Where is she?

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There I lay, wondering where the girl with the black hair was. It saddened me. Where was my adolescent friend? Where was that bouncy human that would always let me sleep at the foot of her bed? Where were her small black hands running over my ears and back?

She wasn't here. Was she gone at school? No...that got out hours ago..the boy and other little girls were here already..so was the man. Strangely, his mate was here too. She cried often these days, her wet face burried in my furry side.

"I can't believe she's gone..."the man was crying, his words muffled into the girl's bed pillows. "Why didn't I see this coming? How could I have stopped this?" Stopped what? What do you mean she's gone? If she at Hannah's? Shelby's? Where was my kind girl?

I jumped up onto the bed, missing her smell and finding the stale air smell burning my sensitive nostrils. The man wept and wept, long through the night until he found himself asleep. I curled up beside him, trying to keep hime warm.

The smell of death shook me awake and I lurked about the dark halls of the house. I jumped and hid behind the couch but a shadow caught my lightning fast eyes. A body..a teenage body. It hung from something I didn't quite see. I sat and waited cooly for another flash of lightning.

There was my kind girl.
-Zack Fair-




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Hi, Loveless here! *munches on a muffin* Well, this was differnt, and I have a few questions. Why did they just leave the body there? How come the dog -or whatever- didn't smell the scent before? Now that my questions are reveled I'd now like to get on with the full review.
Plot: The plot was very well I suppose, the story just went by a bit fast for my liking. This would seem more realistic to me if the dog -or whatever- was observing the police and EMTs take the body away. Then you could thrown in the somber mood of the house afterwards. Don't get me wrong, this was a nice, refreshing, if not depressing -I so rhymed- new take on a story, but you just need to even out the time.
Grammar:
You didn't have many grammar or spelling mistakes and if you would just read over your work -Please always read over your work before posting- you would spot them instantly.
There wasn't much imagery in this. Your descriptions of things were, in a lack of better words, simple. Elementary. I think you get my point. Try throwing some more detail into this, it would help add length too. Plus, it would aid in keeping the reader interested.
Questions pt.2:
Is this just a short story? I think it is, 'cause, honestly, I don't know many ways you can continue this. You didn't leave a very good cliff hanger if you were trying to make a novel out of this.
Comments:
On the assumption that this is a short story, bravo. Just try adding more detail and pacing your events and this would be a bangin' story.
Conclusion:
Well, darling, that's all. I hope to see more from you in the future. Don't forget to review before you post your next story. Welcome to YWS and feel free to visit the Welcome Mat if you hadn't already. Peace, love, and all that other good hippie stuff.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns x)
LoVeLeSs I review short stories and novels.

Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.




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Hey there Nova! First off welcome to YWS and a quick word of advice the more reviews you do the more likely people are to review your work ;).

So anyway, this is very short, and just kinda...muhhh. It wasn't very original, pretty typical teenage suicide story, but from a kind of odd perspective. It's a very simple story, and doesn't really have much feeling in it. As when reading it, I didn't feel any pity or remorse at the fact the girl kills herself, none. Try explaining why she kills herself, why the father should have seen this coming, etc. This seems like a very rough draft, and if you want to continue editing it to make it great, hats off to you. Also next time try picking a little more original subject ;).

Keep writing.

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
There I lay

There I laid would sound better.
Okay this story was so confusing to me and it was too short. And I didn't even know the MCs name, a man was crying, for who, and why? You left the reader confused, what was the setting, school had let out, where were you now, why were other people with you. You said you were in your bed, why were other people in your bedroom too? It sounds very ridiculous to me.

Sorry if I seem harsh, i really don't mean it at all. Just trying to help you, probably my way of doing that is different, I hope you would rewrite this, and PM me, I would be glad to review another version of this story.

Good luck and keep writing!
Writing is all about imagination~




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Thanks for the critique-ing :) I don't think I included the cat was like having a premonition..Eheh...would've been wise!



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