Hidden Secrets

Glistening eyes and bemused glances,
Are small clues toward my hidden secret.
You had your fair shake, but missed the threshold,
To memories that could have been.

Every trace of joy is hindered with sadness.
All of my smiles remain in vain.
My emotions extinguished,
As if a lid has been put on all existence,
In order to hide scars,
From the battles still not won.

I mellow down and stare,
Perplexed, for you’re proud,
Of my perseverance, and strength.
You hope and you pray,
That from this path I shall not stray,
And to endure it all,
Until I’ve reached my full potential.

Hey, Kally here.

Okay, positive, I love it. It is a really beautiful poem.

Unforutonatly,

You hope and you pray,That from this path I shall not stray,

The rhyme here sounds silly and forced.

Besides that, I really love it. keep writing!!

darthmaul1001 wrote:Glistening eyes and bemused glances,
Are small clues toward my hidden secret.
You had your fair shake, but missed the threshold,
To memories that could have been.

I like this stanza, it gets me thinking.

Every trace of joy is hindered with sadness.
All of my smiles remain in vain.
My emotions extinguished,
As if a lid has been put on all existence,
In order to hide scars,
From the battles still not won.

A little confused at the combination of these lines but I still like them semi-individually.

I mellow down and stare,
Perplexed, for you’re proud,
Of my perseverance, and strength.
You hope and you pray,
That from this path I shall not stray,
And to endure it all,
Until I’ve reached my full potential.

I like the positive ending but it felt more told than expressed if you get my drift. I also think that those two lines that rhyme feel a bit forced but it adds a nice emphasis.

Overall very good!

OK thanks for the help Guys (:

Hi! This is interesting. I like how you started it, though I'm not sure what you meant by the last two lines of the first stanza. In the second stanza, you mention sadness and I would like to know more about why the narrator is unhappy. You use description well in this stanza though, so I like it. I quite like the last stanza as well. I guess I would like to know more about who the narrator is talking to and why he is saying those things/feels that way. Good job apart from that though.

I agree with the first post. The ryhme does sound a bit forced, and to me, it's hard to figure out what this poem is trying to portray. But, I do love the way this was written, and I look foreward to reading some of your new works! ~*Cheez_Burger*~