)Corpsemen: Politically Correct Zombies
It’s hard to believe that only a week ago today, not only did the entire world learn of the existence of supernatural creatures, but also a major political controversy was started. The man at fault: our very own president. Here, I believe I should quote the President for all those who have been too oblivious to current events to understand what I am talking, er, writing about:
“Citizens of this beautiful country, I have recently received some disturbing news that I feel obliged to share with you. No longer can we pass such creatures as werewolves, vampires, and zombies off as legend. As it turns out, many of the ‘fiction’ authors of current times, and, in Bram Stoker’s case, times long ago, were telling the truth. At first, when someone mentioned the undead, we thought only of Dracula, but times have progressed since then. It has been learned that there are many subspecies of vampires. There are the Dracula kind, cunning and tricky, feeding off of the blood of innocent people. There are the vampires of Anne Rice’s works, though I cannot tell you exactly what type those are; I was only briefly briefed on this topic and have sadly never read her books. And, as I’m sure many teenage girls (and perhaps jewelry store employees) will be ‘happy’ to learn that there are Edward Cullen-type vampires as well, all sparkly and ‘vegetarian.’ However, the information of these vampires is by no means the most pressing. They are reclusive creatures and wish us no mass harm, only to continue picking unsuspecting humans (or in some cases grizzly bears) off one by one as a means of survival. No, we have no reason to worry about them.
“It is the zombies that are to be feared. They wish to cause mass destruction. They want to kill us all and harvest our brains for a grand, celebratory feast. Though in movies they have been depicted as slow, thick, almost comatose creatures, this is not true. Once again Hollywood has messed with the facts to make their movies more profitable. In reality, zombies are fast, cunning, and clever, only distinguishable from living human beings by a faint yellowish tinge to the skin, easily passed off to liver failure (unfortunately, that does play a bit of a part as, you know, they don’t actually have functioning organs; also, they are possessed by horrible cases of fetor hepaticus). They are to be feared, and, to any of you filthy creatures out there watching, if there is any sign of attack, we, the United States of America, will use all our force to destroy you.”
He was readily backed in his threat of war by several other fearful leaders, but when questioned by them on the briefly mentioned werewolves, his only reply was, “Too little is known about them for me to comment.”
As it turns out, zombies are actually fairly nice beings, even if they do have that -- as the president so accurately described it -- horrible breath. (Fetor hepaticus is not a pleasant thing, people.) Quite frankly, they were offended by his threat of war (“What about the vampires? Truthfully, they pose a larger threat; I’ve met a lot in my time, and they despise humans.”) and even more offended by his derogatory name for their race. They organized themselves into a union, and appointed a spokesperson to approach the President with their solution. Instead of being referred to as zombies, they would like to be called corpsemen, as they find it much more sophisticated and much less insulting. “Zombie is such a hateful word,” commented one, tastefully dressed corpseman. “We just wish to be treated with respect.”
This somewhat simple action was met with strong views from both sides of the argument. The President and many of his supporters refused to comply to the corpsemen’s wishes. Just as many, however, have seen “the common sense” in the idea. (“They seem nice enough; why can’t we just work with them?”) Other, less eloquent and less interested parties that shall remain unnamed have stated: “Who cares what they’re called? I just want my dinner.” (Let it be known that the person quoted was stopped by one of our field reporters outside of a steakhouse.)
The argument rages on, and neither side is showing signs of giving up. The corpsemen have stuck to more civilized tactics and tried to speak reasonably, even taking the time to learn how to compose a PowerPoint presentation, but the President and supporters are still stubbornly refusing to stop calling them zombies. They have resorted to immature attacks such as tee-peeing many of their graveyards and, in one small town in Arizona, closing a graveyard off with an electric barbed wire fence. At each attack green spray paint was used to graffiti their gravestones with explicit language that I cannot quote in this article. For more information on the heated argument, you can check our newly made website (corpsemenorzombies.com) and feel free to use the link located on the homepage to send us an email with your opinions on the matter. There are also forums dedicated to encouraging lively (but appropriate) debates on the matter.
