Desist

4 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1277
Reviews 3
My failures follow my footsteps;
To try to stop them it's all I can do.
They know where I've not been yet;
Where ever I go they seem to go to.

In dark, I followed fake light
On pathways that were golden.
They led me to some new heights
They went out; I was sold, and
I learned I was scared of night.
That's right, I am a scared man

Next few months, I lost feelings.
Some one came who understood;
I told them of my dealings.
They listened, best as they could.
Felt Good, all the scars healing.

What do I decide to do?
I take it one step too far,
Does morning come without dew?
"Attention" you could be marred.
Now I'm back to what I knew;
Uncool, held back from restart.

I'm trailed by great disasters.
What happens when life's too fast,
And you can't break the chapters,
Of your heart's constant collapse?

I want to be rid of this,
But it is hard to hold on.
My willpower can't resist,
The sweetest of evil's songs.
"Help me lord, to carry on."
I ask only to just desist.
"I've been put down and let down
But I've been touched cared for and held onto
Cried many times make this right
Words were whispered then change your fight"




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1644
Reviews 4
Hi thelastofhisclan, A wonderful poem with a very good rhythm to it. Being a musician, I can even feel the tune. Anchees (India)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15961
Reviews 661
Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

I love the rhyme in this piece, it's very effective. I love;
"And you can't break the chapters".

This is a little bumpy in places so I'd try reading it aloud so that you can get a better sense of the sound of it, for example;
"They led me to some new heights
They went out; I was sold, and."


I'd cut references to footsteps,pathways, darkness and scars and use imagery that is more specific to the speaker. Why does the speaker feel like this? Where is he/she, how do people respond to him/her?

The best thing you can do is read poetry.

Hope this helps.

Jas
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1277
Reviews 3
Thanks,I'll work on this
"I've been put down and let down
But I've been touched cared for and held onto
Cried many times make this right
Words were whispered then change your fight"



But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane