Misery

So this is my first post in a long time! I'm glad I've actually had time to write. Please tell me what you think, and ways to improve my writing! I usually don't write poems, but I just had the urge, and we all know that you don't ignore that urge to write.



She waits on her bed
Looking at the pills lying beside her head
She could swallow a fist-full and die
And no one would know why


Because she keeps it inside
Hating the way she is tied
By words and harsh deeds
That make her swell and bleed


They like to mock and torment
The girl who shows only a fragment
Of the pain she keeps within
Of the pain she keeps hidden


No one she tells
About the spells
That keep her behind the bars
Of that which forms her scars


She waits on her bed
Looking at the pills beside her hed
She could swallow a fist-full and die
And no one would know why

*Sniff*. I felt really sad reading this. But a good sad. Not "you hurt my feelings" sad, but "I've totally been there" sad. I don't want to go into detail, but I've come across a lot of pain in my life, and I know it hurts. This piece really showed what I know

Now, enough emotion for this review. Onto my piece of critique. The ending stanza, although is really good and well done with the repetition of the first stanza, doesn't need to be completely repeated. Try and change one of the lines in the last stanza, or change the tense of the last stanza to past tense, or anything else just to make it seem like you didn't get lazy and copy the first verse into the last.

Aside from that, some very nice rhyming, more than emotional enough, and it's pretty good, considering you don't write a lot of poetry.

Have a lucky day!

Thanks, Howler! <3<3<3 I get what you mean by repeating the last stanza. I didn't really know how to end it so I just repeated the first one. If anyone else wants to tell me ways to inprovfe it, please don't hesitate to post, no matter how harsh it is! I wouldn't mind a post just about whether you like it or not, either. Thanks, again!

Hey there! So I enjoyed reading this but I grew disapointed toward the end because I was expecting a revelation on why she does this or at least a switch in mind-set but you didn't give me one. The poem was just a little too neat and straight forward for my liking. Maybe you could end by switching tense as Howler suggested. If you wrote that last stanza in past tense it would suggest she killed herself and give more of a kick, make it sound more urgent. It would make the message stronger.

She waits on her bed [This is passive tone. I'm not sure if I like the use of it. On one hand it fits nicely with the whole message of how people are passively to blame for deaths like this because they don't take any action but at the same time it makes for a slightly weak start. Maybe, 'Waiting on her bed,' and I'd like to see the comma added either way. Good grammer and poetry go really well together ^^]
Looking at the pills lying beside her head [Maybe add a metre, that would be fun right? You could have a 5, 10, 10, 6 perhaps? This line would only have to lose one syllable and would flow much more nicely. Eleven syllables is an awkward number.]
She could swallow a fist-full and die
And no one would know [Full stop!]

Because she keeps it inside
Hating the way she is tied
By words and harsh deeds
That make her swell and bleed [This is too vague for my liking. To some extent your power in the poem is that it could be any girl but if you give her a few touches of personality it becomes personal. That way the reader can almost become attached to her as they would a character and her possible death would have a stronger impact. So what are these words and deeds that have brought her to this point? Add some more stanzas and delve into it.]

They like to mock and torment
The girl who shows only a fragment
Of the pain she keeps within
Of the pain she keeps hidden [Practically a repeat of the previous verse. This doesn't add anything to the poem.]

No one she tells
About the spells
That keep her behind the bars
Of that which forms her scars [Expand those first two lines a little, details are your friend! Maybe mention some of the people she doesn't tell. Like if you brought in nurses it could hint at rape and pregnancy or if there was a mention of teachers it might be bullying.]

She waits on her bed
Looking at the pills beside her hed
She could swallow a fist-full and die
And no one would know why

She waited on the bed,
looking at the pills beside her head.
Sirens were her lullaby
and no one knows why.

Just a few ideas ^^ Hope this helps,

Heather xx