king yet and already I've managed to make an enemy out of one of my best friends.
Knock Knock
“Come in,” Gaylord said reluctantly
The door opened and in stepped Taylor with a bad look on his face.
“You heard?” Gaylord asked.
“Yes,” Taylor said closing the door. “Listen my friend I know you didn't want this and I just wanted to make sure you know that it isn't your fault. I don't blame you at all as you had no choice in this decision. I just wanted to make sure everything was fine between us.”
“I'm glad to hear you say that as I would worried this will change everything! Don't worry I will make sure to take very good care of her.”
“Glad to hear it.” Taylor replied with a bit of uncertainty.
Gaylord decided not to notice and changed the subject, “So first day as king? How is it so far?”
“Oh good, you know just the crowning so far by my father but tonight is going to be tough with the first meeting of all the kings around Uriel! And than my wedding,”he ended unhappily
“Sounds like fun,” Gaylord said with a hint of jealousy in his voice wanting to be apart of the royal talks but as he wasn't officially a king yet even by name he couldn't take part.
“Oh my friend don't be jealous you'll get your day to shine,” Taylor reassured him knowing that Gaylord had a lot of ideas to better Uriel and he couldn't wait to put them out there!
“I sure hope so... well I must go apologise to Rossa that I'm the one she is marrying instead.”
“Don't be silly my friend! If I could've picked anyone bar myself to marry dear Rossa it would be you,”
“Thank you my friend,” replied Gaylord slightly reassured but still making his way towards the door. “Enjoy the discussions tonight and the wedding,” He said and left the room.

Vi. Gabriel and seven
“Proxima ulatra,” Seven said to Gabriel in their own created language which they used everywhere so no one knew what they were talking about which was usually always discussions about that nights prank on the castle.
“No not here,” He replied trying not to laugh.
“Oh come on,”
“No no no! There is a better time to do it,” He assured her.
The couple had decided that as it was their final day with all their friends as well as their final day in the castle they had to say goodbye as only they can; loads of people screaming, hard to clean up mess and something no one will forget... So they both stole some eggs, tar, feathers and permanent spray paint.
They were currently at the wedding of Taylor and Marie, in the castle chapel, which seemed like the perfect opportunity to set off everything but not to Gabriel who usually knew the right time to set everything off where as Seven was always the one who got everything together.... And even they didn't have the guts to mess around with a chapel!
“Fine, when?” Seven asked anxiously, knowing that after the wedding it may be too late as they were to finally set off for Protila.
What Gabriel had planned was during cake time, in the great hall, 1000 eggs would be thrown around the room with him and Seven screaming out, “We thought the cake needed more eggs!”
The tar and feathers would follow, of course, with them both claiming that the chickens were pissed that 1000 of their eggs were stolen.
The permanent spray paint, which was well.... permanent, was magically set up by Seven so that just one spray in the room and everyone would have the words, “Falitue ovalum abadrum,” spray painted on their foreheads; even theirs. The words, in their language, mean, “The Group shall reign forever.”
It went off and, as every prank of theirs does, successfully.

Vii Thimothy and Sanity
Thimothy and Sanity entered their room still covered in tar, feathers, eggs and spray paint. Both were crying. Not from the burning pain of the tar but from the fact that they had just seen three of their best friends off doubtful that they would see them for years. Salador had left just after the jokers which was even more tearful especially for Ripple.
They stood there hugging each other on the spot grateful, unlike many of the people who actually chased after the jokers for an hour until they left, that the jokers had done what they did. One final joke that lived upto what they were famous for for 18 years and a permanent reminder of their lives together sprayed on their foreheads for which they were also grateful; knowing those two they may have put it somewhere much more “fun” or so they would think.
It than hit them that in a week they would be going away from everyone.
The end had begun. Change had taken over!

Rintol
He descended the stairs
"Finally," he said to himself, "the day has come where I can leave this horrible place and its asshole people."
“Oh darling,” Flavour said to him reading his mind, “It hasn't been that bad living here.”
“Yeah sure it hasn't,” he started sarcastically, “Those 2 fucks always doing something stupid everyday and now this bullshit! Permanent spray paint? What were they fucking smoking? And I can't believe that I had to wait until I graduated to become king! What a load of crap. You know that apart from you, I have hated life here?” He asked her a question she has answered many times.
“Yes darling I know. But don't worry! Once the plan comes to life it will all be better!”
“Shame we have to wait ten years though,” Rintol said sadly.
“Yes I know but we can't do it now! We must catch them off guard... Don't worry! It will all work out.

Salador and ripple

“Hello darling,” Ripple heard as she entered the classroom ready for her first day of her final year.
Ripple screamed out as she turned around and nearly fainted as Salador appeared in front of her.
Salador, who she was sad to learn was going to work for his father for the next two years, who she tearfully bade goodbye to last night, was standing in front of her this very minute.
“What are you doing here?” She asked completely shocked.
“I wanted to surprise you,” he said with a smile happy that he did just that, “I told my father to stuff the job up his ass and I talked Miss. Clemins into giving me the teachers assistant job.”
“You took it just for me?” she said in tears.
“Darling you know I would do anything for you and can you imagine 2 years without seeing you? Dad would probably kill me from my complaining,” He said seriously.
They hugged until class started and those next 2 years, even though they lacked The Group as a whole, were 2 years they would never forget!
Last edited by tigs6969 on Fri Mar 05, 2010 10:55 am, edited 4 times in total.




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It was Marsday, the 21st of Laguna, and it was a day everyone in Castle Takenight would never forget as today was a very special day.

Tomorrow began the reign of Taylor, son of King Thruntle of Castle Takenight, as it was his 18th birthday. In the land of Uriel, when a prince or princess turns 18, they rightfully take over rule from their parents. They are only ruler by name until they marry their chosen suitor, who must also be 18.

Today was also special as after many years of friendship, The Group, as they were known by their parents, lived their final day together. They had lived all their lives together at Castle Takenight taking school and all, bar Ripple, had graduated today.

They had started the day off by graduating, all their parents in audience, followed by a big roast lunch.

After lunch they all got together for a game of soccer, which to them was tradition, for each day after lunch doesnt make sense- read again so their parents, knowing to do so would cause big trouble with a group of adolescent kids who, in a few weeks, would all, bar Ripple Gabriel and Seven, be running Uriel, didn't argue. woah. this paragraph needs serious work. it doesnt make sense at all.

The soccer game was pretty much routine with, as always, Taylor's team winning. Try, the soccer game was pretty much routine with Taylor's team always winning But there was no tears, no fight, no argument.... it was all a routine game. try to not use the word routine again In the past 18 years, Taylor's team had won every game, and it became tradition that they win every game.

They than danced together in the great hall of the Castle Takenight, after the big feast that was dinner.

Taylor was dancing a waltz with his girlfriend and, in his mind, future wife Rossa; daughter of King Roland of Grail. Both had long blonde hair and the same silky smooth skin which would cause many to mistake them for twins instead of lovers.

Thimothy and Sanity, also lovers and both with black hair, were slow dancing together on the spot. They, having already been told about their arranged marriage, were to become the rulers of the city of Standsworth in two weeks when their 18th birthdays hit.

Gabriel and Seven, best friends, inseparable since birth and also the self proclaimed weirdos of The Group, weren't exactly dancing; more like they were jumping, which was unusual as the current song wasn't exactly written as a fast movement dance. Yet no one paid any mind as this was considered normal when one thought of the many things the two had done during the past 18 years.

Despite their current happiness, in the back of their mind lay a different emotion.

They were, along with Ripple, the only ones not to become royalty in the coming weeks and even Ripple, due to her already arranged marriage to Salador, future king of Twintle, had a future set up for her. This doesn't make sense either. Reword

In a way Gabriel and Seven were actually happy that it wasn't their current future to become royalty, as tomorrow they were both to depart on their way to Protila to help with the current excavations going on there. Perhaps split into two sentances

Salador and Ripple, also lovers despite the age difference, were doing a slow dance while humming along with the music. Salador, having turned 18 two months earlier, was already named king of Twintle. Yet, as Ripple who, they both were happy to discover, was his suitor, was only 16, his father still ruled the city. Salador, while annoyed with having to wait 2 years to become king, didn't mind as he told everyone when he found out, “I would rather not rule if I didn't have Ripple by my side anyway,” so he happily waited. Serious run-on sentance here. This could be split up into two or three for clearer and easier reading

Gaylord was dancing with Stayla, his sister and current queen of Avary, while her husband, Razor, was at the high table conversing with King Thruntle. He knew that, as prince, he would be king of a city, yet, as his sister was older she became ruler to Avary along with Razor. He was happy to know that on the morrow he would discover his suitor and the land he was to rule over.

Rintol was not dancing so much as kissing his wife Flavour. Having become king of Castle Icewind two months ago, he was annoyed to discover that, as he had not yet graduated, at that time, he was only king by name. Despite this, he figured the fact that he could marry his girlfriend of 5 years and, he made sure, suitor had made up for it.

The great hall, where they were dancing, was just as the name itself described; It was pretty much the whole underground of the castle itself which wasn't small in the least.

Most of it was taken up by a empty floor mainly used for dancing, its current use, as whenever there was a ball in the castle many people showed up.

The rest of the room was taken up by the High table and the side table both situated in front of the kitchen where the servants were busy with cleaning up the dishes from that evening's dinner.

The parents happily chatted away, oblivious to the emotions of their children.

This dance was very special to The Group, as it was their final dance together, final night together, their final time together as one.

As they danced, their parents were discussing the fate of the world of Uriel in the next coming weeks. They decided that, while all of The Group was taking over, many problems are sure to arise once the power goes to their heads.....But changing the subject they decided to toast to the final weeks of their own reigns.

As the night was nearing its end, the children knew that they couldn't end their final night together like this.

Taylor, as the leader of The Group, walked up to the High table and pretty much annoyed the parents into giving them one last game of soccer. Knowing the significance the game would have on the night's end, the parents agreed.

Out the kids ran, followed by Thruntle, who refereed every match The Group had played, unless, of course, he was out of the city on business.

As usual the teams were, Taylor(Captian) Rossa, Salador, Rintol and Ripple on goalie(She may be young but there is no other goalie that can compare). And the other team was Gaylord(Captain), Thimothy, Gabriel, Sanity and Seven on goalie.

The game was not timed as it didn't usually last long so it finished when a team had scored 5 goals.

The whistle blew and they were off.

Gaylord won the kickoff against Taylor and ran up field fast as can be towards Ripple. One fast kick later and Ripple stood in front of the goal, ball in hand and tongue poking out.

Ripple rolled the ball to Salador and he dashed towards the direction of his goal, only to be tackled, literally, by Gabriel, who played it cool and went on with the game. Passing the ball to Thimothy, who was right in front of the goal, seemed the best idea and it turns out it was as Thimothy scored the first goal.

Unfortunately, this didn't mean much as right after kickoff Taylor decided to try his luck and kicked the ball full speed past Seven.

But both teams knew this was just the start as they stared down each other during the kickoff following the goal.

As Taylor and Gaylord went at each other, the ball went to no one and Sanity, running out of nowhere, gained possession and screaming like a mad person, started running towards Ripple's goal. But this did not sway Ripple in anyway as she had seen this every game yet this time she didn't go the correct direction and the goal was let in.

This lead by Gaylord's team was short lived as Rossa, who hadn't touched the ball until now, scored two easy goals as she is known for at this point of the game.

The game ended as usual with Taylor followed by Ripple herself scoring the final two goals.

It was all just a routine game for them and no surprise nor anger about the ending for anyone. Just a routine game and it was in actual fact their true final dance together. Their final dance, final time and final night... It just didn't hit them yet.





Wow.

First of all, it was a clever and well-written story!

You gave lots of good details so I could visualize the setting.

Now, let's get to grammar and punctuation. Seriously! You need to add commas to make the sentances flow easier! The commas I added above are in red. You also suffer from what I call Run-On-Sentance-Itis. Most of the sentances in the story could have been broken down!

Very fluid, smooth writing!

*Taylor*
~formerly Ilovebubbles123

"There's only one thing
to do
three words
for you.
Ooh, I love you.

There's only one way
to say
those three words
that's what I'll do.
Ooh, I love you. "

For you.




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Ilovebubbles123 wrote:Wow.

First of all, it was a clever and well-written story!

<_< >_> I've never recieved such a compliment :oops:
Ilovebubbles123 wrote:You gave lots of good details so I could visualize the setting.

Glad to see you found that, I must say I tried not to describe like mad... I've learnt from my hero, Agatha Christie, that you don't always have overdo it with the describing. Describe but not like its the only thing you are there to do... You are there to tell a story :P
Ilovebubbles123 wrote:Now, let's get to grammar and punctuation. Seriously! You need to add commas to make the sentances flow easier! The commas I added above are in red. You also suffer from what I call Run-On-Sentance-Itis. Most of the sentances in the story could have been broken down!

Ah yes my downfall, I have been told countless times that I can write a story and keep it interesting but when it comes to grammar and punctuation I suck. Thankyou very much for the corrections! And also thanks alot for reading and for the review. I was sorta wondering if I still could write because I stopped for about a year and this story is meant to be my big come back :)
Ilovebubbles123 wrote:Very fluid, smooth writing!

This helps easy my worries :P
edit:
Ilovebubbles123 wrote:They were, along with Ripple, the only ones not to become royalty in the coming weeks and even Ripple, due to her already arranged marriage to Salador, future king of Twintle, had a future set up for her. This doesn't make sense either. Reword

I see no problem at all with this sentence. It tells the reader that along with Ripple they wont be becoming royalty yet Ripple, who is marrying Salador, will be.




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anyone else wanna review it :)?
also chapter 2 will be up within next week. im still writing it, just wrote my actual fave part of the book so far and a part im very proud of. still trying to decide what characters may need a presence in the chapter etc. very exciting :P and whether to put more of a town in or leave it for later.




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review and ill upload a picture of my kitten :D?




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Hello Tigs, I came to review as I promised.

Ok so I see that some nit-picks have already been addressed, but I have a couple more to add. Nothing major, it will just help it flow better.

“NICE? Did you say all of this was nice?


Change nice into lower case letters. Its just a rule that writers use because your writing should be able to express your tone and you shouldn't need caps to do that for you.

he said as if it was all fine and dandy


Two things with this sentence, before this there is an exclamation mark so you need to change he to He. And you also need a period at the end here.

Their parents, knowing to do so would cause big trouble with a group of adolescent kids who, in a few weeks, would all, bar Ripple Gabriel and Seven, be running Uriel, didn't even try to break the tradition that they helped create.


This got me a little confused. I think it's just a case of re-wording it a bit. Try something like: Their parents, who knew that breaking the tradition was a bad idea, didn't argue. Something like that. You have already told us that they are going to rule so we don't need to know that again.

But than that is what scares me. He could start a war over anything anytime without even thinking it out.”


You need to change this to: But then that is what scares me, he could start a war over anything anytime without thinking it out."
The rules of punctuation say that you put a period when the two sentences stand alone, and a comma when there is no need for a connective. But then that is what scares me... it needs something after it if you see what I mean.

Ok, I think that, that is it for the nit-picking. :D

I really enjoyed this it is very well written and ambitious with all those different people. I will go and read the other chapters but unless I find mistakes to pick at then I won't review all of them because I expect that they will be really good.

As Ilovebubbles said your punctuation needs a little work but that will improve the more you write and review things.

Well Done!
Keep Writing
~Lydia

(P.s. I clicked the like button!)
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?




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I am going to be brutal. Consider it tough love, because this needs it.

This is in a similar place as the other piece of yours that I reviewed today. You need to strengthen your base on grammar. Your sentence structure is atrocious and confusing; other critics have pointed out places where your writing is almost impossible to understand. Not only is your prose confusing but it's also awkward, clunky, and passive. The awkward clunky chunkiness comes from unnecessary words and phrases, comma abuse and poor syntax, as well as passive verbs. A better base in grammar could wipe away most of the problem. As a writer it's important that you learn how grammar and language work, so you can use it as a tool, a weapon to get your point across.

Let's look at this gem:

Salador and Ripple, also lovers despite the age difference, were doing a slow dance while humming along with the music. Salador, having turned 18 two months earlier, was already named king of Twintle. Yet, as Ripple who, they both were happy to discover, was his suitor, was only 16, his father still ruled the city. Salador, while annoyed with having to wait 2 years to become king, didn't mind as he told everyone when he found out, “I would rather not rule if I didn't have Ripple by my side anyway,” so he happily waited.


In bold is where it's really incoherent.
A lot of this passage could be fixed with some minor rewording. Below is how I would do it:

Salador and Ripple, also lovers despite the age difference, were doing a slow danceslow-danced, while humming along with the music. Salador, having turned 18 two months earlier, was already named king of Twintle. Yet, as Ripple who, they both were happy to discover, was his suitor, was only 16, his father still ruled the city.--> Salador, having turned 18 months earlier, was named king of Twintle, but only by name, as Ripple was his suiter and yet sixteen; his father remained king of the city.Salador, while annoyed with having to wait 2 years to become king, didn't mind as he told everyone when he found out, “I would rather not rule if I didn't have Ripple by my side anyway,” so he happily waited.


You use a lot of awkward transitions. While is a major one for you, but "yet" and "as" add some clunk, too. There's obviously a difference between styles. You won't correct your work the way I would. My sentence is merely an example of how you can steamline your word through rewording.

Passivity. It's a problem that plagues your prose. Passive prose is when the something is being done/happening to the subject of your sentence, rather than the subject doing something.

Example:
Plums were defying.
Plums defied.

Which one packs more punch? Granted, this is a simple example, lifted from Stephen King's On Writing (which is a great little book, by the way, totally worth the money.) You can't do the Plums defy test on every sentence to see if it's passive and if you can give it more punch. How it works:

"Plums" is the subject of the sentence. If the plums were defying, then something was happening to them. It also implies that they were in the process of defiance, whereas "plums defied" is more direct, and implies that they got the defiance over with, that it happened, that it was concrete. With more complex sentences, the "plums defy" sentence may not work because a different structure may have more merit, so you should keep your options open, but when there's action, when people are actually doing something, "plums defy" is what I use to make sure that my verbs are actually dynamic.

I cannot stress how important verbs can be.

Passive ones are conjugations of the "to be" verb: is, was, were, did, are, etc... these are linking verbs and while they are incredibly useful, they can also weigh your prose down when you don't need them. They're main and most useful purpose is as the verb in your sentence when all you have is a subject and the second half of your predicate (every part of the sentence that is not the subject. The verb is so important that I count it as an entire half of your clause.)

Example: He was a purple magician. You are describing "him", the subject, as a purple magician. It's apparent how much your sentence would suck without that linking verb.

End grammar lesson, onto more content-based things.

Like your beginning.
It fell flat. You info-dumped on the reader. You threw at us names, titles, vague descriptions of things and routines but no real characters. You gave us figurines without faces. Your first chapter was just information, and I thought it was boring and ineffective. I don't care if everyone ended up with the "suitor" they wanted. (A suitor implies that the person courted them, was a candidate for marriage rather than the actual choice. DICTION.) The problem is that you don't give the reader someone to care about. If, perhaps, there was a character who seemed like an actual person, who's head the reader actually got into and followed around and experienced all this information with, it would have been much more interesting. I think it's important to introduce a character being a person, doing something and being interesting on the first page, because readers connect to characters, someone they can empathize with. Think of it this way: not only can the character be the story, they can be the bridge that the reader uses to reach the story.

And all you give us are faces, without reason to care about them. Oh, they're royal. Oh, they're graduating and in love. None of that makes a difference unless you SHOW SHOW SHOW SHOW us them being people, instead of TELLING US about who they are. It accomplishes nothing, except boredom.

SHOW. don't tell. Give us a scene, like in your second chapter, which is thoroughly more engaging then the first. Immediately the reader is given a character, a real person. Not only that, but this character is doing something.

I would advise switching your first and second chapters. It would take of the pressure to info-dump off the first chapter and it would be more interesting beginning, I think. [grain of salt, etc..]

And now some nit picky things. (I am even more long winded in real life -- be glad that you don't know me in person.)

Aryans -- at first this threw me off, had me thinking "ooh, an alternate history maybe?" and then I saw archaeology, and went "score!" If so, points for the both of us. If not, you have a potential problem. Aryans were an actual Eurasian people, originally nomadic before taking over the Harrapan civilization in the Indus River valley.

Soccer -- not only is it a blatant lift from a civilization that probably isn't part of your characters, at all (at least, I see no evidence of it), but the wording makes no sense. It's so American (and I say this as an American) that it's a glaring reminder that this is a story. If you think about it, even if these people did have soccer, why would they call it soccer? It makes no sense, because soccer is a silly name for it. Football makes far more sense, and the rest of the world agrees.

I nitpick about things like the word soccer because I'm a devout disciple of Limyaael, who writes great rants on sci-fi and fantasy. You should look her up. Just know that this colours my opinions on world-building.

one of them is that cultural details should be noticeable and not at the same time. They should be part of the tapestry of the world. Sometimes you have holes in the fabric. If they're small, few will notice. If they aren't, well. Sometimes you'll have colours that don't make sense or a screwed-over stitch. Sometimes it's condonable, sometimes it's not. I would get more opinions on the use of something like soccer, as other opinions on what is acceptable and what's silly will be different.

I have book suggestions for you:
On Style by Strunk and White
On Writing by Stephen King
both are incredibly informative. The Strunk and White book goes through grammar, over all the basics and the intricacies and how to use it. On writing is thoroughly enjoyable. I don't know what else you're reading but read more of everything, from poetry to fantasy to essays and plays, and see how the words are put together, what sounds and reads well and what doesn't. Pay attention to how other people put their prose together -- it will help you get a feel for piecing your sentences together.

Keep polishing your skills. If you have any questions, PM me; I'll be happy to answer them. Keep writing -- practice is key.
Blah blah blah blah?




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Thank you for your review. Again I agree with most of what you said and I really dunno how chapter 1 and 2 changing would work but I guess i havent seen till i tried. I will try to put all you have suggested in effect in due time but right now I'm trying to finish the story and get it all out of my head before I experiment with changing it

bear wrote:Aryans -- at first this threw me off, had me thinking "ooh, an alternate history maybe?" and then I saw archaeology, and went "score!" If so, points for the both of us. If not, you have a potential problem. Aryans were an actual Eurasian people, originally nomadic before taking over the Harrapan civilization in the Indus River valley.

Soccer -- not only is it a blatant lift from a civilization that probably isn't part of your characters, at all (at least, I see no evidence of it), but the wording makes no sense. It's so American (and I say this as an American) that it's a glaring reminder that this is a story. If you think about it, even if these people did have soccer, why would they call it soccer? It makes no sense, because soccer is a silly name for it. Football makes far more sense, and the rest of the world agrees.

This I must comment on
Aryans was just a random word I Typed, ten seconds later I could've typed the word "Himtops" and that would've been it instead. Nothing behind it except the fingers that typed it.
And soccer will probably not be changed. I'm australian. I dont call it football nor does anyone in australia I think. Ah I like that you asked why they called it soccer... if you continue reading you will find out. To tell one now would ruin the ending and a writer must have their secrets.
Chapter 1 I agree was too info dumping BUT thats why I put it there. pretty much to remind myself of everything because my memory is... well crap. I still havent finished the story at all so as I said I'll experiment and draft and draft and draft when I've gotten everything on paper.
Thanks again for the review
Thanks again




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gonna bump all my chapters




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Heya :)
Here to review as requested!

You've had some pretty good reviews here, especially from bear! I'm not going to give you an extremely thorough review, everyone else has already done that. I don't want to repeat what others have said now, do I? I'm just going to say what I liked, what I didn't like and what I think that you need to improve on.

I agree with what others have said, your grammar isn't the best I've ever seen. A lot of readers get confused when it comes to grammar and you seem to be one of them. Bear has actually given you a very good example on how to improve this. He's also pointed out what you are doing wrong very well. Without correct grammar, a story becomes very awkward to read. Because of that, a reader will not want to read on when he or she is reading your work. Awkward grammar destroys the flow of the story and the flow of a story is far more important than most people think.

Another thing I noticed that you seemed to tell and not show. Remember; don't tell us how a character feels, show us. Don't tell us what the character did exactly, show us what they did. Showing instead of telling is far more effective. Tell us how your character can feel their heart spilling out of their chest, how they feel as though the world around them is spinning manically. Don't tell us that they feel sad, show us that they feel sad. Do you understand what I mean? The strange thing is the fact that sometimes, you do this very, very well! :wink:

Although this isn't normally the kind of story I would read, it was pretty good! There were a lot of negatives but the content itself was very good. I also like the idea of the story, as well. All that you need to do is polish this up a bit. If you do that, I really do think that this could be a really great story!

Sorry if this review hasn't been much help, everyone else pointed out what I would have said. Just take into account what us reviewers have said!

Keep writing and good luck with this,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Skins wrote:Heya :)
Here to review as requested!

You've had some pretty good reviews here, especially from bear! I'm not going to give you an extremely thorough review, everyone else has already done that. I don't want to repeat what others have said now, do I? I'm just going to say what I liked, what I didn't like and what I think that you need to improve on.

I agree with what others have said, your grammar isn't the best I've ever seen. A lot of readers get confused when it comes to grammar and you seem to be one of them. Bear has actually given you a very good example on how to improve this. He's also pointed out what you are doing wrong very well. Without correct grammar, a story becomes very awkward to read. Because of that, a reader will not want to read on when he or she is reading your work. Awkward grammar destroys the flow of the story and the flow of a story is far more important than most people think.

Another thing I noticed that you seemed to tell and not show. Remember; don't tell us how a character feels, show us. Don't tell us what the character did exactly, show us what they did. Showing instead of telling is far more effective. Tell us how your character can feel their heart spilling out of their chest, how they feel as though the world around them is spinning manically. Don't tell us that they feel sad, show us that they feel sad. Do you understand what I mean? The strange thing is the fact that sometimes, you do this very, very well! :wink:

Although this isn't normally the kind of story I would read, it was pretty good! There were a lot of negatives but the content itself was very good. I also like the idea of the story, as well. All that you need to do is polish this up a bit. If you do that, I really do think that this could be a really great story!

Sorry if this review hasn't been much help, everyone else pointed out what I would have said. Just take into account what us reviewers have said!

Keep writing and good luck with this,

xoxo Skins



Thanks for the review was very helpful. As I have said to many people all I want to do atm is really get everything out of my head and onto paper than I'll worry about setting it out for true readability. I've never been a really good one for writing completely perfect off the bat, like my hero Agatha Christie, I have always been a dialogue person with a strong dislike in describing.
All I really hope to know from reviews right now is how interesting my tale sounds, how the character changing is, is the dialogue believeable, are the characters likeable, chapter too long/too short etc... I already know my writing isn't 100% readable right now but again all I'm hoping to know is is the creative spark still in my brain :).
Thanks again.




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Sorry it took me a while to get to this. Anyway, comments in red.

tigs6969 wrote:Background info, I started on this book a few months ago, even uploaded a few chapters on here. I sorta gave up on it while still plotting but I read over everything I've written and plotted so far and shameless self pride I like it alot! So I think I'm gonna continue. Anyway the plot isn't near finished nor is any chapter after 1. I have made this new topic for the first chapter as I feel with all the little changes I made today, it deserves it. I feel, apart from commas etc, that chapter 1 is finished for now.... it still needs alot of work though
Every chapter will be done with the different pov characters thing which you'll probably notice I borrowed from a song of ice and fire. The book will not be short as the plot will be big!
OH AND the name gaylord was NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT put there for comedic reasons or laughs or as an immature bla bla bla. it is actually a name people and i decided that the character who i named gaylord needed the name gaylord no he is not gay he is very straight as you will probably find out later in the novel Author's notes actually annoy some people so you might want to drop them. ^^
Enjoy :) and review!
Prologue:
THE LOST CITY HAS BEEN FOUND
The excavation of Protila began
Near the city of Twintle by archaeologists
On Starday the 19th of Laguna.
The city last seen 3000 years ago
Was located by a local person of
Twintle. "He just said he was digging
To bury his dead dog and after a few
Feet of digging he saw what was the top
Of a column", lead archaeologist Steven
Oval has said.
The city last seen 3000 years ago and inhabited
By the Aryan people Was
Wiped out of the maps by a volcano or
So records say.

Mind telling me what's up with the funky formatting? It's annoying and I don't see why it's done that way. I can't even read through it because I'm really annoyed by the formatting.

Chapter 1: a time for change
I.The Group
It was Marsday, the 21st of Laguna, and it was a day everyone in Castle Takenight would never forget, as today was a very special day. First, I think the last part is a dangling modifier and I'm not too sure about it. Also, it would be better if you could show us how special it was.
Tomorrow began the reign of Taylor, son of King Thruntle of Castle Takenight, as it was his 18th birthday. In the land of Uriel, when a prince or princess turns 18, they rightfully take over rule from their parents. They are only ruler by name until they marry their chosen suitor, who must also be 18. Lots of infodumping here.
Today was also special as after many years of friendship, The Group, as they were known by their parents, lived their final day together. They had lived all their lives together at Castle Takenight taking school and all, bar Ripple, had graduated today.
They had started the day off by graduating, all their parents in audience, followed by a big roast lunch.
After lunch they all got together for a game of soccer, which to them was tradition.Their parents, who followed tradition as much they did, didn't argue. Laundry-lists aren't good for a story. He did this, she did that, he did that. I have a feeling that we could learn all those over the course of the beginning.
The soccer game was pretty much routine with Taylor's team always winning. But there was no tears, no fight, no argument.... it was all tradition. In the past 18 years, Taylor's team had won every game, and it became tradition that they win every game. Whaaa...? Wouldn't people at least try to win? The way you said it, it's as if Taylor's team was allowed to win just because they won every year.
They than danced together in the great hall of the Castle Takenight, after the big feast that was dinner.
Taylor was dancing a waltz with his girlfriend and, in his mind, future wife Rossa; daughter of King Roland of Grail. Both had long blonde hair and the same silky smooth skin which would cause many to mistake them for twins instead of lovers.
Thimothy and Sanity, also lovers and both with black hair, were slow dancing together on the spot. They, having already been told about their arranged marriage, were to become the rulers of the city of Standsworth in two weeks when their 18th birthdays hit. They have the same birthdays? 0o


That was where I stopped.

You lost me there because you threw names at me, and they were just that - names. Faceless, personality-less names. It's like we're walking down the street, the narrator and I, and you point at a stranger and say, "Oh hey that's Bob." and then point to another person and say, "That's John, and beside him is Joe."

Five minutes later, if you ask me who is who, I won't be able to answer unless they have very distinctive marks. Likewise, you want me to remember the characters, right? So you have to give me something to remember them by. Maybe show me their recklessness, or their bravery or their jerk-like attitude.

Something for me to remember them by.

Also, I believe that you can shake up your sentence patterns. Right now it's the same thing over and over. Chane some patterns.

Finally, all those infodumpy stuff can be revealed through little bits in the story later on. For example, the golden hair thing. You can have someone ask Taylor if he could dance with his "sister" Rossa and have Taylor laugh it off or something.

Show us, don't tell us.

Finally, this isn't the start of your story. You ought to start your story as late as possible. The story starts when you can't summarize stuff anymore. From what I've read you could have summarized it into, "The entire Group graduated." Show us the beginning of the story. ^^

Anyway, this review is 100% opinion. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000



Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman