Astianna: Chapter One

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“Lien and I are getting married.”

Asti's jaw dropped. What? Had her mother gone insane? What was she thinking? Asti looked around the dinner table, to see her sisters who had reacted the same way she did with this news. Her mother frowned. “Aren't you girls happy for your mother? Aren't you?”

Asti felt sick to the stomach; she had no appetite to continue her meal. She chased her peas around on her plate with her fork.

“What's wrong?” Her mother's smile faded, and turned into a scowl. “My daughters ought to be happy for me!”

“Of course we are, Mother,” Asti, the eldest sister, forced out. Her sisters nodded stiffly. “But the thing is Mother...doesn't Lien have a child?”

“Yes, and his child, Kor, will be living with us,” the woman said, beaming. “Won't the people of Jerome be so happy to hear their queen has finally found her match?”

“Yes, Mother,” the daughters said in unison.

“Good,” the Queen said, nodding in approval. “Lien and his son must be treated with respect, understood?”

Asti made some sort of grunting sound; the second oldest sister, Jilia, shot her a disapproving look. Lien wasn't
exactly a great man. Years ago, the Queen's older sister had relied on his guidance, since she had absolutely no confidence at all in her ruling. Lien had been a very, very, close friend to her. So basically Lien made all the decisions, while the Queen carried out his orders. Now, Asti wasn't ready to respect the man who led Jerome into the Varsterian War (which Jerome had barely won less than a year ago), nearly broke the country into two sides, and almost left Jerome bankrupt before he retired. And because of this, she wasn't ready to respect his son, who had very likely inherited his low thinking power.

“Kor and Lien are coming for tea next week, so all of you can meet your future brother,” the Queen said smugly. “I am sure my girls are very much looking forward to it.”

She thought wrong. Asti was dreading that day.



The next morning Asti woke up just after the sun had risen. She quickly got dressed in her trousers and white shirt, then slipped over it her favorite purple robe, which would keep her warm in the frigid weather. She pulled the hood over her face.

Asti quietly opened her window, to see a rope leading from her windowsill to the ground. “Jerr did it right,” she said to herself, satisfied.

She slipped a knapsack filled with pens, paper, books, and various scrolls onto her back, and slid down the rope. With three tugs, the rope was unattached, and Asti slipped it into her knapsack.

She crept along the side of the castle wall, towards the stables. She swiftly mounted a plain brown mare, and rode off towards the forest.



“Asti! Right over here!”

Asti held a candle out in front of her, squinting. She smiled to see a familiar face. There he was.

“Jerr!” Asti grinned, and jumped on her older brother, the Prince. “I never thought we’d have another lesson. I’ve been practicing so much while you were gone. In fact, I learned a new spell.”

“Aha! Really?” Jerr said. “Well, let’s see it! Get out your books…”

“No, I memorized it,” Asti said, still smiling. “No need for a book.”

Jerr raised his eyebrows.

Asti blew out the candle. “It is the Summoning Light spell. It can get quite blinding…here, I’ll face a tree…there.”
She let out a deep breath.

She waved her hands over each other then around in a circle, chanting under her breath. Slowly she pushed her hands out away from her, as if there were some force repelling her. Then…

Jerr jumped. A ray of blinding light shot out of Asti’s hands. Asti, jaw clenched, concentrated was trying in vain to control the spell. At last, the light started to dim and fade. Asti made the light brighter, then dimmer again, satisfied that she could now control the spell. Jerr nodded, impressed. Finally, the light vanished.

“Good job,” Jerr said. “That was very well done. As you became more focused, you were able to master the spell. I think you are already surpassing me in magic; you are getting very, very, good.”

Asti’s hands felt tingly. She was both mentally and physically exerted. “Really? Thank you, brother but are you sure very good magicians feel this way after casting a single spell?”

“Tired, hmm?” Jerr cocked his head. “Yes, that is what powerful spells do to you I am afraid. It is normal. Let’s take a quick break; and then we’ll get back to work. I think…I just think that there’s a spell I can show you that you don’t know yet.”

“That would be great,” Asti laughed.
Last edited by Kaedee on Sat Jul 10, 2010 2:46 am, edited 9 times in total.




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Hi! I'll be your reviewer for today!

Well seriously, I couldn't find anything to correct! It is an intro, and I can tell that much. Maybe you want to add on to Chapter one, or make this a prolouge. Just a suggestion. Anyways, me, being a fantasy reader would love to continue reading this story! I'm sure it will turn out great!

Good job!

~Forest
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf




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Hi Kaedee,
I really like the prologue. I could only find one thing wrong,
favorite purple robes
should be, favourite purple robe, no s as its singular. Other than that I really like this post and can you please PM me when you post more?
Midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.




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I really like this story and usually i don't really finish the story unless it is good, so your story was really good.I really liked it and it had me wondering what was going to happen next, you should DEFINITELY post more of your story.
Follow your bliss.-J.Campbell




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Hey Kaedee! I don't believe we've met! Well, I'm Stella, and I'd like to welcome you to YWS! I'll be your reviewer today.

I. NITPICKS
“Aren't you girls happy for your mother? Aren't you?”


The word "girls" here seems a bit obsolete.

Asti wasn't ready to respect the King who led Jerome into the Varsterian War


I'm confused, their mother's the queen, but this dude is the king?

"Really? Thank you brother,


Comma after "you."

Alright.

II. EMOTION

I want to see you inject your writing with emotion! Sure, your dialogue's great, you're not infodumpy and it's easy to read. This is all fantastic, and it makes me happy. But at the same time, I want to see into Asti's head. She doesn't respect the King, but how does she feel about her mother marrying him? She says she's happy to see her brother, but how happy is she really? At the dinner table, does she regret or aenjoy being eldest and in the position to speak?

Let us into her head. Not only will it make it so much more relatable for us, but it'll help you to fill out your character. Right now, I have absolutely no idea who she is.

III. DESCRIPTION

Again, I'd love to see a bit more of this world. Look at your first scene. They're princesses, but they could have been eating at my kitchen table downstairs. Show us what their surroundings are like, and don't just use sight. Try telling us what her favourite robes feel like, what her mother's voice sounds like, how her brother smells when she hugs him. But most importantly, make sure you show us your world. I get the impression that you've thought about it and you know what it's like, but we have no idea. Make us live there like Asti does.

IV. OVERALL

Definitely a strong, engaging beginning.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Thanks for the critiques...you found some things that I wouldn't see without some help! I fixed the confusing king part. At least I thought I did. :)


~Kaedee
Perfect things in life aren't things.
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