Bat island- Chapter 1

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Hopeful this will explain a little more than the prologue. Enjoy!
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“But mom, what about hurricanes, predators, and who knows what else!”
“For the last time, there is nothing to worry about. We’re in as much danger from those things as we are at home,”
“Exactly!” Cried Cody. He was migrating with his colony to their winter home at the center of the island. Thousands of mouse bats called to each other all around him. Unlike most residents of Fliwing island, mouse bats had no particular characteristic that made them unique. Granted, they flew during the day, but that was a logical behaviour. When you live on an island with all nocturnal creatures it’s far more useful to fly during the day than at night. Because night-time is filled with predators and, of course, no mouse bat wants to be eaten.
This was Cody’s first migration, he wasn’t even yet a year old and he was nervous, as usual, about this new thing. The colony was flying from their home near the coast, over Flight Forest, and stopping at the border between center forest and Flight Forest. That was their winter home. Sure there were predators as always, but at least they wouldn’t have to struggle with the fierce, winter ocean storms.
But what if it was more dangerous traveling back and forth? Surely they were unnecessarily exposing themselves to more predators this way. Cody frowned at the thought. If he had it his way, he would live underground like a burrow-bird. But then, there were just as many carnivores under there.
“Why can’t there just be no predators?” he asked, not meaning to say it out loud.
Cody’s mother looked behind her. A patient but almost sad look lined her brown, fur-covered face. “Because, every creature has a place in the world, if we all had the same place; there wouldn’t be enough for what everyone needs,” she said gently.
Cody grunted and pretended not to hear. Predators should never be compared to peaceful insectivores or herbivores.
‘Anything that eagerly kills another creature does not deserve to live.’ he concluded. But he didn’t say it. What was the point? Mother would just come up with another ‘logical’ answer. Cody looked at her, who was now flying beside him. He loved her, more than anything in the world. She was of the few in the entire colony that cared for him. There were a few other bat-lings his age that seemed to like him, but Cody didn’t care. Sometimes friends make a bat do dangerous things. Cody had heard many-a-story about how young bats wondered off; never to be found again. No sir, he would never be one of them, he planned on living a long, healthy life.
The colony flew on for the rest of the day. When the sun's light disappeared beyond the trees the colony leader shouted the order to roost. Cody, his mother and the other hundred or so bats followed him to a group of trees that formed a secure, weather tight circle. After settling down next to his mother, Cody immediately started to feel tired. He had been fine all day, but now that he'd stopped, tiredness caught up with him. Nestling close to his mother's fur, Cody feel into a deep and peaceful sleep.

There was nothing. Cody was all alone in the middle of nowhere. Wind gusted, trying to tear him out of the air. Rain started to pour so hard that it ran into his eyes and he couldn't see. Desperately he called out, for anyone, anything to help him. He struggled to stay upright. Suddenly he was aware of the ocean underneath him. It roared, sounding exactly like an animal. A huge animal.
Cody's was beginning to be exhausted. Every beat of his wings felt more and more impossible. The weight of water and fatigue pressed around him like his breath was being forced from his lungs. Cody tried to inhale a breath but instead more air rushed out. His eyes started to flutter closed, his wings crumpled by the exceeding wind stuck to his sides. Cody felt himself falling; face first toward the ocean.
All of a sudden a sharp screech pierced the air. Cody thought he saw a figure flying toward him through the rain, but he couldn't keep his eyes open. In no way was he prepared for what happened next; huge talons wrapped themselves firmly around his body. Cody tried to scream but nothing came out. Instead, he heard many screams, but they weren't his. Cody felt himself lift higher and higher through the air. His eyes were still shut and for some reason he couldn't open them. The creature carried him further and further, towards the coastline.
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Any comments welcome. :wink:
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This sounds pretty good.

few little things

"no mouse bat wants to be eaten."
I would just have it as "no bat wants to be eaten"

I can't really find many things wrong with this in all honesty. Maybe be a little more description of the surroundings?

Your work flows very nicely

Keep writing

Halycon




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This was Cody’s first migration, he wasn’t even yet a year old and he was nervous, as usual, about this new thing.


Watch for run-on sentences. I only noticed this one, but it seems like your writing style could be rife with them.

Now, this is obviously a story intended for a younger audience, of which I do not fit into. However, with that in mind, it's very well written and conveys a younger tone quite well. Well done.

Cody grunted and pretended not to hear. Predators should never be compared to peaceful insectivores or herbivores.
I love the adorable distinction between carnivores and insectivores. It is a surprisingly mature comparison between perceptions of the world. However, I'm sure the insects would feel differently.

Well done. PM me if you have any questions, I'd love to hear feedback on my feedback. I'll also follow the story as long as you PM me when you post a new piece.

Thanks for letting me read,
--D
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Hi,

That was a really good piece of writing. maybe add a little bit of description into the setting. but other than that, GREAT!

Loved it,

Cheers. :D :D :D




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Hi Pretty Crazy!
I'll review this today!

Well, this was so very cute! I loved it. It has great potential, and it was nicely developed. I like your style, which by the way, it's highly enjoyable. Your narration is great, you kept a nice pace, a pace that was really easy to follow and understood as well.
A problem that can be corrected easily is your sentence structure. There were many sentence in which you had run ons and misplaced commas, but that can be easily corrected with some proofreading.

I like your character, your characterization is great and the idea is incredibly original. Although... right at the end it became quite confusing, because there was no transition between the moment when he arrived at the circle with all the other bats, and the moment when he's drowning. So I would suggest you to make a better transition so that we can follow the plot a little better. Just another little thing from your character, try adding a little of his thoughts so that we can really understand his feelings and reactions.

So that's all, I really liked it and I hope there is more to come
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D'une langueur
Monotone.

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Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
“But mom, what about hurricanes, predators, and who knows what else!”

A question should probably end with a question mark.
live.’ he

If you put a small letter after a dialogue, it should be a comma before that.
friends make

Your entire story is in past tense, there shouldn't be a sudden appearance of 'make'.
himself lift higher

Also same for this, it should be 'lifted'.
Cody feel into a

Please remember to check for any spelling errors.

Okay great story so far, I liked it. I like Cody, he seems to be quite nice. :D

Good luck and keep writing!
Writing is all about imagination~




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Hi Pretty Crazy,
Thanks for the PM.
I really like this chapter but I don't quite get the end, is he asleep and dreaming or is he awake and in trouble. Other than that I only have one bad point, I think
“Exactly!” Cried Cody.
should be “Exactly!” cried Cody. I thik there shouldn't be a capital letter.
I liked it and can you PM when you post more please?
Midnightread :elephant:
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I've read the prologue before this. I have to say that this first chapter is better than the prologue. :) One thing I noticed is that you have a lot of run-on sentences. You need to watch out for that. I think everything else has been spoken about... I'm not much of a help when it comes to reviewing, but I can tell you that it's a great story! Keep it up!

~~Bugwhisker



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I was flummoxed by fractious Franny's decision to abrogate analgesics for the moribund victims of the recent conflagration. Of course, to display histrionics was discretionary, but I did so anyways, implicating a friend in my drama to make the effect cumulative. I think a misanthrope would have a prosaic appellation, perhaps one related to autonomy and the rejection of anthropocentrism. I think they wouldn't think much of the prominence of watching the coagulation of tea to prognosticate future malevolent events, not even if those events were related to jurisprudence.
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