The White Knight Chapter Eleven A Small Skirmish

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A few mornings later, Maria was awakened by Geoffrey.
"The enemy has been seen coming towards here. We must get into the wood line."
Maria grabbed her weapons and got her horse. She was led to the north-western edge of the battlefield.
The Kingsbane were lined up in a line on the western edge. When the enemy showed up, they would initiate the attack by shooting their arrows. Then when the arrows were used up, both the knights and the Kingsbane would rush out of the wood line into the battlefield.
Soon the enemy came into sight. When the first knights were within a hundred meters, Geoffrey yelled, "Now!"
The Kingsbane started shooting their arrows. Being perfect marksmen, the enemy started to fall.
For moments, the enemy was taken by surprise. Then they saw where the attack was coming from. They started fighting back. However, though the Red Knights and the Death Bearers were stronger, they were inexperienced archers. Only a few were good shots.
One arrow did manage to down a Kingsbane of King Christoph. Maria saw this because he was close. She got off her horse and ran over to his body. There were a few arrows left. She fitted one on the bow string and let it fly. There was a cry from a Death Bearer, as he fell from his horse. An arrow was caught in his neck.
She fired the remaining arrows, but one. Then she released the last arrow from the bow. It sunk into the belly of a horse. The rider was thrown to the ground. To Maria's horror, the rider turned out to be Melisande.
"Who has the nerve to kill my horse?" screamed the sorceress.
Maria glanced over to Geoffrey. He looked at her in horror. He then signaled for her to disappear into the woods.
She quickly obeyed. She started to move swiftly and silently into the forest. After a while, she hid within the trees. She expected Melisande to show up at any second. After a while, Maria decided that it was safe to return back to the knights. A noise directly behind her caused Maria to jump. A Red Knight was standing a few feet away from her.

The battle was a short one. The assault by the Kingsbane was still going on when Melisande called out to her knights, "Come! We must leave! We will battle with then another time!" Melisande grabbed a dead knight's horse and rode back the way they came. The Red Knights and Death Bearers quickly left and followed her.
Even though many of the enemy was killed, the Knights of Kings Christoph and Alexander were not celebrating. A few of their comrades were killed. Mercilessly, these knights were all killed by poison arrows. If the tips slightly scratched the skin, the poison would go into the bloodstream and kill the knights more slowly.
Of those killed were Bartlette-the Kingsbane Maria saw fall, Lady Osandria-who had helped in training Maria and several more White Knights.
Sir Peter lay wounded on the ground. He was close to death trying to fight the effects of the poison. However, he knew it was a losing battle. He looked around, trying to find somebody. Finally, through his blurring vision, he saw the person.
Princess Astaire ran over to him. "No!" she screamed. She kneeled by his body. "You can not die!"
Sir Peter looked at Astaire with tears in his eyes. "My dear Princess, I am sorry for failing you. I had promised that I would marry you."
"You will get better."
"Alas, my dear, this poison the Red Knights have used is known as Arboc. It is very deadly. Not even Conchiva can help me now. Remember, Princess, I love you."
Sir Peter closed his eyes and exhaled his last breath.
Princess Astaire sat there and cried for several minutes. King Alexander walked over. He laid a hand on his daughter's shoulder. She looked up at him with tears running freely down her face.
"Father, he is gone! He left me!"
The King could not think of anything to say to appease his daughter's sadness.

Maria stared at the knight for a moment or two. He was resting against a tree trunk. Being wounded in the chest, he had no energy to raise his sword. She drew her sword from her sheath, intending to make his death quicker.
"Please help me," pleaded the Red Knight weakly.
"Why should I help you?" Maria asked with sarcasm. "You and your other knights have been mercilessly killing innocent people ever since you came into Utofamia. I can not even begin to imagine what you have been doing to the other worlds."
"I was forced to be a Red Knight. Idres, the leader, threatened to torture me the rest of my life if I did not cooperate. I hate him. If I can be healed, I am going to find him and kill him."
"Why aren't you with the other Red Knights?"
"I could not stand their ways any longer. I decided to leave after the previous battle. One of your knights that were captured turned out to be a female. Idres would have killed her if she had not escaped. Then I heard that Melisande had thrown her into a lake and she drowned."
"Would you have killed this female knight if you had the chance?"
"No, I would not have done that. I do not believe in doing any female any harm. Even if I was face-to-face with Melisande and had the ability to destroy her, I do not think I would be able to bear it. Why do you ask?"
"Because I am the female knight you are talking about," Maria said, pulling off her helmet. She reached into her sheath and pulled out some Conchiva. "Here, eat this. It will heal your wound."
"Thank you," the Red Knight said, immediately feeling the healing effects of the herb. "I was afraid I would be breathing my last shortly. Idres suspected that sooner or later I was going to become a traitor. I had abandoned the Red Knights just days before. I was riding to meet up with the White and Black Knights and throw myself at their mercy. However, Idres and his knights caught up to me first earlier this day. He tried to kill me."
"Do you want to join our knights?"
"I want to. I want to fight for what is right. I love this land too much."
"I am sure that you will be able to become a knight. However, you should not be seen in red armor. They might think you are trying to attack them.
Maria looked behind her. "Somebody is coming. You better hide."
Maria looked and noticed Timothy, approaching her. She walked towards him.
"Geoffrey sent me to find you."
"Yes. It is time we get back."

When Maria got back, the bodies of the dead knights were gone. Bellerophon had taken them back to his realm. This way they would be protected from Melisande bring them back as Death Bearers. Michael told Maria what had happened in the battle.
"When is Bellerophon coming back?"
"I am not sure?"
"It is sad that Sir Peter has died. He taught me well in becoming a knight."
"I hardly knew him, except from stories. He had been a knight longer than me. He was a brave person."
At that moment, one of the Black Knights came up leading a young man dressed in rags.
"Michael, this young man wants to be a knight."
Michael looked at him. "What is your name?" he inquired.
"My name is James. I may not look like much now, because of my clothes. However, before he died, my father taught me skills in being a knight. He was too poor to give me a suit of armor, but he gave me his sword."
James gave Michael the sword for him to look at.
"Why, this is a fine looking sword. It is very similar to ours. All right James you shall become a knight. However, it is going to be a dangerous job. We have just lost several of our knights just a short time ago in a battle. We have a suit of Black Armor that will fit you. Unfortunately, we found out the Scott just died."
James lowered his head sadly but did not say a word.
When Maria finally found James alone, she went to speak with him.
"I took your advice in not wearing my armor. I found a cabin not too far away from where I met you. It looked as though it was abandoned. There were several ragged clothes a room. I took of my armor and redressed with the rags."
"I take it you knew Scott."
"Yes. He was a friend of mine. I knew he had just joined to Knights of King Christoph. The thing is there are many more Red Knights who had been forced to join. They want to leave, but are too afraid for their lives."
"It is sad he is gone," Maria agreed. "At least he died fighting for a good cause."
"Maria, I shall not forget what you have done for me. Whenever you are in danger, I shall be there to help you."
"Thank you James. If Melisande ever finds out that I am still alive, I will need all the help I can get.

Quite a distance away, in the Great Desert of Utofamia, a young girl lived in a shack with an ancient man. This old man was one of the mysterious old men of Utofamia. He was called Drayhmah, the Wise One.
She had been an orphan after her parents were killed. Drayhmah had taken her to live with in the desert. She was his assistant as well as a daughter.
“It became very lonely when my two lovely daughters were lost to me at such a young age.”
She loved him dearly and grew that he was her own father and grandfather combined in one.
Early one morning, the she woke up and found Draymah staring wistfully out of the window towards the distance valleys.
"What is it, Drayhmah? Has Melisande risen? Is she succeeding in destroying Utofamia?"
The Wise One turned to the girl and looked at her kindly. "Teelah, it surprises me of how much you can read my mind. Yes, Melisande is trying to destroy Utofamia, as she did with other worlds. Yet, the hour is near and Melisande will be destroyed."
"Do you mean...?"
"Yes, when the hour comes, Melisande will be no more. The hour may come in a few days or many years from now. But, we must wait for the stranger to come along to fulfill the quest.
"We meet many people. How will we know when we meet the stranger?"
"We will know; you will learn much more later."




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Why, hello thar! I am Light_Devil and I shall be your very own reviewer today. :D

And we shall begin!

writewannabe wrote:Maria grabbed her weapons and got her horse. She was led to the north-western edge of the battlefield.


Woah, slow your horses (literally). How did she manage to do this so quickly? That was like . . . a very fast time and space leap.

The Kingsbane were lined up in a line on the western edge. When the enemy showed up, they would initiate the attack by shooting their arrows. Then when the arrows were used up, both the knights and the Kingsbane would rush out of the wood line into the battlefield.


Data-dump. I'm sorry. It's true. All I saw was "soldiers . . . arrows . . . wood line". There is too much "if"s or "when"s. If you want to put this in, add it in when they are actually being attacked. Actually, don't even worry about that at all! The next part pretty much shows it better anyway.

For moments, the enemy was taken by surprise. Then they saw where the attack was coming from. They started fighting back. However, though the Red Knights and the Death Bearers were stronger, they were inexperienced archers. Only a few were good shots.


Some of your sentences are extremely short and give very little to the story. Try to conjoin them. :D

One arrow did managed to down a Kingsbane of King Christoph.


Please get rid of the "did". It is not needed and makes the sentence almost silly.

Maria saw this because she was close. She got off her horse and ran over to his body. There were a few arrows left. She fitted one on the bow string and let it fly. There was a cry from a Death Bearer, as he fell from his horse. An arrow was caught in his neck.


She, she, she, she. I think this paragraph is mostly consistent of "she". Please attempt to reword this so that you're showing us this and not telling us. Also, try to get rid of the many "she"s.

She fired the remaining arrows, but one. Then she released the last arrow from the bow. It sunk into the belly of a horse. The rider was thrown to the ground. To Maria's horror, the rider turned out to be Melisande.
"Who has the nerve to kill my horse?" screamed the sorceress.
Maria glanced over to Geoffrey. He looked at her in horror. He then signaled for her to disappear into the woods.
She quickly obeyed. She started to move swiftly and silently into the forest. After a while, she hid within the trees. She expected Melisande to show up at any second. After a while, Maria decided that it was safe to return back to the knights. A noise directly behind her caused Maria to jump. A Red Knight was standing a few feet away from her.


This is all telling me. I want to be shown this. There is a large difference between: She quickly obeyed and Without a moments hesitation she obeyed his silent demand.

"Why should I help you?" Maria asked with sarcasm. "You and your other knights have been mercilessly killing innocent people ever since you came into Utofamia."


Sarcasm isn't the right word. Sarcasm is intended to be used to make the sentence opposite in nature. "Why should I help you?" cannot be made opposite.

"I was forced to be a Red Knight. Idres, the leader, threatened to torture me the rest of my life if I did not cooperate. I hate him. If I can be healed, I am going to find him and kill him."


Completely unbelievable. Entirely.

"I want to. I want to fight for what is right. I love this land too much."


Painfully cliche, I'm afraid.

"I am not sure?"


Not a question. Full stop, please.

"Maria, I shall not forget what you have done for me. Whenever you are in danger, I shall be there to help you."


Cliche. XD

"Thank you James. If Melisande ever finds out that I am still alive, I will need all the help I can get.


Love this line. Always have loved this kind anywhere.

Quite a distance away, in the Great Desert of Utofamia, a young girl lived in a shack with an ancient man. This old man was one of the mysterious old men of Utofamia. He was called Drayhmah, the Wise One.
She had been an orphan after her parents were killed. Drayhmah had taken her to live with in the desert. She was his assistant as well as a daughter.


Info-dump. Woah. So much. Can't take in. *explodes* Piece of advice: place info into natural curves of related sentences. It helps.

Overall:

I really like your plot. :D I cannot guess it, at all, not even the very least. Though, I suppose it would help if I had read the other chapters. Oh, well. XD. Your writing is too telling, I want it to be more showing. The main character, Maria, is very interesting - though a tad bland. Your new man - James - is too perfect. In my opinion, there are too many important female roles. Your main, second main and villain are all females. It's like feminism overload. No offense, being a female myself, I'm not against so many roles being taken by girls, but . . . having too many is just too much. Hm-mm . . . DESCRIPTION! Put more describing words into this; it would boost this to another level.

Hoped this helped.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Dynamic Duo AWAY!!!

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