Dichotomized chapter 2

Okay here's chapter 2, it's a little rough, so please comment. By the way, italics is Elf's dream...
Here in a solid white room. There are no definite walls, it is completely round. Nothing hangs from the wall; there is absolutely nothing but a single chair in the center. I am not afraid. I’ve been here before.
I stalked slowly toward the chair, as I approached a figure appeared. I let out a deep sigh, because I remembered everything, a thick sense of de ja vu crept up my throat.
“Aye, Aillil, Angel of Protection, I’d never think I’d see the day. You’d come to me, me for help. What do you want?” the devil walked up to me, and then held out his hand, “Do you really not remember? You were there.” Reluctantly I took his cold dead hand, and felt his power swarm in my veins, and saw the room spin and weave the memory in front of me.
* * *
It was 13 years earlier, a park in the crisp leaves of gold and brown. There played a mother and father with their three year old son. Their laughter sings to my ears, and I could feel tears choking in my eyes; I knew what was going to happen. When the warm wind turned to a dead chill, his presence was strong.
Brandon looked around, he saw, he felt it; he knew something was wrong.
The devil approached the woman, casually and confidently. There was no doubt in his mind this was going to be quick and easy, so he went directly for the child. The woman clang onto his clothing, she knew, she could feel that. It was one of those times when the mother can feel the endangerment of her child.
“Don’t take my baby,” the woman screeched.
“You insignificant fool; I want nothing of the boy but his services. You though, have to go,” Horn John spoke strongly. He grabbed her arm and began to mumble under his breath. She began to cry, she felt her life slip away, like poison pulsing through her veins. Then, the pain had reached her heart and she fell to the ground, not a second to close her eyes. The man, had witnessed this, had reacted the on the only impulse he carried. Humans couldn’t know they were going against the cobra of death. He didn’t have a chance; he was to the floor choking on air he couldn’t get to lungs within a few seconds.
“Did you really think you could defeat me?” he scoffed as he knelled down to his face. Then, the devil did something I’ve never seen him do before; he took Brandon’s fathers hand and held it to his lips. The kiss of death, so strong, no one had ever received that before. I could feel my heart race in my chest, I felt his pain; every angel feels that pain, the pain of losing everything.
“I’m still here aren’t...” was all he could say. Then his eyes glassed over, “I” he would’ve said. Magnetically my eyes turned to the little boy, so innocent, laughing and swinging on a tire. The devil smiled a grin that made me sink into the pavement, “I need the girl,” he spoke to Brandon, “and you will give her to me.”
He didn’t have to say the name, it was implied, I knew just as well as anyone else knew, he was after Fate. The boy stopped swinging and curiously peered back at the man, then to his parents then back. “Come with me, I’ll take you home,” the devil held out his hand, without a beat without a second guess the boy took it, and fell unconsciously.
I willed myself awake but I couldn’t. I wanted to wake up and be in the forsaken round room. That’s when Horn John looked at me, and then swung Brandon over his shoulder, like a rag doll and carried him off. When I thought they were far enough gone, I stalked over to man, and touched his hand, where he had received the kiss of death. It was a cold imprint on his hand, but the rest of his body was hot, and I knew he wouldn’t be dead for long, but reborn as a demon. He’d and his wife would be another addition to the devils handy work, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Brandon was no longer my responsibility, but my consequence.
Elf shot up ten feet, to find Fate soundlessly sleeping next to her. She heaved; then stroked her wing.
“What?” Fate turned to Elf’s sickly white face.
“I don’t know, I guess it was just a bad dream.”
“It’s going to be okay,” Fate held Elf in her arms. Then from behind her, Fate saw a spider-like thing climbing up her wall. It was much larger than a spider and had a face of a bat with sick horns growing from his back. His smile was wicked with jagged teeth, and his eyes were bright with red irises. When he caught her gaze, he dared to stare longer. He twitched his head to the side, daring louder and louder in her mind, look, look at me, she could hear in her mind.
Fate, was captivated, her eyes were tied to his presence. Then he began to climb the wall higher and higher coming closer and closer. Her breath began to come out as gasps as she notice he was naked, and his deep black claws shredding the wall to nothing. Another one jumped to the window and began to lick the glass, smiling at Fate.
“What is….that?” she whispered in Elf’s ear. Elf turned around and saw them climbing the wall getting closer to Fate and herself, she then extended her wings as a warning. Fate couldn’t see her wings, but saw the demons quiver and dissipate.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Elf lied. Fate blinked her eyes wearily, could she have possibly imagined it all? No, it was too real to her; she could smell the decaying flesh of them. The walls still looked carved into, so she got up, and walked investigate it. “What are you doing?” Elf turned on the light and showed the wall wasn’t penetrated.
Fate stopped dead in her steps, she couldn’t believe what had just taken foot. She knew she had seen; she knew she had been conscious—she pinched her arm to check.
“Ouch!” she whined, if she hadn’t been awake, then she was now.
“Why did you just pinch yourself?” Elf began to laugh.
“I saw…I thought…there had been…I don’t know,” she tried the words and didn’t like the taste of them.
“Come back to bed, I think you’re just still tired, and your parents are going to kill us if they find out were up at two thirty in the morning,” Elf began to whisper the last words as she heard a stir in the other room.
“I guess you are right, maybe I just need to sleep. But, can I ask you something first?”
“Sure. Shoot.”
“Can people grow wings? Or is that just preposterous to even think about?”
“People can’t grow wings, those are for birds, if you’re referring to mythical things then yes perhaps, but no, people can’t. Now we need to go to bed, we’ve got class tomorrow,” Elf flicked the switch and the room became still. Silence engulfed the room and only the moons shadow hung from the pane and was the only hope for visibility. Fate lied down, and tried to will herself to sleep, but her eyes stood awake behind her lids, and she listened to the calm breathing of Elf.

I thought it was very interesting. You did a good job even thought I didn't read chapter one I can understand it. I noticed some mistakes you might want to fix like in "Brandon looked around, he saw, he knew, or at least he knew something was wrong", I would take out the "at least the knew something was wrong part" because you already said he knew. The other mistake was when you said he fell "unconsciously" I think it would make more since if you changed that to he fell unconscious. It was good I am excited to read the next chapter.

Have a nice day..

Fiction

Wow this was great! A bit vague in a few parts, but otherwise I could see the vision clearly. Let's pick some things out now...

I stalked slowly toward the chair, as I approached a figure appeared.

I feel like this could be broken into two sentences, because these two statements are a bit awkward together. Like, you could say: I stalked slowly toward the chair. As I approached it, a dark figure appeared.

...a thick sense of de ja vu crept up my throat.

Deja vu. Sorry, I had to correct that.

She heaved; then stroked her wing.

I'm sorry, but I get confused easily. I now remember that Elf is an Angel. This confused me, but I think it just stumped me because I had forgotten. Woops!

Other than that, it was great! I really enjoyed reading this chapter, because it brings out the past of Brandon, and it makes readers wonder about Brandon's mother in the previous chapter. Hmm...
See you later, EDay!

Okay, here’s that review, as requested sorry it took so long! My life’s been kinda hectic lately, so now’s the only chance I’ve got to review (I hope your ready for this! I also hope nitpicks were what you wanted!)

First you shouldn’t have to tell us it’s a dream, it should be rather obvious. I know whenever I see italics in such a large quantity, I either assume it’s a dream or a flashback, one of which is confirmed when the person either wakes up or ‘their thoughts get interrupted’.
Also, I keep getting a little confused. Is Elf Aillil? If so, I’d suggest just picking one name and sticking to it. And if Elf is Aillil, than why is she called Elf when she’s an Angel? Sorry, I’m just a little confused as to how many people there are, and who’s who.

Here in a solid white room.

This is a fragment, even though my computer doesn’t catch it Okay, add something like ‘I stand’ or ‘I am’ to the beginning to correct that.

I let out a deep sigh, because I remembered everything, a thick sense of de ja vu crept up my throat.

Maybe try: I sighed deeply; I remembered everything, a heavy sense of déjà vu washing over me. A tad more picturesque to me

de ja vu

It should be déjà vu

“Aye, Aillil, Angel of Protection, I’d never think I’d see the day. You’d come to me, me for help. What do you want?” the devil walked up to me, and then held out his hand, “Do you really not remember? You were there.” Reluctantly I took his cold dead hand, and felt his power swarm in my veins, and saw the room spin and weave the memory in front of me.

This seems a little odd to me. Now, I've never met the devil, nor do I want to, so I have no idea how he speaksm in which case it's perfectyly fine to have him talk like that. Personally, I think the 'Aye' at the beginning is a little out of place. Maybe something about him chuckling darkly or something would work better. Also, I've seen multiple places where one character says something like 'Angle of Protection' (aka, a title we wouldn't have guessed otherwise until possibly later on in the story), and I think it seems--no offense-- a little amaturish. But, rather than rambling on forever, here's how I might wright it, and you can do with it what you will.

Someone chuckled darkly, sending chills racing up my arms. “Aillil, so called Protector,” he scoffed and his voice turned sarcastic. “I never expected you to come. And for you to come to me for help... what is it you want, I wonder?” The devil himself materialized in front of me, a sadistic smirk on his pale face. “You were there, remember?” he said, holding out his bony hand to me. Reluctantly, I took his cold hand, I felt his power flood through my veins. The room spun as the memory wove in front of me like a spider web.
(‘Like a spider web’ is just how I pictured it, but as I’ve said before, do with it what you will )

It was 13 years earlier, a park in the crisp leaves of gold and brown. There played a mother and father with their three year old son. Their laughter sings to my ears, and I could feel tears choking in my eyes; I knew what was going to happen. When the warm wind turned to a dead chill, his presence was strong.

This sounds a little odd to me. Maybe... Thirteen years had passed since that day. A mother and father played with their three year old son in the neighbourhood park. Their laughs were like music to my ears, but my eyes brimmed with tears. I knew what was going to happen; this was all too familiar. The warm wing suddenly felt colder than ice; his presence was stronger, filling me with dread. (Always remember, spell out numbers [five not 5])

“You insignificant fool; I want nothing of the boy but his services. You though, have to go,” Horn John spoke strongly.

So, is Horn John... the devil’s name? Like I said with Elf/Aillil: one name per character. It’s just less confusing to the reader (ME! )

She began to cry, she felt her life slip away, like poison pulsing through her veins. Then, the pain had reached her heart and she fell to the ground, not a second to close her eyes. The man, had witnessed this, had reacted the on the only impulse he carried.

She began to cry as she felt her life slip away, like poison pulsing through her veins, eating her from the inside out. When the pain reached her heart, she fell to the ground, dead, without a second to close her eyes. The man had witnessed this and reacted on the only impulse he had.

One thing I learned about commas that will come in handy for you, is where to put them. Here’s a tip (although in some cases it doesn’t work, in which case you have to go with instinct), whenever you have a comma, a description, dialogue, whatever, then another comma, see if you can take out that entire section between commas and see if your sentence is still a complete sentence.
Here’s an example of a proper placed comma: ‘He didn’t have to say the name, it was implied, I knew just as well as anyone else knew, he was after Fate.’ It would still make sense if you took out the underlined text and wrote it like: ‘He didn’t have to say the name, I knew just as well as anyone else, he was after Fate.’ (I fixed the repetition of ‘knew’ also).
Here’s an example of an incorrectly placed comma: ‘The man, had witnessed this, had reacted the on the only impulse he carried.’ Now, this might make sense in a different way, but if you paused at every comma, this would be a weird sentence. But simply taking out the commas and adding ‘and’ would fix it, so that it’s still correct: ‘The man had witnessed this and had reacted on the only impulse he carried.’ Or even just adding a ‘who’ to the first comma clause could fix it.
Needless to say, it doesn’t take much to fix an incorrect comma, but it’ll make a world of difference when reading out the story. But I digress...

knelled

Okay, I don’t think that’s the right word. I think it should be knelt or kneeled, not knelled (I'd suggest knelt). It might just be a typo, but either way, it needs to be fixed Knelled literally means: ‘the sound of a bell rung slowly, associated with solemnity or mourning, used to announce a death or funeral’ and I highly doubt that’s what you’re going for (if so, it makes no sense whatsoever.

The devil smiled a grin that made me sink into the pavement, “I need the girl,” he spoke to Brandon, “and you will give her to me.”

This is a run-on. The devil smiled a grin that made me sink into the pavement. “I need the girl,” he told Brandon. “And you will give her to me.” Easy fix

“Come with me, I’ll take you home,” the devil held out his hand, without a beat without a second guess the boy took it, and fell unconsciously.

Another run-on, with a similarly easy fix. Sorry, but I’m running out of time, so I’ll let you fix it yourself

Elf shot up ten feet, to find Fate soundlessly sleeping next to her. She heaved; then stroked her wing.

Saying ‘ten feet’ is sort of unrealistic. And saying she heaved makes me think she’s about to puke. Saying she heaved a sigh might work better.

“What?” Fate turned to Elf’s sickly white face.

“What’s wrong?” Fate asked, seeing Elf’s sickly white face.

dead in her steps, she couldn’t believe what had just taken foot

‘dead in her tracks’ and ‘what had just taken place’

“Sure. Shoot.”

Either ‘sure’ or ‘shoot’, I’d suggest you avoid using both. But, if that’s how your character talks, that’s fine too

Or is that just preposterous to even think about?

Or is that just weird? sounds more like what a normal teenager would say.

“People can’t grow wings, those are for birds, if you’re referring to mythical things then yes perhaps, but no, people can’t.”

“People can’t grow wings, those are for birds. If you’re referring to mythical creatures than maybe, but normal people can’t.”

Fate lied down, and tried to will herself to sleep, but her eyes stood awake behind her lids, and she listened to the calm breathing of Elf.

Fate lay down and tried to will herself asleep. But she was still awake behind her closed eyes, listening to Elf’s rhythmic breathing. So, I assume Fate can't see or feel Elf's wings, and Elf can't see or feel Fate's (whenever they appear)?

Okay, that was a really long review, but sadly I’m a perfectionist, so I had to cover all the little details Anyway, hope I wasn’t too harsh, but you did ask for it Let me know if you need anything or don’t understand something. Hope this helped, and keep writing. I really enjoyed this story so far, can’t wait to read the rest of it

~Addict