Purple Honey

Purple Honey

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Fuzzy spirals of purple honey,
Spinning and spilling down.
Stuck to our faces,
Sticky and sweet,
Sliding on my lips,
Glued to our feet.

Revolving doors,
You leave
And return,
Leaving blood on the handle
And a scolding burn.
My life is such a scandal,
My life is such a burn...

Convoluted faces,
Like a shattered ferris wheel.
Falling in a spiral:
A purple sporadic spiel
Of wavy honey,
Honey you can feel...

Whiplash of your hair,
As it shook in violent wake.
Drooping honey clenched its ends
And collected in a lake.
A lake we boated in,
Filling it with sin.
A lake of purple honey,
That soon began to spin.

And we began to twirl
In a pinkish haze,
Steeped in deep purple,
A din of pinkish craze.
No more ways...
No more days...
One last phase?
Only purple honey.

I'm not sure what to make of this. Your description is good, it is pretty well written. But I'm not really sure what the main point is, or what the reader should be getting out of this poem. The use of "burn" in the second stanza sounds a little repetitive and "in" and "sin" sounds a little forced in the fourth stanza, but other than that, the rhyming and flow is okay. Also, I don't like the ellipses in the third and last stanza. I seem to be on a mission to eliminate ellipses from every poem on this site, but the writing should speak for itself, making ellipses unnecessary. So apart from a couple of technical things, this is pretty good, in terms of description and the way it's written.

Hi inkwell! Are you new to YWS? If so, welcome! This was very good!
I agree with Matt Bellamy. You have a fantastic word choice, and a nice rhythmic flow that kept me reading. On a minor nitpicky error, you should probably have line breaks for your stanzas. Just so things seem a bit more organized, and your poem isn't a big chunk of text that's intimidating to read, alright?

Revolving doors,
You leave
And return,
Leaving blood on the handle
And a scolding burn.
My life is such a scandal,
My life is such a burn...

This part is a bit iffy. There is nothing wrong with the way you wrote it, but it just seems a bit out of the blue. How are revolving doors related to purple honey? You have a smooth transition back to honey, but try to do the same for transitioning in to this part.

On the matter or story, a question that pops up is, "Why is the honey purple?" Is it laced with mold? Is it a special, but dangerous concotion the people would just die for? Right now I'm able to see both as possibilities, but maybe if you focused in one it would make everything seem more direct.

That's all I have for now. I really like your poetry, and please PM me if you post anything new, okay?

Au Revior,
Elinor

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

Elinor Brynn wrote:Hi inkwell! Are you new to YWS? If so, welcome! This was very good!
I agree with Matt Bellamy. You have a fantastic word choice, and a nice rhythmic flow that kept me reading. On a minor nitpicky error, you should probably have line breaks for your stanzas. Just so things seem a bit more organized, and your poem isn't a big chunk of text that's intimidating to read, alright?

I'm not sure what you mean. I should have an empty line in between each actual line?

Revolving doors,
You leave
And return,
Leaving blood on the handle
And a scolding burn.
My life is such a scandal,
My life is such a burn...

This part is a bit iffy. There is nothing wrong with the way you wrote it, but it just seems a bit out of the blue. How are revolving doors related to purple honey? You have a smooth transition back to honey, but try to do the same for transitioning in to this part.

The revolving door ties in with the spinning. The whole stanza though is supposed to add to the extremely sexual undertone that I thought would actually be pointed out.

On the matter or story, a question that pops up is, "Why is the honey purple?" Is it laced with mold? Is it a special, but dangerous concotion the people would just die for? Right now I'm able to see both as possibilities, but maybe if you focused in one it would make everything seem more direct.

If your questioning it then it's good. There's no story behind it but I think the reader can see honey as a metaphor for things through out the poem.

That's all I have for now. I really like your poetry, and please PM me if you post anything new, okay?

Au Revior,
Elinor

I intentionally used "burn" twice by the way because I liked the repetition and the use of the word in different contexts.
Thanks again you guys!

This poem is probably one of the best poems I think I have ever seen on this site. The sexuality of this is so powerful. I think I understand that purple honey is either a girl/boy or a metaphor you use to describe the sexual emotions and feelings throughout the poem or both. Reading this poem made me think of a quote from one of my favourite philosophers,

"Surely all art is the result of one's having been in danger, of having gone through an experience all the way to the end, where no one can go any further". -R.M.R.


You seemed to have gone through something if not suffered in some psychological way to produce this art. Something I try to do everyday, if I couldn't produce something beautiful out of something disturbing to me then I would probably go crazy. Does that make sense? What we create is art, and you definitely created art here.

I must admit, I don't believe I've ever seen the words "honey" and "violent" in the same pice before. That being said, I love the comparison and the addition of the topic - honey, which is a pretty static and tiring thing - to such things like scandal and burn.

You worry about if this poem makes sense. For me the most confusing thing is that there are many people. There is the me, the you, and the other faces. Maybe condense this to be for one of those. For the me, the you, or the other faces. if this poem is about the we, then say so - don't complicate it more by writing more.

Condensation is key. Say what must be said in the most simple way. If it's too weak to stand on it's own, then it's not worth frilling up with adjectives.