Breakfast Troubles - Sunny Side Up!

[A/N: Random idea. Rip it up to bits.]

Breakfast Troubles; Day One

Sunny Side Up!

Morning.
I got up from bed, bewildered by sudden blaring of the alarm. Groggily, I slammed a hand over the snooze button, wanting to get some more shut-eye... but the hands of the innocent little clock made me do otherwise.
“Seven forty-five...!"
I just realized... I'm about to be late for school.
Grabbing a towel from the cabinet, I quickly made for the shower. Good; no one’s in it yet. Naoko must still be asleep. That’s fine. That’s very fine, even. No annoyance for the record this time. I dashed in and turned on the tap, only to be greeted by surprise by cold water rushing down my back. I jumped out of its way immediately after a few seconds of contact, and edged my way back in a short while afterward, shivering lightly.
I came downstairs a little later on, clean and fully dressed.
“Good morning, Kyoya. Come have your breakfast,” Mum smiled at me warmly, a spatula in hand, a plate in the other. Her apron, as usual, was spotless, and I often wonder what use she has for it anyway, when she always manages to cook without getting sauce all over herself...
Mum laid my breakfast on the the table as soon as I sat down. The delicious combination consisted of tempura, miso soup, tamagoyaki, and a small portion of baked potatoes and stewed leeks.
Once again, Mum managed to impress me with her grand breakfast set up, but...
“Mum? Why are all of these eggs scrambled? I thought you knew I liked them sunny side up,” I whined quietly. Even though there's tamagoyaki, I still enjoy a good serving of half-cooked eggs as an appetizer.
“Your little sister helped me cook breakfast today – ”
“I hate half-cooked eggs,” came the interjection, the snide tone painfully familiar. Ha. Speaking of the devil. There she stood, behind the kitchen counter, one hand on her slim hip and the other dangling casually on her side, her hair kept neatly behind a bandanna. “Besides,” Naoko approached and placed a plate of half-cooked eggs in front of me, despite herself, “I’ve made some for you, knowing that you’ll complain and bug me all morning for it,”
My little sister, ladies and gentlemen.
“Trés harsh, Nao,” I mumbled glumly. Here we go again.
My wicked little sibling flashed me a mocking smile. She edged closer in front of me, stretching her short, delicate arms in order to reach for a pair of chopsticks, eyes fixed on my plate. “They’re disgusting, half-cooked eggs,” she stated nonchalantly.
“Mm-hmm,” came my equally apathetic reply.
“They look disgusting. I can’t even imagine what they taste like,” Naoko continued.
“Mm,” I grunted, slipping the chopsticks in between my fingers and using it to slide in a piece of the egg into my mouth, provoking her.
“They look like eyes,” she said. Her statement made my chewing come to an abrupt halt. I swallowed and tried to return to eating, but I was surprised to find my teeth tightly gnashed together, unsettled by her words. Concentrate on the food, Kyoya, I told myself, concentrate.
“They look like big, yellow eyes,” the smirk didn’t go undetected in her voice. I reached for the salt with shaky hands, disturbed, but she beat me to it. Pushing the small container aside, she kneeled over on her chair and leaned forward. “Big, yellow, pus-filled, cataract-infected eyes,” She punctured the raw center of the egg with a chopstick, making a thick, orangey-yellow gloop ooze out. An insolent grin split her face, wide enough to make the Cheshire cat envious of it. Her navy eyes shined with her obvious victory, shoulders trembling lightly out of silent laughter. I gulped, grimacing. Suddenly, the eggs lying ever so innocently on the plate seemed less palatable; even revolting. Heck, maybe even both.

I doubt I’ll ever be able to eat eggs again.

This was a rather nice story, I enjoyed the bit of humour you incorporated in it (because honestly speaking here, YWS needs more humour)

The 'flow' of your story, I find, is a bit off. The pace you set through out the story is a little wonky, you begin the piece at a moderate pace but then BAM you hit us if paragraphs and paragraphs of description which significantly slows down the pace (I'll be talking more about the description a bit later). If you're going to be adding this much description, I suggest you either lengthen the introduction or shorten your description so it'll seem more consistent.

Your description isn't half bad, it gives the reader a clear visual imagery of what his room looks like and the people he lives with. Though around half of your description (in the first half in particular) is unneeded, and like previously stated, it slows the pace of your story down considerably so. Just tell your reader enough to give them a vague impression of his room, you don't have to give a very detailed description as the room doesn't pay much of a major role in the story. If you still want to keep the descriptions, you should try incorporating them with your characters, let your characters interact with their environment or maybe give the reader more of a sneak peak into your character's opinion of certain things in his room; it's much more interesting this way and will keep the reader more engaged rather than becoming bored.

Your characterizations are great,specifically when you were describing his sister. I could see how much she took pleasure in antagonizing her brother (or maybe I'm biased since I'm a little sister myself and also take great sadistic pleasure in making my siblings' lives a living hell)and I can see clearly in my mind's eye what she looks like. I can also see the mother as one of those typical 'motherly figures' with all her warmth sunshine and inhumane multitasking and cooking abilities and I also have a vague impression of what type of a person your MC is.

The concept was alright, not amazing but it was interesting.

Well to round it all up, I'd say you should work on what to include and what to leave out as well as keeping up more of a consistent pace through out the story. Your characterizations were great, you should try experimenting with it a bit more (I'm interested as to what you'd come up with) and you also have a few grammatical mistakes here and there. This was a nice read though, keep up the good work.

Hey Sug, I didn't like this. Here's why.

Don't start a story with a character waking up. Captain Hook says it doesn't work. He knows what he's talking about.

Random?

Don't do that. This isn't a blog entry. Be "totally random lol" with your girlfriends. A main character that says this kind of stuff is a big turn-off, and I almost stopped reading there.

Thirdly, your character is a girl. No, I don't mean girly. I mean she's a girl. Literally a girl. Guys don't talk like this.

cool beads ran down the soft contours of my stomach.

No guy says his stomach features "soft contours."

You're way too descriptive, especially considering the story's subject matter. Which is... waking up and eating breakfast. So why do I need to know what the character's room looks like? Snorefest.

The end is a little more interesting because something starts happening.

Starts, then stops. Fin. End of story. Waste of time?

Suggestion: Start at the beginning. The beginning of the story, not the day. Where the conflict begins. Basically, when something of interest happens.

Unless you're writing erotic fiction, no one wants a paragraph spent in the shower.

Best of luck amiga.

Prokaryote

“Seven forty-five...!"
I just realized... I'm about to be late for school.

Try to five us an impression of what the character is feeling or her expression when she realized the time.

“They look like big, yellow eyes,” the smirk didn’t go undetected in her voice. I reached for the salt with shaky hands, disturbed, but she beat me to it. Pushing the small container aside, she kneeled over on her chair and leaned forward. “Big, yellow, pus-filled, cataract-infected eyes,” She punctured the raw center of the egg with a chopstick, making a thick, orangey-yellow gloop ooze out. An insolent grin split her face, wide enough to make the Cheshire cat envious of it. Her navy eyes shined with her obvious victory, shoulders trembling lightly out of silent laughter. I gulped, grimacing. Suddenly, the eggs lying ever so innocently on the plate seemed less palatable; even revolting. Heck, maybe even both.

I doubt I’ll ever be able to eat eggs again.

In here, can you again give us the reaction of your characters?? What is the reaction of the MC when she thinks the eggs are revolting?? Did she give a grin or was her hands simply still or a bit shaking.


Comment:
Hey there, sugar, foxfire here at your service….the story is quite nice and I say that the characters are Japanese? I also liked the description you had given to the characters and to the dialogue as well.
However, I can comment on the mood. If the characters are Japanese, should we have some Japanese description? Because it feels like American or Western (maybe of the eggs). You may have given us the food, the name and the chopsticks but nothing else Japanese specific. I think you need to work on the expression and reaction of the characters and maybe a mood or atmosphere to the story if dealing with a different culture or something.

I totally agree with Prokayote. After I read her (his? sorry, i can't tell, there's no gender specified in the avatar) review, I though: "Wait. This main character was a GUY?" You definitely need to fix that. I also agree that this wasn't very well written, I has potential... but it's just not hitting home for me. Do some rewriting, and this could be nice. Keep writing!

--Dreamy