Incorrigible mistake

There are no perfect people. Everyone has their own weak points. Each person knows it, but not everyone accepts it. Along with, in some cases it can cause irreversible and sad consequences as it happened in Liza’s story.
It was a usual day: the autumn sun was looking out through the grey clouds which almost didn’t warm. Trees hadn’t lost their leaves yet, for that reason all around was green and gorgeous. Nothing betokened any trouble, maybe only stuffy air before a downpour: it was obvious that something would happen.
Liza was a typical girl. She had the same tastes as everyone else, but no one wanted to make friends with her. All her life she was like an outsider. Why? She didn’t know why. Maybe something was wrong with her.
The year before Liza had entered “The Central Medical University of Springfield”. It always had been her dream: to become a real and well-known surgeon, and her parents would be proud of her, and everyone would know who Liza Ferry was. But there was a real obstacle - Minna Hant. All Liza’s plans to become popular had broken down when she came.
That day, as usual, Minna was standing in the classroom surrounded with the crowd. Her black like pitch curly hair jumped up each time she turned her head. Stunning features and almond shaped green eyes made her a real beauty. When Liza came in, no one noticed her. The Biology class with its numerous plants and old skeletons was looked different. There were so many students; it seemed that all the university had gathered here. Not surprisingly: it was Minna’s birthday. Everyone wanted to be invited to her birthday party. Minna and several girls, who always were following her, like the retinue of the queen, were living in a modern penthouse. They lived alone, without their parents, had parties and had all they wanted.
“Liza, here you are,” suddenly Minna departed from her friends and stretched the invitation card. “I hope you will come. I’m sure your parents won’t be against.”
Someone laughed.
With condemnation, Minna looked at one of her friends who were watching this ‘performance’. “It will be a pool party. Put your best swim suit on,” she added.
One more laugh.
“So, will you come?”
“Sure.”
It wasn’t unusual: what a party without a clown?

Loud music, so many people, everyone was dancing, laughing, drinking…, but no one was in a swim suit. It was too cold outside; there even was no water in the swimming pool. When Liza arrived in her new red bathing suit, everyone stopped dancing, started to point fingers at her like little children at the zoo. And Minna in her marvelous white dress was standing at the ladder with severe smile on her full cherry lips.
The wind was blowing into her face, tousling the hair dress, tears were flowing down the cheeks, washing away her make-up; words of insult were crowding in her head: ‘Well done, Minna, you have entertained people’.
***
Springfield News:
“Yesterday, approximately at 3:00 AM, a student of ‘The Central Medical University of Springfield’ Minna Hant died in her house.
As Inspector Penn has said it was an accident. Alcohol has been found in the victim’s blood. Presumably, it became the cause of her fall into the empty pool. Besides, it was raining heavily last night. Miss Hunt had a trauma of …”
Liza put the newspaper aside. In her eyes there was so much happiness she had never felt before.
***
It was so quiet, only the rain was breaking the silence. There was no full moon, there was scary darkness. There was no one in the garden. Everyone was sleeping after the great party, except the birthday girl. She was drunk, hardly stood on her feet¬ , she didn’t want to finish her party, she wanted to celebrate; she was standing beside the empty pool.
“Perfect!” Lisa thought.

Valentine

Hmmmm...this made me think. It all happened very fast, from the scenery, to her past, to her future, to the death. I like they style I guess. The one thing that struck me wrong was that it all happened fast, and not that dramatically. I say, try to slow down when you write, and describe the death more. Make the reader feel emotion. If you don't feel anything, neither will they. I hope this helps.

Valentine

Hi Alenka!
I'll review this today!

I' have to say that you have some interesting ideas going on but the problem was that they weren't well developed. The whole darkness around the girl is really interesting but you didn't expand , just continued with it and kept on going. Another thing is your pace, you were going way too fast. As the reviewer above said you jumped from the beginning to the party, to her death to the past again. The first parts were ok, too fast to really gather anything from it. But the two last parts went by to fast and you sort of went to the future and back to the past. That is really confusing.

It was a nice start though, you caught the readers attention. But as the story went on, everything sort of began to seem flat because your character doesn't really show all its potential and you just gave us hints of the setting, the plot, so it was quite boring at some point.

Now some nitpicks.

it was obvious that something would happen.

For me this is quite telly. Why? Because it sorts of "tells" us that "something is going to happen. So why don't you better show us that "something is going to happen"? Try to relate the setting with the event, maybe try setting that the cold wind blew with a hissing noise that sent shiver and sense of anticipation. Or something like that, just don't throw at us that something will happen.

Liza was a typical girl. She had the same tastes as everyone else, but no one wanted to make friends with her. All her life she was like an outsider. Why? She didn’t know why. Maybe something was wrong with her.

Telly again. You're basically saying this: Liza was a normal girl that liked normal things but normal people didn't want to be friend with her because she was a loner.
You're telling us everything here. Don't tell us show us, maybe with how she walked. I'll give you an example. I have a character, she's a loner and I sort of put her like this: she went in a room and let down her stare, she never looked up for she felt as if all eyes in the room were staring in her way. With her coal black hair, she slowly made a wall around her face and sat in the corner of her classroom. Well, it was something like that.lol. But I'm not telling you she's a loner, you have to show us. Remember, show not tell.

But there was a real obstacle - Minna Hant. All Liza’s plans to become popular had broken down when she came.

This seems rushed. Try to explain us more about Liza's dreams and expectation and try to show us more of how she view the world around her. In that way, you can show us more about your character.

Loud music, so many people, everyone was dancing, laughing, drinking…, but no one was in a swim suit. It was too cold outside; there even was no water in the swimming pool. When Liza arrived in her new red bathing suit, everyone stopped dancing, started to point fingers at her like little children at the zoo. And Minna in her marvelous white dress was standing at the ladder with severe smile on her full cherry lips.
The wind was blowing into her face, tousling the hair dress, tears were flowing down the cheeks, washing away her make-up; words of insult were crowding in her head: ‘Well done, Minna, you have entertained people’.

This whole thing is way too rushed and way too under explained. Firs of all the setting, you only describe what the people was doing but not the place. You should describe us the setting more so we can see the scene, but also show it from your character's point of view too.
As for your character, too flat. You say she was humiliated but nothing else, you tell us she was humiliated. But how did she feel? How did she reacted? How did that affect her? Your character is a person, therefore has feelings. So if she has feelings, that means that there must have been some kind of reaction towards that kind of humiliation.

Liza put the newspaper aside. In her eyes there was so much happiness she had never felt before.

Again, your character is flat. You have to give her feelings! She is a person, describe the happiness that she is feeling.

It was so quiet, only the rain was breaking the silence. There was no full moon, there was scary darkness. There was no one in the garden. Everyone was sleeping after the great party, except the birthday girl. She was drunk, hardly stood on her feet¬ , she didn’t want to finish her party, she wanted to celebrate; she was standing beside the empty pool.
“Perfect!” Lisa thought.

This whole part should go before the last one because putting it here just makes it more confusing. Another thins is that you should italicize the part in which you show her thoughts instead of putting it inside quotation.

Overall.
Your main is developing your character. Try to think of her as a person, give her habits, quirks, a voice, a way of been. She is a person. So also, work on your plot, you have some good ideas going on but they are mixed up and therefore, are confusing.

So hope I helped and if you have questions just PM me.
Pudin

Firstly, I like the mood being put in here and the description you had to create the ending. What I had like is the second paragraph where you made use of the seson of autumn to create the mood of the story.

Now for the review:

Though you have a good plot here, the paragraph seemed separated. It seemed that the paragraph has its own story. Take for example, the pool party. Though you gave some connection from its former, this paragraph seemed to be independent on its own. Not that’s its bad but the paragraph must be well connected and this takes on my second note.

II: Description

Each paragraph seemed lacking. Take again the pool party, though you gave clues that relate to the murder, the pool party paragraph seemed lacking. What you need to do here is give some clue on Lisa’s plan to murder by showing a facial expression like a glint or Lisa’s narrowing her eyes. Furthermore, I would also take note on the “autumn leaves” paragraph. What does it connect to the story? I know that I can achieve a certain mood but what is the connection to the rest of the stories? You can connect it by letting your MC to glimpse at them before the pool party or to school. Above all, the paragraph are a bit vague and that it is not specific enough to lead the reader to one direction but let them think on what will happen in different directions (again, I am not saying that it is bad-personally, I think I like it-but do not let it too vague. You must lead the reader to a direction)

III: Style

Now, the first paragraph are a bit cheesy. The part of Liza’s story seems a bit cheesy and cliché. Is this story telling from a different point of view? Is Liza not the main character but someone watching her?
Furthermore, instead of using that first paragraph independently, try to connect it to the story. For example, let the first paragraph be a dialogue or monologue to a character. Or you can show the first paragraph in a character’s mind while that character is looking at the trees. That way, you can connect to the first and second paragraph to the rest of the story.

IV: Thought

Above all, the story gives a good mood but the descriptions seems lacking and that the paragraph seemed disconnected with each other.

PS
Nice picture by the way.