The blue that colors heaven....

...

Hi 200397,

Not a very good piece. The worst parts of this poem - and be assured that there are many - are the thoughtless spaces put in between stanzas to show that you're just so cool as to be "original" and "different", and the bland and unimpressive way you use to describe your settings and outline of the story (albeit there being almost none in the way of sappy teenage love writing).

200397 wrote:The blue that colors heaven
is the blue between the earth and sky
between the dusky brown and green of mountains
made miniature
by the umbrella of ocean smooth above
and caught between the two is blue
a blue so kind and soft and quiet
that it is hardly
ever noticed.

I... what? Blue blue blue? Green. Dusky brown. Some more blue. What exactly are you trying to portray here? You're not a kindergartener coloring a book and scribbling your favorite crayola across the page, so don't insult the reader and portray your background as such.

Color was literally almost all that you had going for you here in terms of description. You did throw in "by the umbrella of ocean smooth above", and gave no reason for why you had inverted the reader's perception of sky and sea, although there can be many poetic arguments made for it. In addition, the line breaks and indenting, as previously noted, did not work. Please start over and first of all, don't use clever little devices like the indentations that don't mean anything past the surface intent. Use some kind of other descriptor besides "blue". Color is usually the bane of poetry until one can execute it well; it would do you well to not use color as your primary imagery at all, and instead focus on the other senses. Smell, touch, sound, even taste.

I've read over the whole poem twice now and the use of "blue" throughout is atrocious. I'm beginning to think that you did this on purpose, although I'm not sure; judging by past works (most of which, to my knowledge, are in prose), you do know how to describe. Why did you do such a poor job with this poem? Why not use some kind of imagery past the basic eyesight?

The storyline itself, and the cliched description of the entire "your eyes are like _____" stung like a wasp's bite as the backbone of the poem became clearer. If you have done poetry before extensively, you should know better. If you haven't done poetry before extensively, you should still know better, as many of these suggestions could be copy-and-pasted to fit the critique of any Fiction piece.

Please do not continue this piece. Replace it with a poem that has a skeleton (for all poems need some undercurrent of meaning besides "beauty" to sustain them) and for now, don't include much description of color. See what you can do without it.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I have a poem with the same title, but of course, with a different gist. I'll post if I can. But let me take a break for today... but rest assured, I'll be reviewing this piece as soon as I get back.

Hi! I like the imagery you used in this poem. I suppose the colour of your eys thing is a little cliche but it was such a sweet way to end the poem that I barely noticed. I loved the way you connected the person's eyes with heaven, in a subtle kind of way. I also like how you've indented the poem - that's quite original. I can't really find much to fault with this piece. It's very sweet.

The blue that colors heaven
is the blue between the earth and sky
between the dusky brown and green of mountains
made miniature
by the umbrella of ocean smooth above
and caught between the two is blue
a blue so kind and soft and quiet
that it is hardly
ever noticed. - This stanza I kind of liked, but yes, agreeing to the reviewers above, the mention of such plain colours, the lack of connection to the reader, and the uncanny format ruins this for you.

It is the blue of winter twilights
the icy time before blackness
and after light - Three lines above does not make sense and does not tie into each other well at all.
the blue of eyes like stars, shedding tears
not sad, but happy. - Cliche.
The blue of feathers and shadows and stars - Feathers? Stars and shadows have feathers? o_o
of robins' eggs and cold kisses - Robin eggs and cold kisses have feathers as well? What the chicken...
a blue so blue and soft and quiet
that it is hardly
ever seen. - Because it's quiet, it cannot be seen. What kind of humorous deduction is that? What are you really trying to say?

The blue that colors heaven is the color of your eyes
so kind and soft and quiet - Repetition does not work at all. The change in meter doesn't, either.
that you can't help
but notice.

Okay. I didn't really enjoy this, nor find a shred of delight in it; nor did it uplift me, which is, in my perspective, the main purpose as to why you have written this poem. You're just stating things: "the blue this, the blue that", and not really giving us anything to relate to in this poem. It's bland, and I had quite a snorefest out of it, actually, when it came to the middle parts... Anyway, the verdict has been given. This could use a lot of work, mon ami.

I hope that helped!


PM if you need anything else, okay?

~Kate

You repeated notice a bit too much! Other than that, good work! ~*Cheez_Burger*~

Hi 200397. I have to say that I agree with Galerius on this one. You repeated the word 'blue' way, way, too much. I understand that this about how blue colors things in our world, and that is okay. But that's why there are synonyms! Go to thesaurus, and find all the different words you can use in place of 'blue'. Otherwise, not a bad piece. PM me if you have any questions.
Au Revior.